Stay-at-home parents make many sacrifices to be with their kids and take care of everything that needs to be done in the house. Some even give up their careers to have enough time to look after their children's needs. All in all, it’s a choice that comes with a lot of responsibility and shouldn’t be forced on someone or decided haphazardly.
Unfortunately, a newly pregnant woman who had no intention of being a stay-at-home mom was faced with the choice when her boyfriend suddenly told her that’s what he wanted.
More info: Reddit
Girlfriend laughs at boyfriend's sudden plan for her to be a stay-at-home parent and manage everything on his salary as an electrician
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The woman and her boyfriend, Andrew, have been dating for 3 years, they planned to have children later but were surprised to find out she's pregnant
Image credits: ALINA MATVEYCHEVA (not the actual photo)
To look after the baby, they’ll have to combine finances since Andrew is an electrician, and she just graduated, but he said he expected her to be a stay-at-home mom
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
He liked that his mom stayed home and expected his GF to do the same, his plan was to take overtime and marry her so that she’d have “extra security”
Image credits: u/SherbertNew2535
She burst out laughing at his suggestion because she knew they’d struggle on just his salary, and she wants a career since she's the first person from her family to get a degree
There has been an increase in the number of stay-at-home parents in the last few years, with almost 15% of mothers choosing this lifestyle. But even though many folks want to care for their children this way, not everybody is on board with the idea. Women, especially those who pick this role, do so with a lot of forethought or due to the rising cost of childcare. It isn’t a sudden decision.
The poster shared that she is proud of her education and career, and she doesn’t seem to have plans to give any of that up to stay at home with a baby. Longitudinal surveys do show that mothers who wanted to stick with their careers and did so had better physical and mental health. Moms who stayed out of the workforce to raise their kids fared similarly.
It was only those mothers who stopped working to stay at home and then restarted their careers later whose mental health declined. If the poster chose to be a stay-at-home mom and then later tried to focus on her career, she would probably face an immense struggle. However, Andrew, her boyfriend, did not think about any of that. He wanted her to stay at home because his childhood had benefited from it.
Andrew said that he had been raised by a stay-at-home mom, and he loved the experience. He wanted his baby to be brought up the same way. Although he’s not wrong, and mothers who stay at home find a lot of satisfaction in caring for their families, it is ultimately because they had the opportunity to choose for themselves.
Moms who chose not to stay at home have observed that the most backlash they receive for their decision comes from males. Men who were raised by mothers who gave up everything to be with them also expect the same from their wives. This is an unfair ask. As the commenters pointed out, maybe the poster should have turned the tables on Andrew and asked him to be a stay-at-home dad instead.
This is a major decision that a couple should not rush into. That’s why Bored Panda contacted Bola Sokunbi, a Certified Financial Education Instructor (CFEI), finance expert, 4-time bestselling author, speaker, and founder of Clever Girl Finance-one of the largest personal finance media/education platforms for women in the U.S. We asked her how a couple should go about discussing and planning their finances when one partner wants to or is expected to be a stay-at-home parent.
She said, “when one partner is deciding whether to be a stay-at-home parent or not, it’s essential to have an open and honest conversation about your finances as a couple. Start by taking a close look at your current financial situation, including your income, expenses, savings, and any debts. This will give you a clear picture of where you stand and what adjustments you'd need to make. It's also important that you set some financial goals together, like saving for emergencies, saving for retirement, and planning for future big-ticket items.”
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Bola Sokunbi also covered budgets and other financial concerns. She said: “additionally, you'll need to plan for health and life insurance to ensure everyone is covered. Budgeting is also going to be key, and you'll need to create a new budget that reflects your new single-income household. I'd also suggest exploring additional income sources for the stay-at-home parent, like part-time work or passive income opportunities, which can also help ease the financial transition and keep the household income diversified. With good communication and planning, you can make this new arrangement work smoothly for your family.”
Having one partner work and one look after the child only works if they have adequate finances. In this case, Andrew is working as an electrician and his sole income wouldn’t be enough to care for his family. He mentioned taking overtime, but the poster said they’d still have to budget every penny. Income is a necessary consideration if one person is going to take up the role of a stay-at-home parent.
According to Bola, here are a few financial planning steps a person could take if they wanted to be the sole breadwinner. She stated that one should “start by building up a healthy emergency fund to cover at least six months of your core living expenses (housing, food, transport, core utilities). This will be your safety net for any unexpected costs. You also want to make sure you have good health insurance and life insurance to protect your family.”
“As mentioned earlier, set up a budget that accounts for all your household needs and review it often, adjusting accordingly. Also, be sure to contribute consistently to your retirement savings, either through your work's 401(k) or an IRA. Lastly, don't forget about setting up a college savings plan for your future children, like a 529 plan, and consider talking to a financial advisor to ensure you're on the right track,” Bola added.
Along with the woman actively choosing this lifestyle and there being a steady stream of income, it’s also important for both partners to understand their roles clearly. Since the couple was taken by surprise due to the accidental pregnancy, they have not had a chance to talk things out. They should have a lengthy discussion about their roles and responsibilities when caring for a newborn. Otherwise, a lot of work will probably fall on the mom’s shoulders.
When it comes to stay-at-home parenting, Verywell Family states, “first and foremost, consider your personal beliefs, priorities, finances, and lifestyle.” It’s obvious from OP’s reaction that she and Andrew have very different beliefs about their roles and how they want the baby to be raised. Hopefully, he is able to forgive her for laughing, and they later come to a mutual agreement.
People said it wasn’t nice she laughed at his idea and that she should have considered his point of view, but they agreed that he was wrong to have sprung the suggestion on her
