All of us want to experience love in one way or another. But finding it and making it last can be tricky. It often takes plenty of trial and error before we stumble upon a great relationship and learn how to nurture it.
The good news is, we don’t always have to learn the hard way. Happily married men on Reddit shared their advice for other men on what it really takes to build a strong, healthy relationship. Scroll down to read their tips, you might just find something worth trying yourself.
#1
There is not "Women's work" and "Men's work" at home: there's just stuff that needs to be done for a home to be a nice and comfortable place to live.
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56points
#2
It’s never you vs your wife. It’s you and your wife vs the problem. You’re always on the same team.
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38points
#3
My family never taught us conflict resolution so whenever my wife comes at me with an issue, I feel myself getting upset. It doesn’t matter how she approaches me; she could be singing it with a smile, but I will get defensive.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that *the issue she wants to discuss is the problem, not her for bringing it up*.
A lot of men react defensively because they *feel* they’re being criticized. Half the time she just wants to complain about something simply because it’s on her mind, not because I’m the cause of it. It’s how she would interact with a friend; women like to chat.
Do things before you’re asked. If the dishwasher is full, empty it. If the laundry needs to be moved to the dryer, just do it. We have three kids and we both work. No family to help, but we are very peaceful even though we come from completely different backgrounds, religions, and countries.
10yrs married, 14yrs together.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that *the issue she wants to discuss is the problem, not her for bringing it up*.
A lot of men react defensively because they *feel* they’re being criticized. Half the time she just wants to complain about something simply because it’s on her mind, not because I’m the cause of it. It’s how she would interact with a friend; women like to chat.
Do things before you’re asked. If the dishwasher is full, empty it. If the laundry needs to be moved to the dryer, just do it. We have three kids and we both work. No family to help, but we are very peaceful even though we come from completely different backgrounds, religions, and countries.
10yrs married, 14yrs together.
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38points
#4
Your wife isn't your property. She is a real flesh and blood human with her own needs, wants a fears. Don't be possessive, be supportive.
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36points
#5
Ignore the “never go to bed angry”. You’ll just be sleep deprived and more angry. Everything looks better after a nap.
Also never buy a couch you can’t sleep on.
Keep your darn vows. Respect her, honor her, and recognize that you complete each other. Life changes you. You’ll grow together.
I’ve loved that girl for 45 years so far. She’s disabled now, and I will carry her around if I have to.
Also never buy a couch you can’t sleep on.
Keep your darn vows. Respect her, honor her, and recognize that you complete each other. Life changes you. You’ll grow together.
I’ve loved that girl for 45 years so far. She’s disabled now, and I will carry her around if I have to.
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32points
#6
Cut off outside negative influences. For example, a friend that doesn't respect your relationship and keeps trying to get you to do things that dishonor your marriage, or a relative that tries to cause division between you.
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31points
#7
Acknowledge mistakes and apologize for them sincerely. It's fine to be wrong, but you do have to own it and fix it.
If your pride makes you die on a hill, you'll still be dead, just on a hill that no one else cares about anyway or you wouldn't have had to die there. .
If your pride makes you die on a hill, you'll still be dead, just on a hill that no one else cares about anyway or you wouldn't have had to die there. .
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28points
#8
Posted a while back on a different sub, but fitting here:
1. Avoid keeping score (unless you're playing Monopoly). - Don't compare who did the most chores, who did the most romantic things, etc. You're a team. The more you can view it that way together, the better.
2. Pull your weight. - Just because you're not keeping score, doesn't mean it's a license to not do your part. Intentionally put in effort every day.
3. If you wouldn't say it or do it with your spouse standing next to you, don't do it. - This is more about how you talk about your relationship or spouse with other people. Respect isn't just something when you're physically together. Dismissive comments to the boys that you think are funny are disrespectful (not saying you do this, just saying in case).
4. Don't stop dating. - It sounds cliche but the National Marriage Project says that couples who go on frequent date nights are 14% less likely to get divorced. Make it intentional, scheduled, and more than just binge watching Netflix while you scroll on your phones. If you need ideas, get the LoveTrack app (it's free). It's a date night planner that can help you keep things fresh and creative.
5. Be ready for seasons where each of you will have to step up more than the other. - This ties more into the keeping score thing, but understand that there will be seasons in your marriage where you need her more and seasons where she needs you to step up more. Expect this to happen, and be ready for it together.
6. Don't do things begrudgingly (that was hard to spell). - 'Doing the right thing' and 'doing the right thing with the right attitude' are two totally different things in a marriage. If she asks you to do a chore you don't want to do, do it and be pleasant about it. Scoffing around while you do it is just a one-way ticket to fightsville.
7. Have a plan for money. - Don't fall into the trap of 'we've always just been good with money so we don't need a plan.' Sit down and figure out what you're going to do with money, in good situations and bad situations. I personally am a huge advocate for there only being 'our money' but some couples like split funds or somewhere in the middle. I think shared funds is more of the team mentality, but you have to have a plan in place to make this work.
