"She Told Me My Husband And I Would Make Hideous Babies”: 40 People Share The Moment They Realized Their ‘Best Friend’ Was Not A Good Friend

Every relationship fluctuates over the years, especially a best friendship that may have lasted for decades. But when we’ve invested years into a relationship, it can be hard to notice when it’s become more of a burden than a gift. We tend to romanticize the past and cling to all of the positive experiences, even if they were long ago, when sometimes, it’s just time to call it quits. 

To get some insight on how to know when it’s time to end a friendship, we consulted Alyssa Mancao, therapist and creator of Alyssa Marie Wellness Inc. “Signs that it's time to end a friendship are when you feel that your values are no longer compatible and you no longer desire to have them in your life, not even in the peripheral,” Alyssa says. “This often is due to a long history of incompatibility, betrayal, and mistrust. It is also normal to outgrow each other as friends and individuals. Cornerstones of a friendship are trust and joy, and without those things it may be a sign that it is time to move on,” she explains. “A person who competes with you, does things behind your back, and / or doesn't reciprocate action may not be someone that you would consider a close friend. Compatibility is an important part of a friendship and if you value loyalty, honesty, etc then it might be important for you that you have friends with similar values.” 

“Lastly, our bodies can sense when we are no longer interested in having someone in our life: (the following is unrelated to social anxiety) we might feel more irritable around them, have headaches when we're with them, and feel our mood shift when we interact with them,” Alyssa says. “We might also notice that we feel hesitant to be around them, avoid spending time with them, and no longer feel fulfilled when we do spend time with them.”

We also asked Alyssa what she thinks is important to get from a friendship. “Connection, conversation, safety and joy. Our friends are our support system, of course this varies based on the degree of friendship (we have close friends and we have friends that we may not talk to for a long period of time but feel like no time has passed when we do reconnect),” she says. “Friendships are the relationships that we get to choose in our life, so it doesn't make sense to choose friendships and connections that don't bring you peace. Our friends are our confidants and the people that we can turn to when we are feeling low, share our wins with and everything in between. These are the moments that connect us to our friends. I believe we can also have healing experiences in our friendships, we heal within human connection and with the right friendships we can feel better about ourselves.”

Alyssa also shared some advice for anyone who knows they need to distance themselves from a friendship. “Remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for you in this season of your life. The discomfort around distancing yourself from a friend might feel like guilt, but guilt is an emotion that indicates that you are doing something wrong,” she shares. “So remind yourself that you are not wrong for wanting to take care of yourself. If you are struggling with distancing yourself, write out a list of the reasons why you are distancing yourself, what you hope to gain by separating yourself from them (peace of mind, ease, minimizing your emotional labor) and remind yourself of how you have been feeling in the friendship, too."

"It's common to hyper focus on the good times when leaving a friendship or relationship, this might trip you up and have you question your decision making, so being clear about why you are doing what you are doing can be a helpful tool in facilitating the separation process. Lastly, depending on the context. it might even be a growth opportunity for you to share your intentions (depending on each person's level of emotional maturity) because ending a friendship doesn't have to be messy, chaotic, or dysfunctional, it can be a normal conversation that promotes healthy good- byes.”

Finally, Alyssa noted, “Let's normalize how our individual growth can sometimes bring us closer to our friends, or further apart. Being further apart from someone doesn't have to be a good / bad situation, we can just view it as something that just is and is part of the ebbs and flow of life.”

If you’d like to hear more words of wisdom from Alyssa, you can check out her company’s website right here.

Breaking up with a best friend can be incredibly difficult, if you are used to being in almost constant contact, if you live together, or if it will change the dynamics of your other friendships. But it’s important to remember that a best friend is supposed to be someone you can rely on and always turn to. If you no longer feel that way, maybe it’s time to move on. It can be easy to lose sight of what a good friend really is, but according to Lilianna Hogan at WebMD, there are certain trademark qualities that make a great friend. 

