30 Bone-Chilling Messages From Stalkers Who Refused To Take ‘No’ As An Answer

Bored Panda got in touch with KikiMay, a feminist content creator and researcher and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions. First and foremost, we wanted to know why women tend to be the primary victims of stalkers. 

“When you look at the fact that women are more than twice as likely to be stalked as men, that men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of stalking, and that most women report knowing their stalker or being in an intimate relationship with him – you really can’t ignore the role that gender plays here. Men in the U.S. grow up in a patriarchal society that teaches and reinforces ideas about men being entitled to women’s bodies, and men as leaders or decision-makers who should be given deference and care.”

“When women reject men’s advances, it seems incongruous to the way men have been raised to think things “ought to be,” and one result of that is to not take no for an answer by stalking. It helps men regain that sense of control, and it also helps reinforce the idea with their victims that they should be afraid of them – and of men, in general – if they behave in ways that aren’t in accordance with traditional gender roles,” she shared with Bored Panda.

“We also can’t ignore the ways in which institutionalized sexism and misogyny helps men get away with stalking behaviors against women more often. Women are less likely to be believed by police officers and medical professionals. They’re often seen as overreacting, for instance – even though the vast majority of women who were stalked by an intimate partner were also physically or sexually assaulted by the same partner.”

“And then there’s the shame women feel – like they must have done something to cause this kind of behavior – because living in a society where sexism and misogyny are so interwoven into the fabric of our day-to-day lives means that victim blaming just seems normal. She should have chosen a better partner, she should have left the first time – but it's this very shame that allows them to be victimized more, because they often won’t report their stalking, or they’ll be more susceptible to gaslighting by their stalker about how they “made” him do what he’s doing. It’s a vicious cycle.”

From the other side, we wanted to hear why she thought many men were likely to engage in this sort of behavior. “I think I touched upon this in my first answer – growing up in a patriarchal society means that men feel entitled to women’s bodies, time, and attention – but I’ll try to expand here. Men often view relationships as transactional, so they’re thrown off-kilter if they buy a woman a drink or dinner and then they don’t get what they were expecting in return – which is usually sex or some form of physical intimacy – but can also just be praise or admiration.”

“When you grow up in a society where you are centered and privileged, where everything built – from the chair you’re sitting into the TV programs you watch and the stores you shop in – were specifically designed for you – it can be destabilizing to not get what you want. And for some, that destabilization leads to dangerous, unacceptable behaviors like stalking. For others, it goes a step further to violence.”