While many of us might have certain dreams or visions of a life together with our current partner, the reality is that people change and sometimes we are not quite perceptive enough towards their flaws.
Someone asked folks online “What was the reason you didn’t marry the person you thought you were going to?” and people shared their stories. We also got in touch with marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw to learn more about communication and “red flags.” So get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorites and be sure to comment your thoughts below.
More info: ElizabethEarnshaw.com
#1
He got drunk one night and started yelling at me for eating french fries with my fingers instead of using a fork. All I could think of afterward was a lifetime of being yelled at for stupid s**t, so I broke it off with him.
246points
#2
We had been together for a short while when “things got too real” and he broke it off. Flash forward 6 years and I go on a blind date only to find out it’s him. That night started a series of very long conversations where we cleared the air and all the skeletons were taken out of the closet. And we decided to give it a go again. After being together for a few months he popped the question, I said yes and we started making plans. About a week later I received a call from his sister. He had died. He was a long haul trucker and had developed phlebitis (blood clots in his legs). One of the clots broke loose and caused a massive heart attack. Thankfully it was in his sleep so he didn’t suffer. I think about him every day and miss him terribly.
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237points
#3
We had been together for 3 years when I proposed. We held a big engagement party at my parents place in the country, and invited both of our families.
Not only did our families not really get along, we didn’t even get along with our own families. We had a long talk about dropping 5 figures on a glorified party for people we don’t like. That led to a conversation about whether we really believed in marriage.
Together, we called off our engagement at that party (but we didn’t tell people for months.)
This year will mark 19 happily unmarried years we’ve been together.
Edit: Thanks to everyone for the kind replies! In Canada, you get many benefits from a common law partnership. You can also register as a domestic partnership at any Service Canada centre, which we’ve done. Only took a few minutes.
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232points
Bored Panda got in touch with marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw to learn more about communication in a relationship and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions. Firstly, we wanted to know what things a person should really consider before a relationship gets serious.
“Before committing to a long term relationship, I think it's important to consider the other person's capacity for both openness and respecting boundaries. When we look at healthy relationships, what we see is that those who are in fulfilling relationships have a good sense of how to respect each other's boundaries and also have the ability to be open and loving.”
#4
Right as I started to think of marriage he quit his job, then decided I needed I made enough to pay for the 2 of us. Then got mad when I cut the cable TV and things like Netflix to save money, because he was not looking for a job and we were slowly going broke.
As a gay man myself, I am not paying for another grown man to live. I don't care if he works 35 hours a week at McDonalds, he has to contribute something.
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230points
#5
He wanted an open marriage (we were engaged). I am monogamous and he knew how I felt about anything open.
Then I found out he was in a relationship with a co worker at his job. On top of that, I found out that If I did marry him, I would be wife number five! (he only told me about his first marriage and said that was it).
His daughter told me everything.
His other exes divorced him because he just didn't understand that being married and having a chick on the side wasn't an option.
Just throw the whole dude away.
205points
#6
We were decent together and it seemed like the next logical step. I bought a ring and we flew to California for her to meet my parents. I was going to propose to her.
She knew my parents had money (but not to what extent), even though I didn’t have money. I was having a hard time making the mortgage on my 75k house with utilities and basic upkeep.
We spend a week living outside anything we could ever afford. Borrowed my parent’s cars, spent time at their house in Lake Tahoe, nice dinners.
We spend a week living outside anything we could ever afford. Borrowed my parent’s cars, spent time at their house in Lake Tahoe, nice dinners.
Before I actually proposed she started talking about my trust (which never existed), how much they’d give us for a wedding gift, how much I’d be making when I took over my dad’s business (never going to happen. Never even worked for him). I decided to wait on proposing.
Within 2 months of us getting back home she traded in her car for an SUV she couldn’t afford, bought silly items she couldn’t afford, stopped paying her portion of household bills. She was a completely different person. Even when we talked about it she said she could see that my current lifestyle was just to make sure she wasn’t with me for the money. I could never convince her otherwise and we broke up a few months after our visit to California.
I’m married to a woman now who I’m obsessed with. We have a strong and loving marriage. We’ve supported each other through our career growth and are doing ok financially. I never dreamt I could be this happy. Luckily for me everything worked out great.
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197points
“Of course, we are all works in progress so no one has this completely "right". However, we want to ask ourselves, does it seem like this person has a willingness to be a respectful and open partner?” she shared with Bored Panda. After all, even with a “perfect” partner, it’s still possible for issues to arise, so knowing how to handle them is just as important and knowing where boundaries lie.
#8
Said something about finding herself. Anyway, she was looking for herself in other guys’ beds, which I thought was a funny place to look for one’s self.
148points
#9
She went put with a friend one night and asked me to come pick her up the next morning. I knocked on the apartment door, and my fiance answers, she said, "You want to just wait out here while I get dressed? It was 32 degrees outside, so I said no and walked in. I could hear rustling around coming from one of the bedrooms. I said, oh Is that Kasey(Her best girlfriend)? I walk back there, and she's literally trying to hide two men in her closet. I looked at my fiance and said, "I'll ruin your life if you ever try to contact me," and I left.
I've been happily married to the love of my life for 10 years. So thanks, Kasey, for taking Haley out that night!
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145points
We were also curious to hear her opinion on the question of if it’s important for people to share their own stories, both in relationships and outside of them. Yes, I do. I think there is a time and place - perhaps don't share it all on the first date - but I do think if you're in a long term relationship with someone that part of getting to know them is getting to know their stories and what has influenced them and the way that they feel about themselves and the world around them. “ You can find more of her work on her website and her new book, "Til Stress Do Us Part", on Amazon.
#11
Realized i would’ve been his second mom for the rest of my life instead of his partner.
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143points
#12
Everyone’s is sad or heartbreaking.
I was 18 and he was 24 and thought he was a werewolf. It wasn’t til he stopped the car while taking me home to howl at the moon that I realized I needed to get out.
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140points
#13
First person I was engaged to ended up beating the s**t out of me. That was the end of that.
133points
#14
He wanted babies
I had fertility issues
He wanted to speed up baby making and ivf
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.
125points
#15
My friend found her on tinder
Edit: didn’t expect it to blow up. To summarize the answers: no my friend didn’t match with her, just sent me the screenshot, I instead tinder and found her profile to double check. Her profile picture was a picture that I took after we got engaged so it wasn’t her old profile. On the upside I kept the tinder profile that I created to find her profile and eventually ended up meeting my future wife there so there’s that.
Edit 2.0: the way I approached my ex about the whole thing was creating a profile with my real name and photos and leaving a “super like” or whatever it’s called now so that if it was her she’d definitely see it. She did and she messaged me about it apologizing and trying to explain herself, so no, it wasn’t a catfish, my ex just didn’t think I’d find out because I never used tinder before.
116points
#16
She committed s*****e. Over 50 years and I'm still not really over it.
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116points
#18
He ended up having a wife I did not know about.
105points
#19
We were discussing former partners and somehow she got to the point where she told me she didn't expect me to be her last partner.
And not in the sense of "after you die, I'll go on with my life". She sincerely didn't expect us to stay together forever.
Now I can respect some realism in a relationship, but I decided right there and then that we weren't going to make it.
We broke up that same week.
And not in the sense of "after you die, I'll go on with my life". She sincerely didn't expect us to stay together forever.
Now I can respect some realism in a relationship, but I decided right there and then that we weren't going to make it.
We broke up that same week.
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105points
#20
Alcoholism and never ending lies about even minor things. After 5 years of giving chances and hoping things will change, I realized that they, in fact, won't and this will be my life if I don't break it off.
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105points