You'd struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
You've got two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. You should go apologize to it.
At my funeral, I want my coworkers to be my pallbearers and lower my casket into my grave, so they can all let me down one last time.
And my personal favorite, from an episode of *Frasier* :
>Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful, that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now---I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.