Relationships, much like war, often take on a dynamic of their own, so it’s important to be able to step back and assess things, as well as having other people to talk to. Because, it’s very easy to convince yourself that things are absolutely fine when, in fact, they are not.
Someone asked “People who have been in abusive relationships, what was the first red flag?” and netizens shared their stories. A warning, some of the posts here are stories of domestic abuse. If you or anyone you know are going through violence at home, go to the hotline.org (if you are in the US) or the ncvd.org (for the UK).
#1
So I once worked as a prison warden in a prison for men who had abused their s.o.
During lunch breaks I used to read their court trials, the legal reasoning interest me.
During one lunch break I said to a more experienced colleague
-*Well, from working here and reading about all these trials I've learnt the importance of telling my *daughter (she was in her early teens back then*) to walk out after the first strike.*
-*No*, said my colleague, *you tell her to walk out when he starts to always pick her up from work. You tell her to walk out when she wants to go out with her friends and he insists on her staying at home by saying " but honey, I had planned to make you dinner and then we can cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie. That's where it begins. When the first strike hits she has been controlled for a long, long time*.
During lunch breaks I used to read their court trials, the legal reasoning interest me.
During one lunch break I said to a more experienced colleague
-*Well, from working here and reading about all these trials I've learnt the importance of telling my *daughter (she was in her early teens back then*) to walk out after the first strike.*
-*No*, said my colleague, *you tell her to walk out when he starts to always pick her up from work. You tell her to walk out when she wants to go out with her friends and he insists on her staying at home by saying " but honey, I had planned to make you dinner and then we can cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie. That's where it begins. When the first strike hits she has been controlled for a long, long time*.
81points
#2
When you find yourself not telling friends or family about things your SO has done/ the way you're being treated because "they wouldn't understand" and you don't want to make your SO look bad.
53points
#3
Looking back, there were so many red flags earlier, but the one I first realised at the time was when we had gone shopping and it had started pouring down rain out of nowhere. Everything is your fault if you're in an abusive relationship, according to your abuser.
Neither of us had an umbrella or anything because the weather had changed so rapidly, he then started screaming at me in the train station so badly one of the security guards had to intervene. I realised I was 18 years old, in the prime of my life and was stood here, crying and apologising to a man for the weather while strangers attempted to diffuse his anger at me fearing the consequences. That same night a woman sat next to me on the busy train held my hand quietly as he screamed at me across the aisle.
EDIT: Thanks everyone for your concern and well wishes!
I'm totally out of it now, after being pushed down stairs and losing weight rapidly from anxiety one of my school teachers intervened and got me the help I needed, now I've moved city to the university of my dreams and have the most gentle loving partner I could ever ask for.
Neither of us had an umbrella or anything because the weather had changed so rapidly, he then started screaming at me in the train station so badly one of the security guards had to intervene. I realised I was 18 years old, in the prime of my life and was stood here, crying and apologising to a man for the weather while strangers attempted to diffuse his anger at me fearing the consequences. That same night a woman sat next to me on the busy train held my hand quietly as he screamed at me across the aisle.
EDIT: Thanks everyone for your concern and well wishes!
I'm totally out of it now, after being pushed down stairs and losing weight rapidly from anxiety one of my school teachers intervened and got me the help I needed, now I've moved city to the university of my dreams and have the most gentle loving partner I could ever ask for.
47points
#4
He choked me. Then he got mad at me for crying because "it's not like I actually died.".
47points
#5
There were all of these unspoken "rules" I didn't know about until I would incur his wrath for breaking them.
46points
#6
For me, the first red flag was when we were joking around with one another on the couch. She threw a playful insult at me, I threw one back, and then she hauled off and slapped me in the face. There was no indication before-hand that she was like that.
I had grown up getting abused physically, and I didn't want to go back to that, so I called the evening off early and broke up with her the next day.
I had grown up getting abused physically, and I didn't want to go back to that, so I called the evening off early and broke up with her the next day.
39points
#7
When they dislike your friends for no reason. When they try and isolate you. When they insist on knowing your Facebook password. Poor mel.
38points
#8
Let's break the notion that you'll be able to notice the "first" flag, because abuse doesn't work like that. There are many, many flags that are considered abusive, but anyone can have a one-off. Your SO was jealous one time? That's not a flag.
The first thing I notice that almost always leads to abuse is a disregard for your feelings and the notion that they know what's best for you.
For example, my ex told me in the beginning that if I ever cheated on him, he'd k*ll me. It may not be entirely *normal* but enough people say it jokingly that you might not look twice. But he kept saying it. And eventually I told him how much it bothered me, that it wasn't funny. And he'd apologize and quit for a day or two, but he'd always continue. That was the first time I noticed how he'd disregard my feelings.
