Throwaway because the whole point of this thread is to take this secret to the grave, right? I feel like this isn't actually that uncommon, but since it's still taboo as f**k I'm not taking any chances.
I'm generally not sexually attracted to anyone, but I *am* attracted to my cousin. He's a year younger than me and used to be the kid nobody noticed but me -- he was a little overweight for most of his childhood and was just generally awkward. I'd spend time with him and listen to him when we visited. When we were 11/12 we spent a whole week's vacation hiding under a fold-out bed with the door closed and locked just talking about our lives and how we felt about our families and all that. When we played together he used to let me tie him up and pretend that I was queen and had taken him -- a valiant warrior from a distant tribe -- prisoner. We'd also make paper airplanes and send them flying off the balcony of our grandparents' house. For a while we were really close, and then we didn't see each other for years. We drifted apart, but I found myself thinking about him every now and then, and we'd call and talk sometimes.
Fast forward a few years. I'm 17, he's 16. My family has moved closer to his. Now we're an hour apart. I'd *heard* that he's changed since I'd seen him last, but I didn't really think about it until we pulled up at my aunt's house. I say hi to everyone, they've all grown and changed. Then, fifteen minutes in, he comes downstairs fresh out of the shower apologizing for being late; he'd had to coach a junior soccer game in the southern summer heat and needed to clean up. Meanwhile, I'm dying. What the f**k happened to that awkward kid I used to know? He's 6'4", golden skin, sandy blonde hair, beautiful clear blue/green eyes. He's also lost all the baby fat and gained just enough muscle to make him look really damn good.
Since then, over the last two years, I've had to deal with this horrible attraction to him. We don't look anything alike and I basically thought of him more like a friend than a cousin growing up, and now that we're older (18/19) I keep thinking about him in incredibly inappropriate ways. He's only gotten better looking and more muscular and it's honestly the worst. A year ago he volunteered to be my model to help me practice outdoors photography (I was a fledgling photographer) and it turned into him lying shirtless on the grass and giving me these *looks.* I'm f****d in the head and I'm going to hell, but I figure as long as I keep repressing it I might get out of this alive.
Tldr: My cousin turned from an ugly duckling to, essentially, a greek god. I've been attracted to him for the past two years. Kinda hate myself.
God, it feels good to get this off my chest, even though I'm already kind of regretting it. Thanks, reddit. Hopefully I won't get too much backlash here.