48 People Share The Secrets They Accidentally Discovered About Someone And Can Never Unlearn Again

Whether or not to disclose a secret is, at the end of the day, your personal decision, with all of the weight that this carries. In a nutshell, secrecy can sabotage your growth and undermine your relationships.

But a good rule of thumb to keep in mind is that you should be honest about things that affect other people. Meanwhile, you can choose to keep private things, well, private. And the timing of any revelations is absolutely everything.

According to family therapist Evan Imber-Black, family secrets are destructive. And yet, it really does matter when you reveal them, as well as how. Timing is vital. You may want to avoid tackling such important issues around key moments like weddings, graduations, and new beginnings.

“From government conspiracies to couples having affairs, secrets permeate every level of society,” she writes.

According to Imber-Black, family secrets “shape and scar us” in the following ways. They can:

1. Divide and permanently estrange family members
2. Discourage people from sharing information with people outside the family
3. Freeze personal development and inhibit growth of self and identity
4. Lead to painful miscommunication in the family, unnecessary guilt, and doubt

“A person who seeks to undo the damage caused by family secrets must accept that revealing a secret is not a betrayal but a necessity,” Imber-Black says.

That being said, while there are no ‘perfect’ moments to reveal a secret, you should probably avoid important life moments. “Either the importance of the secret will be lost in the event, or the secret will diminish the importance of the ritual.”

In short, pick a regular day.

If you’re a mental health professional working with secrets, you can find yourself in a bind.

One study that looked at the experiences of family therapists working with family secrecy found that they present plenty of tough challenges for professionals.

One way that therapists can guard their position of trustworthiness for each family member is to avoid becoming stuck in secrecy in the first place.

“Furthermore, therapists explore ways to guide the family toward the disclosure of the secret in order to alleviate the toxicity of the secrecy.”

Another basic strategy involved therapists talking to the family about secrecy without aiming to disclose the secret.

How honest a person do you consider yourself? How often do you lie, and how many secrets do you have that would devastate you if they ever got spilled? Are you good at keeping secrets for other people?

If you’re feeling up to it, share your thoughts about your personal relationship with secrecy and honesty in the comments. And if you feel like you need to vent about something spicy you’ve overheard, feel free to open up. Just keep it as anonymous as you can.