My little sister is in a new relationship. He's doing the same thing. She is skinny and she has some health issues that the doctors are trying to figure out, but sometimes eating physically hurts her. Her boyfriend vacillates between making her eat when she's not hungry, and yelling at her when she eats something he doesn't approve of. For example, she wanted a Monster. He told her it was unhealthy and b****ed at her to the point that she put it back. He told her she should drink flavored water instead. She said no, but he bought one for her anyway and made her drink it. It doesn't sound bad right now, but when someone takes your autonomy and makes your choices for you, it's not a good sign.
The first thing I notice that almost always leads to abuse is a disregard for your feelings and the notion that they know what's best for you.
For example, my ex told me in the beginning that if I ever cheated on him, he'd k*ll me. It may not be entirely *normal* but enough people say it jokingly that you might not look twice. But he kept saying it. And eventually I told him how much it bothered me, that it wasn't funny. And he'd apologize and quit for a day or two, but he'd always continue. That was the first time I noticed how he'd disregard my feelings.
My little sister is in a new relationship. He's doing the same thing. She is skinny and she has some health issues that the doctors are trying to figure out, but sometimes eating physically hurts her. Her boyfriend vacillates between making her eat when she's not hungry, and yelling at her when she eats something he doesn't approve of. For example, she wanted a Monster. He told her it was unhealthy and b****ed at her to the point that she put it back. He told her she should drink flavored water instead. She said no, but he bought one for her anyway and made her drink it. It doesn't sound bad right now, but when someone takes your autonomy and makes your choices for you, it's not a good sign.
35points
#9
His baby sister was innocently playing in the dirt... He walked over to her and smacked her hands and b****ed at her cause she was getting dirty. His brother quickly walked over, grabbed their sister, and took her to a different area of dirt and played with her.
That moment never sat well with me... Years later he turned out to be an abusive husband and was rough with our own daughter twice.
That moment never sat well with me... Years later he turned out to be an abusive husband and was rough with our own daughter twice.
29points
#10
When they start using your emotions to manipulate you. It's very subtle at first, but then it gets worse and worse. My ex girlfriend from a few years ago was abusive. I think people often overlook it when women treat men that way, and it's unfortunate because it exists more often than people think.
28points
#11
When she went through my phone and facebook and removed my female friends. I knew that normally, that'd be grounds for leaving her, but I took pity on her because she'd been abused in the past. That was a mistake.
28points
#12
He tried to make me sign a contract for rules to follow when I went to college. I tore it up and left his house. My dumb a*s stayed with him for about 6 months or so because I was young and dumb. However, I broke up with him and never spoke to him again.
28points
#13
The need for my undivided attention every day in my every waking hour. Seriously people, clingers are bad news.
27points
#14
When he moved in, he offered to add me to his cell phone plan, and I declined.
Then he tried to buy me a new cell phone as a gift. I told him that I liked my cell phone just fine and would select and buy my own replacement when the time came.
Then I suddenly started receiving nuisance phone calls and he suggested that I change my number. I told him that I had had my number since 1997 and had no intention of changing it.
One day, he came home with a new cell phone for me. I put it in a drawer and left it there.
Three days later, my phone disappeared.
I searched every inch of my house (the one into which he had moved) over the next 8 days, every moment I got that he wasn't there.
During this time, I relied solely on the cell phone he had given me.
On day 8 of my fine toothed comb, I found my phone in a box of his recently deceased father's legal papers. I kept it and hid it.
Two days later, I told him that our relationship was over, and that he needed to find a place to live within 30 days.
He pretended that he was going to go out and turned his truck around and blocked my car into the garage.
When he came back in, I was in the bedroom, because I was watching him block my car in through the window.
He closed the door and I just sat there....until I realized that he was moving furniture.
When I opened the door, there was a book shelf blocking the door jamb. At that time, I had 3 dogs and 3 cats, and the dogs were barking like mad on the other side. I would have k*lled them, had I knocked the shelf over.
I started screaming. He started laughing. He told me he had taken back the cell phone he had provided for me. He told me I was being evil, and that he would let me out when I came to my senses.
I waited until the dogs settled down, evidence that he was no longer standing at the door, and used the phone I had stolen back to call first my dad, then 911.
The police didn't give him 30 days to find a new place to live.
It turns out that he had moved six pieces of solid oak furniture into the small hallway from the master bedroom. The only way I would have gotten out would have been the windows.
Then he tried to buy me a new cell phone as a gift. I told him that I liked my cell phone just fine and would select and buy my own replacement when the time came.
