The holidays are meant to bring you and your family closer together. But unfortunately, that’s often a pipe dream in some households. The holidays can be extremely stressful and strain even the strongest ties. Not to mention the effect they have on already precarious relationships, like with your in-laws.
One woman went viral online as she tried to justify banning her sister-in-law from her Thanksgiving get-together as revenge for being humiliated at a housewarming party. However, the internet was having none of her excuses. Keep reading to see just how toxic and petty some families can get.
Family gatherings can end in massive arguments that span months and sometimes even years
One woman wanted sympathy from the internet for how she got revenge against her sister-in-law
Family gatherings can be very stressful. It helps if you mentally and emotionally prepare before these events
Family parties and holiday get-togethers can get way more stressful than they have any right to be. These events should be reminders about the ties that bind us. However, they can end up pushing us further away from each other.
According to psychiatrist Samuel L. Pauker, M.D., and family and mental health expert Miriam Arond, you can avoid family feuds during the holidays by leaving your emotional baggage “at the door.”
Naturally, that’s easier said than done. But it is genuinely possible. And generally, making peace with your relatives is preferable to huge fights that leave everyone even more frustrated and upset than before.
“It's unrealistic to expect that childhood hurts, resentments, and jealousies can be easily set aside before reuniting with relatives for the holidays. Processing the stew of anger, ambivalence, disappointment, guilt, or other uncomfortable emotions you may feel toward siblings, parents, or extended family can take much time in psychotherapy to process,” Pauker and Arond explain in a post on Psychology Today.
And yet, you can take a few simple steps right now to keep those negative feelings in check during family gatherings. Obviously, these are only stop-gap measures, not permanent solutions to serious problems. But they are much better than nothing.
The five steps are: Forget, Ease, Understand, Diagnose, and Serenity, spelling out the acronym FEUDS. In terms of forgetting, you should try to be present in the here-and-now and (temporarily) let go of all hurt and hostility. The goal is to give yourself a chance to have a good time during the holidays.
‘Ease’ refers to de-stressing in advance. Try meditation, yoga, or slow, deep breathing. ‘Understand’ means that you ought to try to see things from your family members’ perspectives and think about why they behave the way that they do.
‘Diagnose’ means that you try “recognizing the roots of your or your family members’ attitudes and actions” in order to move toward a healthier relationship. Finally, ‘Serenity’ refers to the idea that you should strive to accept yourself and others as they are.
“No family is perfect. No marriage is perfect. No boss or colleagues are perfect. No children are perfect. There are some things we can change. Other things we can’t. Part of attaining happiness is appreciating what is,” Pauker and Arond explain.
Your relatives often know your biggest pain points. Your best strategy is to stay as calm, cool, and collected as possible
Meanwhile, family therapist Vienna Pharaon, the author of ‘The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love,’ points out that, often, all it takes is one look, complaint, or comment to set off a conflict in family settings. Family members tend to have ways of quickly getting to pain points and ‘pressing’ them.
“Families are these unique relationships that, despite the passing of pain, there is still the expectation that the relationships continue to be maintained. So people dance around everything that’s unresolved over and over again, often trying to put on a happy or cordial face, until the pain finds a way to rear its head, which it will,” Pharaon told CNBC Make It.
So, here’s what you can do to make family gatherings less stressful and, hopefully, more pleasant. First, steel yourself for who you know your relatives will be, not the people that you wish they would become. Remember what previous get-togethers have been like, and don’t be naive about how future ones may go.
Next, prepare some pre-made answers to questions that you know will annoy you. Try to aim for comments that will lead to more peace, not more conflict. At the end of the day, there probably isn’t much point in arguing: it’s a waste of your energy because you likely will not change a person’s mind on certain questions.
If you have relatives you’re close to, you can always approach them before the family holiday gathering and ask them to back you up or introduce new topics when things get tense. In the meantime, set boundaries.
Denver-based family therapist Brittany Stewart shared with CNBC a sample script for how to do this ahead of time: “Hey I’m really excited to see you. I’ve been looking forward to having time with everyone. I’d really love if we didn’t talk about the election. I’d love to hear what’s happening in your life. I’d love for us to connect around other things in our lives.”
You can also set time boundaries so that your family knows when you plan to leave. If none of the above work, try to de-stress during or after dinner. Take a walk. Tell your relatives that you will not engage in certain topics because they’re upsetting everyone.
Pharaon suggests saying something along the lines of: “This isn’t going anywhere productive, I’m going for a walk. We’re clearly upset, I’m done having this conversation. I feel differently than you do; thanks for sharing your opinion but I don’t agree. I’m not interested in arguing.”
We want to hear from you. Share your perspectives, similar experiences, and wise advice in the comments section at the bottom of this post, Pandas. Who do you think was in the wrong? How would you handle such a tense family holiday situation? At what point would you decide to cut all contact with a relative? Let us know.
After reading the story, some internet users thought that the entire family was at fault for the drama
Meanwhile, many internet users blamed the woman herself for escalating the tension
