Births in the family are meant to be happy occasions, and your relatives should be there to support you. However, some people are so entitled and self-centered that they’ll belittle you and rage at you when you’re at your most vulnerable.
A mom of twins who had an incredibly traumatic birth experience turned to the internet for advice after her sister and mom raged at her and shared their brutally honest feelings about her. Devastated, she started looking for ways out of this family mess. Read on for her story in her own words, as well as the internet’s timely advice.
A traumatic birth experience should be an opportunity for a family to come together and support each other
A mom asked for advice online after her sister and mom revealed their true feelings about her and her husband
Image credits: smokeandshadows
Toxic family members constantly look for ways to undermine you. They don't lead with kindness or empathy
We believe that everyone deserves to be loved, cared for, and supported by their family members. It’s natural for there to be some tension between people who spend lots of time around each other. However, when you’re dealing with outright toxicity, lashing out, emotional raging, and deep resentment, something is fundamentally wrong.
Even if you’ve done nothing wrong, you can still feel guilty. Reaching out to a therapist can help you get perspective on what’s really going on in your family. They can also guide you in setting and protecting healthy boundaries. If your relatives continue actively hurting your well-being, you need to start to prioritize your mental and emotional welfare. You may need to consider cutting your family members off… at least until they realize that they need to adjust their behavior with you.
According to hypnotherapist, life coach, researcher, and training provider Claire Jack, Ph.D., some of the main factors that indicate toxicity in your family include the following behaviors:
- Gossiping about you
- Picking on your weaknesses
- Refusing to allow you to change
- Constant infighting
- Violent behaviors being accepted or masked
- Refusing to let you step outside the family narrative
- Volatility and unpredictability
“Whether you’re a mother or a sibling, you’ll know other people in your family well enough to know how they tick—including their deepest vulnerabilities. Toxic family members will use what they know about your deepest vulnerabilities to make you feel bad about yourself and, potentially, to embarrass you in front of other people,” Jack explains in a piece on Psychology Today.
No matter what, you need to prioritize your well-being and mental health. Everyone deserves love from their family, not hate
Meanwhile, violence in families does not necessarily have to be outright physical. It can be emotional, too. Your relatives are likely toxic individuals if they constantly use each other, play games, manipulate one another, and behave erratically.
“You can be someone’s favourite one week and the next week you find out they’ve been saying horrible things behind your back. These weak foundations make the toxic family a volatile and unstable environment. You can’t rest easy knowing that your family members have your back when they’re just as likely to stab you in the back.”
Healthline points out how a toxic family environment can arise from behaviors such as overly harsh criticism and making you feel inferior, unwanted, or unloved. Toxic people try to control important aspects of your life, like your relationships and career decisions. Reading in between the lines, you get the sense that their love for you is conditional: they will withdraw their support if you don’t do what they tell you.
Again, small disagreements from time to time are inevitable, and they don’t matter much if, overall, your family respects one another and prioritizes love and kindness. Toxic families, on the other hand, revolve around contempt, disdain, mocking, and undermining your self-esteem. “Your family may not agree with everything you say or do, but they should still offer love and respect as you find your own path.”
What would you do if your family suddenly attacked you from a very selfish and entitled standpoint, while you’re incredibly vulnerable and in need of support? What kinds of boundaries would you set, and how would you protect your well-being in this case? Let us know in the comments.
The internet rushed to share advice with the emotionally exhausted mom. She answered people's questions in the comments, sharing more details
Here are more people's perspectives and words of wisdom
