Shrekking is a new term for an old dating strategy where individuals (mostly women) date significantly less attractive men (by the norms of their society), hoping that by lowering their standards, they will wield more power in the relationship.
But this is not how it plays out—not ever, says the broad-thinking Master Social Worker Heather Spurrel, dating coach Amy Chan, and relationship expert from the American dating platform Seeking.com, Emma Hathorn.
Highlights
- Shrekking is a new dating buzzword for “dating down” in looks.
- Experts say it ends in disappointment instead of the expected better treatment.
- Men counter with their own term: “getting Fiona’d.”
The term has since made its way onto social media and is causing men and women to clash.
Instead of being treated well, they are “traumatized” by a “troll”
Image credits: Unsplash+
“A new dating term came out and it’s called getting [shrekked],” says a woman using the handle This is why I am single, on TikTok.
“It is where you are traumatized by a man who literally looks like Shrek,” she clarifies before claiming, “we’ve all been there.”
“We give the guy that we’re not attracted to a chance, thinking that he will for sure know what he has and treat us well.”
But alas, with this phenomenon, the opposite occurs:
Image credits: Paramount
A social worker and relationship expert says the practice usually ends badly for both parties
Spurrell, who graduated with a master's in her field, consults on relationships and is (as her Instagram description describes her) a “boundary coach,” delves into the practice under its formal name, “dating down.”
On her website, Rewilding, she claims that individuals (mainly women) do it because it makes them feel in control and thus more emotionally secure.
“It’s what people sometimes refer to as ‘trust issues’ or ‘commitment issues,’ but the truth is, the pattern only plays out one way…” she writes.
“No matter how much you try to coerce yourself into believing it’s a real and worthwhile relationship, the endgame of this pattern is heartbreak.”
And said “heartbreak” will cut both ways, hurting the “Shrek” and the “Shrekked.”
Experts claim women expect to be treated better when they date someone less attractive
Image credits: Unsplash+
Another fundi in the field, Amy Chan, who authored the book Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, describes it as “dating an ogre without the princess treatment.”
Speaking to USA Today on August 21, she confirmed, “The term might be new, but the behavior isn’t.”
“Plenty of people have put looks lower on the list or hoped attraction would grow over time.”
She explained that there is nothing wrong with practice per se, but rather the expectations they come with that create problems.
“Where it backfires is when someone assumes that just because they’re dating ‘down’ in looks, they’ll automatically be treated better,” Chan elaborated.
Another expert explains that people can be attracted to each other for reasons other than looks
Dating fundi from the platform Seeking.com–which boasts nearly 50,000 users–Emma Hathorn sums it up as women stepping out of their “comfort zone, but instead of being rewarded with growth or connection,” end up “regretting the experience.”
The alternative is finding real commonalities and true attraction, which she asserts can and often will go beyond mere physical appearances.
Image credits: Paramount
“When two people are genuinely driven towards a similar goal and values, they can find an attraction in each other that surprises them and refutes the shallower factors,” she told the outlet.
Men disagree with women’s perspective on the topic
As a testimony to the practice’s prevalence, numerous men and women have weighed in on This is why I am single’s post.
Image credits: RightGlockMom
“The guy I dated [for] the last two years,” wrote one woman in response. “I got Shrekked before it was cool and had a name,” echoed another who ended up marrying the man 12 years ago.
Speaking for the opposite side was a man who married someone who may have thought herself too attractive for him.
“That he will know what he has,” the individual quoted the TikTokker before asking, “which is what exactly?”
Men’s version of the phenomenon is getting ‘Fiona’d,’ and it runs on deception
Image credits: CBS / Today
This critical man justified his perspective with a personal experience, writing, “I had a drop d**d gorgeous wife who was an insufferable diva” whose beauty was allegedly disproportionate to her character.
Apparently, men experience a similar phenomenon on the digital dating scene, in which they often unwittingly find themselves with a woman who is less attractive than they initially thought.
“We men call [it] ‘getting Fiona’d’ when her profile pic looks like Princess Fiona, but we meet in person and they are ‘catfish Fiona’. And look nothing like their profile picture.”
While hardly a nice thing to say about women, this man’s retaliation appeared to appeal to This is why I am single’s sense of humor, and she responded with a laughing emoji.
