The decision whether or not to have children is extremely easy for some to make. If you’ve dreamt of being a parent your entire life and have had baby names picked out since you were 15, you probably haven’t thought twice about it. On the other hand, if you love your independence and live a transient lifestyle, the thought of bringing kids into the picture might not have ever crossed your mind.
But for some of us, the right time just never comes. It may not be a conscious decision not to start a family, but you may wake up one day and realize that it’s just not going to happen. Redditors who are over 40 and single have recently been discussing whether or not they regret not having kids, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. Enjoy scrolling through, whether you’re a parent or not, and keep reading to find a conversation with Sue Fagalde Lick, creator of the Childless by Marriage blog and author of Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can't Have Both.
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#21
44 F and absolutely zero regrets. All my friends with partners and kids start all their conversations with I love my family but… then go on to say how lucky I am. I have a very fulfilling job. Love my friends and get to be the fun at to all their kids. I have such a peaceful and stress free life. Not one of my friends makes me feel jealous or makes me want what they have even if their partners are amazing and great providers. I love having freedom to do what I want when I want it. I love not having to stress about others and their choices. I love the quiet and when I want the chaos I can choose it at my own discretions.
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34points
"I am childless by marriage. As far as I know, I had no fertility problems," Sue noted. "There are more people like me than you would think. In a society with so many divorces and remarriages, the second wife or husband may lose their chance because their partner has already raised children and doesn’t want to start over."
"Also, these days, many young couples find they just can’t afford to have children. Overwhelmed with student loan debt and a huge cost of living, they can’t even buy a house; how can they raise kids and pay for everything they need? They may delay childbearing until it’s too late," she added. "Childlessness comes in many forms, and there are more of us all the time. Strangers need to stop opening conversations with, 'How many kids do you have?'"
#22
55 male. Never married no kids
Honesty I wish I would have found someone but it never happened. I spent my early 20’s in the military and it seems that is when most get married. Don’t even look or try anymore.
About 3 years ago my mother passed away and my brother a few months later.
I got hit with this I am alone in this world feeling. It is not pleasant especially during the holidays.
So yea I got regrets.
Honesty I wish I would have found someone but it never happened. I spent my early 20’s in the military and it seems that is when most get married. Don’t even look or try anymore.
About 3 years ago my mother passed away and my brother a few months later.
I got hit with this I am alone in this world feeling. It is not pleasant especially during the holidays.
So yea I got regrets.
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31points
#23
Modern life is brutal. We sign away the best time of our lives just to scrape by until we retire and hopefully have something left to make it till the end. I’m not going to put another soul through that.
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28points
#24
My dad used to say I wouldn’t take $1 billion for one of my children but I wouldn’t pay $.50 to have another one
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26points
#25
There's a lot of my life that I don't love, but I really love being single and not having any depends. That freedom is awesome.
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26points
#26
I am 40f. My regret is being with someone who didn't fully commited when I ready. When I talked about having children he started saying things like: "It's unfair to not be able to ask the children himself if he wants to exist." And said I don't want to do it to you. (Talking about pregnancy's risk and toll on your body) Eventually I decided he wasn't ready and I stuck around way too long. So I am unhappy I never had kids but I am learning to live without them.
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25points
#27
46M, I never got married or had any kids. I got SA'd multiple times as a child and it has utterly destroyed my life and me as a person. I have a collection of broken relationships (lovers and family) in the past where I've pushed my girlfriends and family members away because of my mental health issues and self hatred and very self destructive tendencies. While I'd still love to settle down and be a dad, I'm a realist... I know that's unlikely to happen the older I get. And tbh the older I get the more I'm sure that i do not want to hurt other people by inflicting my mental health and personal demons on them.
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23points
#28
M41... no, don't regret it, I never wanted kids, and so far, that's working out. Always dated women with no desire to have kids either. Don't want to get married... or live with someone either. I do kinda live a hermit lifestyle
I don't want a family life anyway, never did... I'm totally fine with being by myself and spending all my time, money and space on things I want, rather than things I have to because I have a kid or something... (because I'm well aware that these thing take resources from me, I don't want to spend)
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20points
#29
48M Here, and never been married, no kids. I've shared a house with friends until I was 35 then bought my own place. I had a flatmate until 5 years ago and I've never been happier. I work full time, I get to eat what I want, life is good. Could I have married? Yes, but I never met someone I hated enough to inflict me onto them.
