Many people wait for the holidays with dread. Of course, it can be the most beautiful time of the year; however, for many, it means gatherings with toxic family members whom they'd much rather cut out of their lives. In fact, about 40% of Americans admit that family conflicts arise during holiday gatherings, according to a survey by Trust & Will.
In this family, gatherings were a real nightmare because everyone would enable the 35-year-old brother and his temper tantrums. However, during one Thanksgiving, his sister decided she'd had enough and finally called him out. As expected, the man-baby started acting out, and the family blamed the sister, not him.
A 35-year-old man ruined yet another family gathering with his immature temper tantrum
When his sister called him out on it, he stormed off, and the family blamed her for the incident
Kicking and punching things is not a healthy way to express or manage anger
Witnessing a 35-year-old man behaving this way is undoubtedly frustrating and embarrassing. In an ideal world, people could manage their anger issues and not burden everyone around them with baby-like temper tantrums; yet, the reality is often different.
Punching boats and kicking leaves is hardly a normal reaction or an appropriate way to manage your anger. But poor anger management skills are more common than we may realize. According to Mind Your Anger, about 12% of Britons say they have difficulty managing their anger, and almost a third (32%) have a close friend or a family member who has anger issues.
There's a belief that when a person is angry, they should let that anger out — punching a pillow, for example, is viewed as cathartic in a moment of rage. However, some research suggests the opposite. Freud was the one to suggest the former, but researcher Dr. Brad Bushman found that when people express their anger by doing something violent, it doesn't reduce aggression or said anger.
"For reducing anger and aggression, the worst possible advice to give people is to tell them to imagine their provocateur’s face on a pillow or punching bag as they wallop it, yet this is precisely what many pop psychologists advise people to do. If followed, such advice will only make people angrier and more aggressive," Bushman writes.
In his research with other colleagues, Bushman has found that activities like team sports help decrease anger, as they evoke positive emotions. Generally, anything that helps decrease physiological arousal works better than cathartic venting.
Family members think they’re helping by enabling the brother’s tantrums, but they need to teach him that actions have consequences
The wife and mother in this story also bear some blame for enabling the brother's problematic behavior. Although they think they're "just preserving the peace," letting him get away with these tantrums without facing consequences is doing more harm than good.
As clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, explained to the Cleveland Clinic, family members, spouses, and friends enable people because they think they’re doing what’s best for the person. “But your help keeps them from learning to make better choices and to stand on their own two feet,” Dr. Borland added. “Enabling can become a vicious cycle.”
A good way to know that you’re enabling someone’s problematic behavior is when other people are calling you out, just like the daughter in this story. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous,” Dr. Borland says. “In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves.”
The sister in this story is not the bad guy. She’s the one enforcing boundaries by making her brother face the consequences of his problematic behavior. The guy has clearly learned that he can get away with temper tantrums and the family will just baby him and side with him. As long as they allow that kind of behavior, he will continue manipulating and mistreating them.
In the comments, the OP admitted that their father also used to behave like this
Commenters sided with the OP, calling the brother's behavior ridiculously immature
