We spoke with several experts who shared their insights on the one key factor for a thriving relationship that many couples tend to overlook. According to senior therapist and Lightline Therapy founder Jacob Mergendoller, LCSW, one of them is learning how to “fight right.”
As he explained to Bored Panda, most couples prioritize “winning” over trying to understand their partner. In turn, they miss out on the growth that comes with resolving conflicts.
“It's possible to combine kindness and gentleness with fighting; they are not mutually exclusive,” Mergendoller said. “We can grow closer together because of conflict, but to do this, we have to get to the heart of what we're really fighting about.”
Regarding conflict, clinical social worker and therapist Deanna Saunders, LICSW, notes that couples often don’t approach it with a “regulated nervous system.” As she explained, it occurs when a person responds defensively and negatively during an argument as a result of their fight-or-flight response.
Saunders says couples overlook this because we are programmed to think through our problems instead of recognizing that we need to take care of ourselves first. For this, she advises building awareness and paying attention to how our bodies react during conflict.
“Taking a five-minute pause when you notice fight-or-flight can prevent arguing about both the original issue and the hurtful comments made while dysregulated,” Saunders said.
Many of us focus on the discomfort that disagreements bring. But according to New York-based licensed therapist Ingrid Camacho, we can reframe that through co-regulation. Simply put, it’s the process of honoring your partner’s individuality during moments of conflict.
“The goal shifts from convincing to understanding, even if disagreement remains and compromise is needed,” she said, echoing Saunders’ previous statement of being mindful of your mood and slowing your breathing while listening.
Space and having a strong sense of individuality are two factors that couples overlook, according to trauma specialist and therapist Dr. Hannah Paull. As she noted, movies, social media, and even the people around us tend to romanticize the idea of “two becoming one.” Her advice: schedule curiosity.
“Instead of only scheduling date nights, set aside time to intentionally ask each other questions you don’t already know the answers to—about dreams, fears, memories, or future hopes,” she said, adding that relationships begin to stagnate when we assume we know everything about each other.
Keynote speaker and Primal Dating co-author Tim Ash mentioned another essential element that many people forget about: the biological asymmetries between men and women. It is when we fail to understand these differences that conflicts arise.
Ash says couples tend to overlook this because of cultural and personal beliefs, and urges clarifying the minimum needs that can only be met through an intimate relationship.
“If you start to pile extra wants on top of it, the relationship will break more easily,” Ash said. “Get your wants met outside of the intimate relationship.”
Many people also tend to undervalue the importance of asking their partner about their day. But as couples counselor and TEDx speaker, Dr. Claudia Six clarifies, it should be done without devices on hand and not while multitasking.
“Sometimes it’s easier for people to give you data than feelings,” Dr. Six said. “Read between the lines to get their state of mind, how they feel about things. Then you can offer support and empathy, advice if it’s requested (only if it’s requested).”
