When couples start living together, most of them imagine these picture-perfect mornings with each other — waking up together, having coffee, sharing some stories and cuddles before they’re ready to start the day and go to work.
But reality is far from different for a lot of them. Different work schedules, sleep habits, and responsibilities usually mean that there might be some days when you have to leave the bed all by yourself.
A man recently posted online about a similar problem in his own relationship. He said his girlfriend wanted him to wake up every morning at exactly the same time as her, no matter the circumstances.
When he finally snapped, she told him that’s what “normal couples” do.
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
No matter what the time or the circumstances, she wanted him to be awake when she was
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The man said he has a lot of responsibilities and chores to do all day long
Image credits: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
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Sometimes, shared sleep can be more stressful than restful
For a lot of couples, falling asleep and waking up next to their partner are the quiet pleasures of being in a long-term relationship.
Research even suggests there can be benefits.
Couples who sleep side by side can show more synchronized sleep patterns, including steadier REM sleep — the stage that helps your brain with emotional processing and memory.
Waking up at the same time and having small shared rituals in the morning, like having coffee together before work, can also boost relationship satisfaction.
A study found that couples who spend just 15 minutes of quality time together each morning report significantly higher relationship satisfaction scores.
But it only works when both people are actually resting.
It’s hard to have a good night’s sleep when one partner is snoring or tossing and turning the whole night. Some couples also struggle with differences in work schedule or bedtime practices, like watching TV or scrolling on the phone in bed.
For example, if you’re on night shifts and have your routine down, what happens when your partner has a regular 9-to-5 schedule?
Some couples are now recognizing the benefits of not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room as their partner — this trend is called “sleep divorce.”
A recent survey found that 31% of US adults choose a “sleep divorce” with their partner.
This number was highest for millennial adults ages 35 to 44. Nearly 40% of them said they sleep separately.
The survey also found that people are making other changes to accommodate their partners and respect their sleep schedule.
At least 37% said they chose to go to bed at different times than they’d normally like to, and 15% said they use a silent alarm to avoid disturbing their partner.
“If your partner hinders you from falling asleep or disturbs your sleep, and you are much more relaxed if you sleep alone, that is probably the best sleeping arrangement to do,” says Henning Johannes Drews, a researcher at the Center for Integrative Psychiatry.
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Respecting each other’s sleep schedules is a way to show care
We all know how much a truly restful night can change the way your whole day feels.
Not getting enough sleep can make you grumpy and irritable. You may also find it harder to focus or react quickly.
Research shows that couples who get less than 7 hours of sleep per night are more likely to fight with one another. They may also have more difficulty interpreting each other’s emotions and moods accurately.
In other words, when you’re tired, it’s hard to pay attention to your partner.
Experts say respecting a partner’s basic needs, including sleep, is one of the simplest ways to show care in a relationship.
“It’s critically important that both sleepers respect their own need for sleep as well as their partner’s need for sleep. The majority of adults need between 7 and 9 hours daily. That should be carved out of the daily schedule and viewed as a non-negotiable item,” says Terry Cralle, a clinical sleep educator.
When one partner keeps disturbing the other, it’s more about control or a lack of empathy.
Wanting to spend quality time in the morning isn’t wrong, but wanting uninterrupted sleep isn’t wrong either. The real challenge is figuring out how to balance both needs without turning either one into a test of love.
Experts say if your work hours or your sleep patterns don’t match up, here are some ways to stay connected:
- Set up a short daily ritual that fits your schedules
- Leave little notes or messages for each other
- Reserve special mornings together on weekends
- Use your phone for quick, intentional check-ins during the day
At the end of the day (or the start of the day), it’s less about matching alarm clocks and more about respecting each other’s needs.
Many people said his girlfriend's behavior was disrespectful