8. Don't get complacent. - There's a phrase in the military that complacency kills. I think this is true for relationships as well that if you get complacent, your relationship will die. Be aware that relationships typically don't end over one big thing; it's small, gradual, and slowly happens over time where you wake up one day and ask what happened. Stay intentional
9. Have scheduled check ins/family meetings. - This may sound silly, but this has been great for my wife and I. We have monthly meetings (sometimes weekly) where we go over what's going on and what's coming up and voice any joys or concerns. Some people might say it's too business-like, but it ensures we're both heard and has been great for our communication.
Hope this helps. Make sure you've talked through big deal breakers as well (kids, how you'd raise kids, financials, long-term goals, etc.). Don't marry someone you aren't aligned with on these things.
1. Avoid keeping score (unless you're playing Monopoly). - Don't compare who did the most chores, who did the most romantic things, etc. You're a team. The more you can view it that way together, the better.
2. Pull your weight. - Just because you're not keeping score, doesn't mean it's a license to not do your part. Intentionally put in effort every day.
3. If you wouldn't say it or do it with your spouse standing next to you, don't do it. - This is more about how you talk about your relationship or spouse with other people. Respect isn't just something when you're physically together. Dismissive comments to the boys that you think are funny are disrespectful (not saying you do this, just saying in case).
4. Don't stop dating. - It sounds cliche but the National Marriage Project says that couples who go on frequent date nights are 14% less likely to get divorced. Make it intentional, scheduled, and more than just binge watching Netflix while you scroll on your phones. If you need ideas, get the LoveTrack app (it's free). It's a date night planner that can help you keep things fresh and creative.
5. Be ready for seasons where each of you will have to step up more than the other. - This ties more into the keeping score thing, but understand that there will be seasons in your marriage where you need her more and seasons where she needs you to step up more. Expect this to happen, and be ready for it together.
6. Don't do things begrudgingly (that was hard to spell). - 'Doing the right thing' and 'doing the right thing with the right attitude' are two totally different things in a marriage. If she asks you to do a chore you don't want to do, do it and be pleasant about it. Scoffing around while you do it is just a one-way ticket to fightsville.
7. Have a plan for money. - Don't fall into the trap of 'we've always just been good with money so we don't need a plan.' Sit down and figure out what you're going to do with money, in good situations and bad situations. I personally am a huge advocate for there only being 'our money' but some couples like split funds or somewhere in the middle. I think shared funds is more of the team mentality, but you have to have a plan in place to make this work.
8. Don't get complacent. - There's a phrase in the military that complacency kills. I think this is true for relationships as well that if you get complacent, your relationship will die. Be aware that relationships typically don't end over one big thing; it's small, gradual, and slowly happens over time where you wake up one day and ask what happened. Stay intentional
9. Have scheduled check ins/family meetings. - This may sound silly, but this has been great for my wife and I. We have monthly meetings (sometimes weekly) where we go over what's going on and what's coming up and voice any joys or concerns. Some people might say it's too business-like, but it ensures we're both heard and has been great for our communication.
Hope this helps. Make sure you've talked through big deal breakers as well (kids, how you'd raise kids, financials, long-term goals, etc.). Don't marry someone you aren't aligned with on these things.
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26points
#9
FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST JUST TELL HER YOU APPRECIATE HER. VALIDATE HER FEELINGS AND DONT DISMISS HER. IT IS NOT HARD.
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26points
#11
Is not 50%-50%. Is 100% - 100%. You got to go all the way in. The payout is worth it.
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23points
#12
If it’s minor, let it go. Any time you’re upset with them, think back about that early honeymoon period and ask yourself if you would’ve let it go then. Chances are you would have, so let it go.
Do nice things because you love your wife/partner and not because you want something. In a similar note, do them without expecting anything back.
Marriage is a commitment, always remember that. .
Do nice things because you love your wife/partner and not because you want something. In a similar note, do them without expecting anything back.
Marriage is a commitment, always remember that. .
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21points
#14
Active nondefensive listening. Your primary responsibility is to protect your woman’s heart and to make her feel safe even in hard conversations. Dump any baggage that interferes with that.
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19points
#15
Choose wisely! Which means doing "YOU" work before finding the right woman. So many men start out with, "I want a wife who..." Well, what are YOU bringing to the table? Focus on attracting and deserving the perfect wife. .
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19points
#16
Talk about issues as soon as they arise. Don't allow for things to blow out of proportion when it could be an easy fix right away. The amount of conversations I've had in my life that end up with "I wish you'd told me sooner" is quite frankly staggering. This is good advice for life in general as well.
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19points
#17
Every tasks and chore around the house is your job. You're not "helping" clean, or "helping" with the kids, you are doing what you're supposed to do. When your spouse does stuff, thank them for taking that off your plate. If you each think this way, there will be a lot less bickering. .
19points
#18
Your spouse should be your best friend, let them know that they are. Don't fear vulnerability, value communication.
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19points
#19
Pick well who you marry in the first place and take your time for it.
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17points
#20
Talk less, listen more.
An oft-repeated trope is that women never tell you what they really think/want, which is bs. .
An oft-repeated trope is that women never tell you what they really think/want, which is bs. .
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17points