Then I suddenly started receiving nuisance phone calls and he suggested that I change my number. I told him that I had had my number since 1997 and had no intention of changing it.
One day, he came home with a new cell phone for me. I put it in a drawer and left it there.
Three days later, my phone disappeared.
I searched every inch of my house (the one into which he had moved) over the next 8 days, every moment I got that he wasn't there.
During this time, I relied solely on the cell phone he had given me.
On day 8 of my fine toothed comb, I found my phone in a box of his recently deceased father's legal papers. I kept it and hid it.
Two days later, I told him that our relationship was over, and that he needed to find a place to live within 30 days.
He pretended that he was going to go out and turned his truck around and blocked my car into the garage.
When he came back in, I was in the bedroom, because I was watching him block my car in through the window.
He closed the door and I just sat there....until I realized that he was moving furniture.
When I opened the door, there was a book shelf blocking the door jamb. At that time, I had 3 dogs and 3 cats, and the dogs were barking like mad on the other side. I would have k*lled them, had I knocked the shelf over.
I started screaming. He started laughing. He told me he had taken back the cell phone he had provided for me. He told me I was being evil, and that he would let me out when I came to my senses.
I waited until the dogs settled down, evidence that he was no longer standing at the door, and used the phone I had stolen back to call first my dad, then 911.
The police didn't give him 30 days to find a new place to live.
It turns out that he had moved six pieces of solid oak furniture into the small hallway from the master bedroom. The only way I would have gotten out would have been the windows.
27points
#15
The first red flag is the person having an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to, like they need to be hands on in all your dealings and activities like they are your parent or some s**t.
Normal people don't want to coach your life, only f****d up people do.
Normal people don't want to coach your life, only f****d up people do.
26points
#16
When I finally broke down and asked for help with my depression. Not for her to fix it, but for understanding and loving me while I tried to get help. She responded with, 'I don't care, just let me know when it's over with.'
26points
#17
That they do things that hurt you emotionally and don't seem to care.
25points
#18
When I told a coworker about things she reacted with horror. That's the thing about abusive relationships, at least in my experience. They start off great and then slowly warp into something terrible and the abused person might not know.
I didn't even notice what was happening to me until two years in. Looking back it blows my mind that I accepted the treatment but at the time it just seemed fine.
I was working at a coffee shop and while closing one day started chatting with a new co-worker - by this point I had been isolated from all my friends and I thought it was because I was a terrible person so was cautiously trying to make a new friend. We were drinking wine while we worked and started dishing about our men and her reaction to my 'what happened on date night this past week' story was horror.
It got me thinking and once I knew to look, all of the other red flags showed up.
This was also the same way I found out my parents were abusive. A friend in high school saw the bruises and cuts and when I told her I got in s**t for losing a toy something she was like 'ummmm...that is not a normal reaction to that.'.
I didn't even notice what was happening to me until two years in. Looking back it blows my mind that I accepted the treatment but at the time it just seemed fine.
I was working at a coffee shop and while closing one day started chatting with a new co-worker - by this point I had been isolated from all my friends and I thought it was because I was a terrible person so was cautiously trying to make a new friend. We were drinking wine while we worked and started dishing about our men and her reaction to my 'what happened on date night this past week' story was horror.
It got me thinking and once I knew to look, all of the other red flags showed up.
This was also the same way I found out my parents were abusive. A friend in high school saw the bruises and cuts and when I told her I got in s**t for losing a toy something she was like 'ummmm...that is not a normal reaction to that.'.
25points
#19
Always getting their way no matter what and throwing a fit when they don't.
Holes in my condoms. Not a joke very serious.
Claimed she was having a bad day and wanted me to spend time with her. Sweet at first but when she kept on insisting on sex with no protection I drew the line.
Finally we ended up breaking up after she drew a knife on me.
Holes in my condoms. Not a joke very serious.
Claimed she was having a bad day and wanted me to spend time with her. Sweet at first but when she kept on insisting on sex with no protection I drew the line.
Finally we ended up breaking up after she drew a knife on me.
24points
#20
He "broke up" with me and said we could only get back together if I cut off my two best friends who were guys I had known since I was 2 years old.
He then continued to break up with me every time he wanted me to cut someone out of my life.
I was 15 at the time. By the time I was 18 I barely had anyone left in my life. Thank god for my family.
I was also bruised and battered to a pulp. Hindsight is a funny thing.
He then continued to break up with me every time he wanted me to cut someone out of my life.
I was 15 at the time. By the time I was 18 I barely had anyone left in my life. Thank god for my family.
I was also bruised and battered to a pulp. Hindsight is a funny thing.
22points