“My Bank Account And My Therapist Are Still Recovering”: 47 People Share Red Flags That Made Them End Things

Apparently, the term “red flag” as a warning actually traces back to the 18th century, when red flags were used as signals during wars and battles to indicate danger.

If you saw a ship flying one, it meant no quarter was being given, meaning no mercy. For railways, it signaled that a train needed to stop immediately. It’s a pretty fitting phrase to have borrowed for dating, all things considered.

The tricky part is that we might know what red flags look like in theory, but actually spotting them when we’re dating someone is a different story. According to the Gottman Institute, humans are wired to bond with each other, and dating triggers a real chemical response in the brain.

Basically, your body will do everything in its power to make you fall for someone, whether they deserve it or not.

Oxytocin is released to help us attach, and dopamine makes us feel happy and elated around the other person. The result is that we aren’t necessarily seeing things all that clearly.

We tend to minimize the bad and explain away anything that feels off, in a way we probably wouldn’t if it were happening to someone else.

At the very least, if you know what kind of red flags to look for beforehand, you might be more prepared to spot them when they actually show up. And that way you’ll definitely be smarter about who you let into your life.

While there are probably infinite variations of them out there, relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four key behaviors that he considers the most telling, which he calls the Four Horsemen. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Criticism is pointing out character flaws in your partner. Defensiveness is refusing to take responsibility for your part in something.

Contempt is belittling someone and taking a position of superiority over them. And stonewalling is shutting your partner out completely. Chances are, at least one of these will ring a bell.

In practice, criticism shows up when someone regularly points out flaws in others, often using sweeping language like “you always” do this or “you never” do that.

Defensiveness is what happens when you raise a concern and the other person deflects or turns it back on you instead of actually listening.

Stonewalling looks like someone going completely quiet and unresponsive during conflict, in a way that feels like they have checked out of the conversation entirely.

Contempt, though, is the one Gottman considers the most damaging of the four.

It shows up when someone positions themselves as superior, through put-downs or mean-spirited sarcasm that makes you feel small about who you are or what you care about. If you notice it early on, take it seriously.