“Added 9 Years To A Short Sentence”: 50 Lawyers Recall The Stupidest Things Clients Have Done

Not my client, but defendant posted a Facebook status along the lines of that he had "taken care of business and the world is a better place because of it".  He was charged with battery after putting someone in the hospital that had attacked his 14 year old daughter.  The person didn't have a clear memory of the incident and other testimony later revealed the person beat up had an alibi for the attack in question.  Most likely the girl had made up the story to avoid trouble from being out drinking underage, though we never got the full story.  Anyways the dad was sentenced to 4 years in federal prison.

Paralegal. Once had a convicted criminal explain to me how their murder charge should be overturned because the victim didn't die at the scene of the crime. The victim died at the hospital, therefore the defendant couldn't be charged with anything more than attempted murder.

I have two stories that come to mind. One, a colleague of mine, was representing an arsonist mny years ago that had allegedly set quite a large fire that burned some public land. Due to the $$ cost of the damage, it was a felony. During the State's case in chief, he began touching himself. Recess had to be called. Funnily enough, that helped him in punishment phase, since there was clearly a mental component there, but still...big oof, and I don't know if what had been shown up to that point would have gotten a guilty.

Second was one of mine, again, many years ago. I had gotten a guy a pretty great deal on a serious theft charge. Prior to it being entered, he ended up picked up by the sheriff's office for violating conditions of bond. How did he violate? The Sheriff alleged that he used the banking information OF THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE to pass fake checks. This meant that in the new charge, the sheriff's office was the victim.

Needless to say, the deal vanished.

IANAL. I handle work comp claims. This one always cracks me up. Guy claims bilateral wrist injuries from repetitive motion cutting meat. We get "word" aka he posts on his Facebook about him competing in an MMA style event. Send surveillance there which gets this dude fighting with no issues.

One of my BIL lawyers (there were three at one point) was described as incompetent and failing to provide adequate counsel by his former client, on death row, for failing to get an innocent verdict. The problem was that the client (since executed) went to his local bar immediately after committing the murder at a local grocery store in broad daylight, and proceeded to brag for hours how he'd killed the victim, in very specific detail. Also there were something more than a dozen eyewitnesses...

Am criminal defense lawyer. Client arrested on DUI. Client lived in small town. He and his wife would drive to the one bar in town, drink, then walk to their houseboat after a night at the bar (1/4 mile away). He and wife know everyone in the bar, another patron they know gets blasted, bar owner says she can’t stay, client and wife walk her to his car to stay there until ride comes.

Client gets her in backseat of the suv. Client is drunk, drops keys on the way to front seat, opens now unlocked front door, turns on car lights to see (he walked around the front from rear passenger), cops are waiting to see if people leave bar drunk, sees lights, says he saw driving, immediately rolled up arrests client.

Client has prior dui from 12ish years before. Judge agreed that it wouldn’t come in, jury wouldn’t hear it unless he “opened the door.” Can’t win the case unless dude testifies. I prep him, continue to prep him, keep prepping him, but tell him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES can he say he would never drive drunk, never do anything like that. Basically anything about the past = no.

Direct is going well, gave him a beautiful, easy, last question where he could explain the night, explain why he was upset he got arrested (because he wasn’t driving and was doing everything right).

“I would never do something like that.” Door open, judge lets da in rebuttal bring in old dui. Jury took about 25 minutes to convict.

And that’s about one of a hundred stories. Life is never dull in the criminal defense world.

She was doing “magnet therapy” with a “therapist” five hours away by phone. The “therapist” had the magnets. My client would hold the phone up to various parts of her body that needed the magnetic energy to help it heal.

For $2000/ month.

She never told me about this in the dozens of hours we prepared by talking everything through. I learned during the other side’s cross of her.

I’ve never been tempted to head desk in court before.

Not in the US, but the judge asked if the defendant was remorseful (if you show regrets, you can have some leniency).

"No".

The guy didn't understand the question, and when he doesn't, he just usually says "no".

I tried a sexual harassment case in a conservative county. Young female victim, gross old male perpetrator. We had really good evidence, including admissions. The jury voted defense. After the verdict, my client and I were sitting out in front of the courthouse. She was crying. The jury foreman, who had just voted for the defense, came up to me and said, 'If that son of a bitch had done that to my daughter, I would’ve gone down to that store and kicked his ass.

Client returns to court drunk after luncheon adjournment. Falls asleep, and his head drops right into the side of the witness box, whereupon he proceeds to snore. Loudly.