There is a common tradition of having a cake and blowing out the candles lit on it during a person’s birthday celebration. This tradition is often traced back to the ancient Greeks who baked honey cakes for the Goddess of Moon.
And while for ancient Greeks, cake was meant to represent the shape and light of the full moon, which in turn was a symbol of good luck, according to researchers, in many contemporary birthday celebrations, cake has maintained its symbolic significance. No wonder this Redditor was concerned when a birthday girl's cousin didn't let her blow the candles out by doing it for her.
More info: Reddit | M.Ed. Annie Fox
A girl's birthday celebration was going well until her cousin blew out the candles for her, and both moms disagreed about the appropriate response
Image credits: Nathan Dumlao (not the actual photo)
The 5-year-old was about to blow out her birthday candles when her cousin did it for her
Image credits: Jorge Ibanez (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Beautiful-Worth-9979
The birthday girl pushed and hit her cousin and both girls ended up crying
Image credits: Morgan Lane (not the actual photo)
The cousin's mother was putting blame on the birthday girl
A woman brought it to the Reddit AITAH community online after an incident during her daughter’s fifth birthday celebration when the birthday girl’s cousin blew the candles out for her and was therefore pushed by her. The original poster asked people online if she was right to expect her sister to address her daughter blowing out the candles.
The woman explained that when it was time to eat the birthday cake, her daughter, the birthday girl, was sitting in her chair while her cousin was standing on a chair next to her. The lights were turned off as they lit the candles and sang Happy Birthday; however, just as the birthday girl was about to blow out the candles, her cousin did it for her.
The birthday girl, who turned five, pushed and hit her cousin, who is six. The cousin fell off the chair and both girls were crying. The cousin’s mother raised her voice as she accused the original poster of her daughter being “out of control”, while the original poster replied that it was her daughter's birthday, not her cousin’s.
The woman lit the candles again and stood next to her daughter to make sure she would be the one to blow out her candles this time. After the celebration, the mother ended up temporarily taking her daughter’s iPad for hitting her cousin, yet she was livid at her sister for refusing to address the issue of her daughter blowing out the candles for a birthday girl.
Bored Panda reached out to the original poster and Beautiful-Worth-9979 kindly agreed to give an update on the situation. The woman shared that she did get to talk to her sister, but unfortunately, it wasn’t a very productive conversation.
According to the original poster her sister got very defensive, which prompted her to think that her sister might have said something to encourage her daughter’s behavior. The woman also shared that she dealt with bullying from her sister and at school while growing up, and for this reason for her, it felt like history was repeating itself.
The birthday girl's mother thought both girls' behavior was out of line, yet the cousin started it
Image credits: Gift Habeshaw (not the actual photo)
The birthday girl's mother lit the candles again and made sure it was her daughter who blew them out this time
To better understand the situation and the relationship between the sisters and their daughters, Bored Panda also reached out to M.Ed. Annie Fox, who is a parenting expert and an award-winning author, and she kindly agreed to share her insights.
Ms. Fox started by noting that she understands that the situation was very upsetting for the mom of the birthday girl. However, focusing on the birthday girl and her cousin, Annie Fox explained that while the behavior of both girls was out of line, we can’t realistically expect “mature” behavior from 5 and 6-year-olds. “Especially in the midst of all the special attention and the happy chaos happening at this family party.”
When it comes to the girls’ behavior, Ms. Fox elaborated: “Was the 6-year-old out of line for blowing out her cousin’s birthday candle? Yes, she was. Might she have felt jealous? Might she even have momentarily forgotten whose birthday it was? Yes and yes. As for the 5-year-old, was she out of line for pushing and hitting her cousin? Yes, she was.”
We also asked for relationship advice when dealing with this specific situation and this is what A. Fox had to say: “Each mom needs to talk with her daughter privately. Each mom needs to LISTEN to her daughter talk about how she was FEELING at the time. The moms should stay as NEUTRAL as possible during this part of the conversation. (Don’t blame anyone… not your daughter and not the other girl).
When the girl is done talking, it’s Mom’s turn to show that she understands the BIG FEELINGS her daughter was having (jealousy, anger, etc.) Big feelings are normal. They can also be overwhelming. Let Mom reassure her daughter about that.”
However, Ms. Fox. drew an important distinction between feelings and one’s behavior: “But here’s the thing, it’s perfectly fine to ‘feel the feelings’ but it’s not okay to hurt someone intentionally. And that includes physical, emotional, and psychological hurting.”
After talking the issue through with their daughters, validating various feelings, yet explaining that their feelings are no excuses for unacceptable behavior, Ms. Fox advised the mothers to have a calm and respectful talk between themselves and “clear the air.”
She elaborated that this means “taking the time for just the two of them to talk about what went down at the party” by addressing such important questions as “how each of them reacted in the moment, and what they might do differently the next time their daughters get into a thing with each other.”
Finally, Ms. Fox emphasized that: “This is family. These sisters and their daughters are in it, together, for the long haul. The moms are their daughters’ role models. They need to show that when we make a mistake or disagree or hurt someone’s feelings in this family, we apologize and learn from it so we can do better the next time.”
To find more on parenting by Ms. Annie Fox, please visit Annie Fox’s Blog, Family Confidential podcast, and her website.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
Image credits: Matheus Frade (not the actual photo)