Lilianna notes that Aristotle wrote extensively about what makes a good friend and noted the importance of sympathy and mutual caring. There are many ways to exercise those qualities, including making each other feel good and supporting one another. You should always say nice things to your friends and compliment them. Make them feel proud of their accomplishments and support their endeavors. Being around a good friend should leave you feeling warm and fuzzy inside, and it should never make you more insecure or lead you to question parts of yourself.

It is also vital that a good friend accepts and celebrates your differences. It’s great to have some shared interests, but you cannot be the same person. Never try to change a friend, but stay open-minded to trying their hobbies. Regardless of what you think of your differences, there must always be respect. You can encourage your friend in pursuing their separate interests, and they should encourage yours. It's exciting to know that you can teach each other about topics that might be completely new to each of you! 

Another important quality of a valuable friend is being a good listener. You should both be interested in what one another has to say and allow them to finish without interrupting. Whether they are sharing exciting news or opening up about struggles in their personal life, your friend should know that they have a shoulder to lean on and that you will listen and remember what they share. On the same note, good friends are trustworthy. You should feel safe in a friendship knowing that what you share is confidential and will not be judged.

When conflicts inevitably arise over time, you should feel comfortable that respect and boundaries will always be maintained. “Perhaps you will do or say something that will upset your friend. Or maybe they have done something that upset you. Either way, close friends can candidly talk about these things and work through their issues,” Lilianna writes.

To maintain a healthy friendship, it’s also important to make time for your friend. If you live in the same city, try to regularly have a movie night or meet for coffee at least once a month to catch up. It’s easy to accidentally allow distance to slip in, but seeing a friend frequently strengthens your bond and deepens your understanding of one another. If you don’t live in the same place, the internet is a powerful thing. Keep in touch via phone or video calls often, and send each other messages when you get the chance. Even a recipe that you know they would enjoy, a cute photo of a dog that made you think of them, or a text reminding them of one of your favorite memories together can be great ways to show that even if you don’t talk every day, they still mean a lot to you. 

Aside from the obvious benefits of having someone to confide in and a go-to person to hang out with on Saturday night, healthy friendships can even benefit us psychologically. According to WebMD, some of the best things friendships can do for us are: increase our sense of belonging and purpose, boost our happiness and reduce our stress, improve our self-confidence and self-worth, help us cope with various traumas including divorce, illness, job loss or the death of a loved one, encourage us to adopt healthy habits and avoid unhealthy ones such as drinking or being stagnant, help put our problems into perspective to develop a deeper sense of meaning and direction, increase feelings of security, and ease the emotional impact of difficulties and provide ideas for how to handle hard times.   

If you realize that you are just not getting what you need out of a friendship anymore, it might be time to think about ending it. Some of the reasons you might want to rethink a friendship are changes in circumstances making the friendship too difficult, growing apart over time, dishonesty, negativity, only being friends out of obligation, rivalry, toxicity, or a difference in values. Arlin Cuncic at Verywell Mind recommends a few methods for stepping away from a friendship including the gradual fade-out, having a talk, taking a break, and ending things immediately. Which course of action is best to take is completely dependent on the nature of the situation, but they can all be done in a healthy way, especially if you benefit from removing yourself.

Arlin recommends that a gradual fade-out might be helpful for people who are afraid of confrontation. It is usually done to avoid any feelings from being hurt, but it can take a long time, especially if your friend is not getting the hint. It allows you to avoid having to explain yourself, but there is always a chance your friend will confront you about it. In any case, they might assume there is a problem with you, rather than thinking they have done anything wrong, so it probably will still accomplish the goal of ending the friendship. 

On the other hand, having a talk may sometimes be healthier. If you feel that the friendship might be salvageable or you think your friend will actually listen to what you have to say without becoming defensive, it might be worth having a conversation. This can be done in person or via text, but it is important to talk about how you are feeling, not what the other person has done wrong. Focus on “I” statements, so they don't feel like they are being attacked for their actions.