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19points
#30
I (Male 47) have been on both sides of this. So I have more insight than others.
I was married for 10 years and got divorced at 36. We didn't have kids together (Thank god)
After the divorce was single into my 40's. I had an awesome job, great big house all to myself, "A LOT" of disposable income and friends to hang out with to keep my busy. Traveled with work and for fun. And I was dating a lot. I thought it was the best thing ever.
I was on track to be that old creepy guy that hangs out at bars hitting on younger women.
But I ended up meeting a great woman. She moved in and after a few years we had a fantastic baby enter our lives.
Being a partner and a parent is 10x more stressful. But its 1000000x more rewarding and fulfilling.
When I reflect on these two different lives I lived, I wish I had met my partner earlier and I didn't waste so much time f*****g around, partying, hanging out with friends, and blowing my money. Because my partner and I really want a second child, but unfortunately we have aged out.
I often think about the poem used at the end of the last James Bond film, No Time to Die.
*"the proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” -Jack London.*
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18points
#31
41f recently broke up with my 38m ex boyfriend with whom I was living with since more than 3 years. We didn’t want children since the beginning but he left saying that since we are not going to start a family there is no reason to be in a couple. I disagree but I have to cope with it and go on and it’s f*****g painful
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16points
#32
I'm 36 I'm not even at the feeling ready for a baby time yet lol. I haven't said no but I don't think it will be on the cards for me. I've never really had a desire to be a mum though I find it exhausting. I work with kids every day it's enough for me
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16points
#33
62 in 6 days. Never married no kids. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been. Bur I feel God has led me on this path. I was able to help out my parents at the end of their lives. I like being alone at times.
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16points
#34
40s, single female.
Sometimes I do as I always wanted kids and I feel as if I have no value to men as I can't have kids anymore.
Other times, I'm glad. I am not great with a budget and struggle with my mortgage. I also am mostly undateable so maybe having kids is not a great idea! And I am just happy to be able to live my life and do whatever I want. I go away, have hobbies, stay up etc. Never have to worry about anyone else!
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15points
#35
54 male, 48 wife. We made an active decision. WHilst I don't regret it, the downside now we are getting older is becoming clearer... We will die alone.
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15points
#36
42F. Semi-regret. I didn’t think about kids or marriage at all in my 20’s. Too busy having fun. In my mid-thirties I was ready for all that, but the life partner just never came. Although ive had a good life and got to spend it doing anything I wanted (travel, years salsa dancing), I now wish I had children.
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13points
#38
Not me but my sister, she talks about this frequently. She's 41, never married, no kids. It wasn't by her choice necessarily. She made a lot of mistakes when she was in her 20s with drinking and duis. Various other life events led her to now where she lives with my parents. She blames herself all the time and says she f****d up, no one will ever want to date a 41 yo who's never been married etc. She has her s**t in order now, a job she's been at for 2 years and going into management. I wish she had the confidence and care to not completely give up.
I guess to answer your question, she's very unhappy about it but kind of just accepts it.
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11points
#39
I'm 33 (M) about to turn 34 and I feel like I'm just missing out on life by not having children or even having a partner.
My last relationship lasted for 2.5 years, we broke up just before COVID happened and I've just been doing casual hookups and such since that point in time, now currently, the idea of getting back into a relationship with another woman is daunting, it actually fills me with dread, like I don't want to go through that again but at the same time, I would like to start a family at some point. Idk, I guess I just feel lost more than anything else.
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9points
#40
I'm not 40, but I'm 38. And I don't. I do however like to have casual relationships, for now it's still pretty easy to get them, I wonder if it'll be the same down the line. Kids I'm pretty sure I'll never want to have, but maybe get married eventually, let's hope I'm not too late if I decide I want that. For now though I can't see myself having a comited relationship for too long.
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8points