Even though research shows better-educated and higher-earning couples are generally happier than their peers, marital satisfaction is affected by many factors, says Lawrence T. White, who is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Beloit College in Wisconsin, United States.
"In fact, couples thinking about tying the knot might want to consider some of the indicators of less happy, less satisfying relationships," White explains.
"For example, when one partner scores high on a measure of neuroticism (negative emotionality) or fear of separation, that doesn’t bode well. Other predictors of less happy marriages include financial problems, chronic illness, having many children, and parenting struggles. A lot of stress in one’s life is not a recipe for a happy marriage!"
One of the biggest recent studies in this field comes from German researcher Ina Grau and her team, who collected data from 15,205 participants across 65 countries on six continents. All of them were legally married and born in the country where they lived. Their ages ranged from 18 to 92, with an average age of 44. Participants shared basic personal information and completed questionnaires measuring personality traits, attachment style, recent stress, aggression, and problem-solving habits. They also answered questions about marital satisfaction, including how happy they were in their relationship and whether they ever regretted it.
Grau and her team identified 20 factors linked to marital satisfaction. Some, like education level, agreeableness, having fewer children, and lower emotional instability, had only a small effect. But others turned out to be considerably more important.
A few of the factors measured in Grau’s study turned out to be fairly good predictors of marital satisfaction. For example, participants who scored high on conscientiousness (being responsible and reliable) or low on aggressiveness were more likely to report being happier in their marriage.
Also, spouses who often ignored their partner were more likely to be unhappy in their marriage, and those who frequently talked about separating were also more likely to be unhappy. Unsurprisingly, spouses who were not securely attached to their partner (in a psychological sense) were also more likely to report an unhappy marriage—these folks said they didn’t feel emotionally close and weren’t sure they could rely on their partner.
Professor White says what strikes him about this type of study is how straightforward the results sound.
"Of course, married people are happier when money is plentiful and when partners trust each other. Of course, married people are less happy when their partner neglects them," he says.
"[But] if these are no brainers—and I think they are—then why do so many marriages start strong but eventually lose steam, ending in unhappiness or even divorce?"
One explanation, according to White, is our tendency to engage in emotional reasoning.
"When deciding whether to commit to a long-term relationship, couples sometimes give too much weight to their feelings and too little weight to the advice from friends and family," the psychologist says.
"When we’re young and caught up in an exciting ... romance, we often struggle to see what is fairly obvious to everyone else."
Harvard professor and author of The Happiness Files: Insights on Work and Life, Arthur C. Brooks, says, "The goal of your marriage is not passion, it’s friendship. This is the goal: you must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse."
"There’s got to be something bigger than ‘Did you change his diaper?’ because that’s not going to be in common forever, and you’re going to be lonely in your relationship."
Which is why you should share these memes with your spouse!
