In 1995, a study found that the average American chose finances as 'the most important thing in life.' Although things have thankfully changed since then, with people starting to prioritize family and love life over money, it shouldn't be all that surprising that money is a sensitive topic that can cause many headaches for people in relationships — especially if both partners' financial situation is as different as day and night.
When this 22-year-old graduate was asked by her much older and well-earning boyfriend to move in with him across the country, it sounded like that could be the next step in their relationship. But then the financial disparity between the two raised some serious concerns for the author.
Confused about whether this is the right idea and how committed her boyfriend really is, both financial and emotional, the author of the story turned to the trusted 'Am I The [Jerk]' community to seek the perspective of others.
Regardless of how happy people are with their significant others, money is a topic that couples consistently disagree on
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
No matter how old you are, all of us probably have heard the Beatles' famous lyrics: "I don’t care too much for money; money can’t buy me love." And while that is unarguably true, money, however, can make one's love life much easier: not only does finances make it harder to enjoy each other, as 1-in-3 couples in America will attest, it's one of the most common reasons why people fall out of love and eventually divorce.
To understand what role money plays in a relationship, Bored Panda has reached out to Kim Stephenson, a financial psychologist and the co-author of 'Finance Is Personal: Making Your Money Work for You in College and Beyond.' One of the first things Kim tells us is that there's a false misconception that money and wealth is directly linked to happiness. "The fact is, money doesn’t predict happiness," he said. "Everybody thinks, 'I’ll be happy when... I get a pay rise, a bigger house, car, better spouse etc. And experience and masses of research show that isn’t true. You maybe feel good for a few weeks and then you figure you need another pay rise."
As Kim explains, we live in a time when most of us want more of everything, ignore the important things in life, and fail to realize that "money isn’t important until you know what you want the money to do" — hence the titular story. What he suggests is relatively simple: be clear and honest about what money means to you with your partner. Stephenson notes that this line of communication helps to express "values, what is really important to each person – not in terms just of material goods. But in terms of what they want their life to be about, what purpose they see in living and what they want to do with their time, money and other resources." In other words, if you really love someone — "use your money as a tool to get the life you want [together]."
And when the financial disparity becomes too obvious to be ignored, this can lead to a serious make-or-break situation
Moving in together with your significant other is one of the most nerve-wracking but exciting moments in a person's life. Still, despite what some relationship experts say — moving in together puts the couple ahead of the relationship game — it's also linked to greater odds of divorce. Believe it or not, there's even a name for this phenomenon called the "premarital cohabitation effect." Over many decades, researchers and academics have found that while living with your partner pre-marriage doesn't have an effect in the first year of marriage, it increases the odds of divorce in all other years.
Does that mean people should stop living together before finally tying the knot? Well, no. But as the 'evidence' shows, moving in can act as a break-or-make moment — especially if the financial disparity between the two is as big as the Grand Canyon. To this, Kim notes, there's an antidote called communication. "It’s not the money disparity that’s the problem. It’s the relationship and people being honest about what they want, about feeling valued for who they are (not just for how much they’ve got)," he explained. "If people can’t be honest, then all sorts of elephants in the room start appearing."
For the couple in the story, their elephant was their financial disparity. One was expected to punch above her financial weight, while the partner simply followed the big money. Asked what Stephenson would advise people placed in a similar scenario, he said: "If I were coaching or advising a couple on that, I’d start by getting them to talk to me and to one another. You don’t have to be a financial wizard, or ask for 'expert' advice — you’ll know what the obvious solution is," he told.
The key to a happy, stress-free relationship, Stephenson explains, comes down to basic skills: honest communication and finding out what really matters to you in life. After you sort that out together, nothing will stop you. At least not until the first scandalously expensive rent payment.
People were very concerned with the boyfriend's intentions and advised the author to reconsider continuing their relationship
In the end, the author filled in the missing gaps by providing some additional information
