Have you ever lent your broke pal a couple of bucks, but they never paid back, so you had to chase them for a good few weeks? Or perhaps splurged on a takeaway on a Friday night two times in a row, but nobody reimbursed you or treated you to some sushi either?
Well, the author of today’s story is no stranger to this situation! Their BFF makes significantly less than them yet still blows cash on stuff she can’t actually afford and then uses the OP for free food and never repays her debts.
This comfortably situated netizen has a buddy who likes to splurge on stuff she can’t actually afford
Image credits: mnplatypus (not the actual photo)
She also uses them and often asks them to get her things, but has to be chased afterward since she neglects to pay them back unless reminded
Image credits: JESHOOTS-com (not the actual photo)
Image source: Practical_Rich_4032
“Am I responsible for reminding others that they still owe me money?” – this internet user took to Reddit’s r/ChoosingBeggars community, asking its members if they’re indeed in charge of reminding their friend she owes them cash.
Money – a thing that has and forever will have every person that walks on this planet by the throat; it ruins all kinds of relationships and, to be frank, pretty much lives in general while still being that special something that gives us the opportunity to exist in comfort and contentment.
Chances are, the majority, if not all of you, have had a quarrel or two regarding finances with your close ones at least once in your lifetime. Perhaps you and your partner have fought about how money should be saved and spent, you’ve fallen out with your relatives over inheritance, been stood up by your business partners, or lost funding from your investors; or, like in the case of today’s story, you simply weren’t paid back by a person you thought was your best friend – whatever it is, it’s never pleasant!
Helping your broke pals is a good deed, without a doubt; you do it because you care and because you’d like to believe that they would do the same thing if you were to be in the exact same position. However, we often forget to remember that humans are notorious for being selfish and frequently do things for their own benefit – that’s why it’s vital to establish boundaries even with your so-called ride-or-dies.
Yes, nobody likes confrontation and chasing after things that belong to them, be it money or anything else, but sometimes, it’s better to earn the moniker of a materialistic jerk and have your hard-earned Benjamins back in your pocket.
One day, after not seeing each other for a while, the OP reminds her about the $50 she owes
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Since the bulk of us can probably relate to the author’s issue, Bored Panda decided to reach out to a couple of experts to try and understand it better. Our first professional is Marcus Bowery, a CBT/REBT therapist who specializes in “helping clients reclaim rationality when stuck in a world of illogical thought.” Marcus runs his own online practice, as well as a face-to-face one in Brighton, UK.
Here’s his take on the situation: “For anyone who finds [themselves] asking for money to be repaid, there could be a few things at play. Most likely this will be a discomfort disturbance linked to either the prospect of challenging conversations, or worries about what the other person will think of them for asking. If you’re entering a conversation with the mindset ‘What if they get angry? What if they’re having a hard time financially?! What if it causes us to fall out!?’ then it’s likely you have an irrational belief about controlling outcomes. By trying to avoid what you perceive to be awful – confrontation – as well as your low frustration tolerance for difficult feelings – ‘I can’t stand it-itis’ – you’re unlikely to approach the chat with assertiveness or authority. After all, the cash was originally yours, right?
If you’re worried about appearing grabby, tight or unsympathetic, then you may be experiencing an irrational belief about negative judgment, and denying the possibility that someone may think badly of you, because as far as you’re concerned that MUSTN’T HAPPEN, and if it did, it would be CATASTROPHIC!! Neither of these mindsets puts you in a good position to be clear about what you’re asking, to recognize that you’re not responsible for how someone else reacts, and you’re likely to put off the conversation, ultimately making it more and more challenging to ask! You’re acting against your actual GOAL.
In REBT, we help clients see that having a rational belief – one which aligns with reality – is much more productive. So, ‘I hope they don’t get annoyed at me, but there is that possibility. If they do, it’s challenging but not the end of the world and I can tolerate that situation. If they get angry with me, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, just that in their eyes, I have faults, but that doesn’t define me…’ – doesn’t that seem more logical to you?!”
But instead of cutting to the chase and transferring the money, she bashes them for not giving her a heads-up sooner
Image credits: Bich Tran (not the actual photo)
Our second expert is Joe Aparo, a counselor working in Brighton and Hove! We first questioned the man why asking someone to return your money is so difficult, to which he said: “Because it has elements of confrontation. The need to be liked, or thought well of, is quite primal. In evolutionary terms, being a valuable member of ‘the tribe’ could have been a matter of life and death. We worry that if there is a confrontation, people might think less of us. We aren’t always sure we are doing the right thing and worry about how we come across. So how socially confident we feel can play a large part in how easy or difficult we find it to ask for money to be repaid.”
BP then pondered if Joe believes that we should remind people that they owe us money: “It’s not easy to generalize. I guess it depends on what that money means to the person who lent it. If it’s a trivial amount, it might feel less awkward socially to not chase the money and to write the debt off, but that may feel impossible if it really is bothering a person on principle, or if it’s a larger sum, or they simply need it back. In which case, then yes, it would be a good idea to ask for the money back.
It’s not the amount of money, it’s the meaning a person attaches to it. It depends on their values and how they feel about themselves. Not being repaid might make a person feel less valued, they might find it rude and very upsetting. Whereas others may simply not think it’s important at all.”
Last but certainly not least, Joe shared how to deal with a friend that uses you: “Over time our relationships tend to develop unspoken rules. Like a social contract, but where all the clauses are implicit and we understand them intuitively, they are simply assumed.
When we no longer like the rules of that friendship, it becomes hard to unilaterally change the terms and conditions because everything is so implicit. If we have let a friend use us, they may have an expectation, or an assumption that we think it’s ok, because that’s how it was done in the past.
A good way through this might be to make the implicit rules explicit. To create and maintain clear boundaries with our friends. In counseling, I make a verbal contract with clear rules about what people can expect from me and also what I expect from them. Boundaries allow for clarity in our social interactions. If you don’t want to lend money to someone because you can’t afford to, or aren’t convinced you’ll get it back, you don’t have to make things personal.”
Now, what do you think about people that never pay others back?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the situation
