45 Wedding Breakups That Were Messy, Emotional, And Completely Justified

Approximately 20% of engagements are broken off before the wedding. That means about one in five couples who get engaged never make it to the altar.

That’s a significant number. But is it really such a bad thing if you realize your partner isn’t right for you? Walking away from a relationship that no longer feels healthy takes courage, and choosing yourself is rarely the wrong choice.

Still, not everyone is able to admit that to themselves, especially under the pressure of an approaching wedding.

That’s why Bored Panda reached out to Chloe Bines, a breakup coach who specializes in integrated attachment theory, to explore how people can recognize toxic dynamics and start the healing process.

According to Bines, the ability to make the right decision for yourself often begins with how secure you feel within.

When you have a strong sense of self, it is much easier to recognize when a relationship no longer aligns with your needs and to act on that realization.

In healthy relationships, this sense of secure attachment means both partners feel emotionally safe, supported, and comfortable with closeness. They’re able to communicate openly, navigate conflict constructively, and trust that their partner will show up for them.

This emotional security often takes root in childhood, shaped by consistent and attuned caregiving. When those early needs are met, it creates a stable foundation—an internal blueprint—for how we relate to others later in life.

But when those needs go unmet, that foundation can be shaky. And over time, it can lead to patterns that quietly sabotage our adult relationships.

Take anxious attachment, for instance. People with this style often feel unsure about where they stand with their partner. They may constantly worry about the relationship’s stability and find it hard to let go, even when they’re being mistreated, manipulated, or gaslighted.

In contrast, people with an avoidant style tend to distance themselves emotionally. They may struggle to express their feelings, avoid vulnerability, and find deep emotional connections difficult to maintain.

“Our early attachment experiences shape the way we relate in adulthood, and when those patterns go unexamined, we can mistake anxiety, control, or intensity for love,” Bines explains.

“For example, someone with a controlling partner may interpret that behavior as care or protection, simply because they’ve never experienced love that didn’t come with conditions.”

“These kinds of internalized beliefs can be hard to identify because we’re often operating on autopilot, playing out old patterns without realizing it,” she adds.

Often, fear of being alone or the belief that “I won’t find anyone else” keeps people stuck in relationships that are no longer serving them. Staying feels safer than the uncertainty of starting over.

“Building a more secure attachment to ourselves—through understanding our patterns, challenging limiting beliefs, and learning what healthy love actually looks like—helps us feel confident in our ability to walk away when something doesn’t serve us. That inner security gives us the clarity and the courage to choose better,” says Bines.

Many people believe their attachment style is set in stone—that how they were raised will always dictate how they behave in relationships. But attachment isn’t fixed. It can evolve.

While early experiences lay the groundwork, the relationships and events we encounter later in life can gradually change those patterns. Some people grow more secure over time, while others may drift toward insecurity, depending on what they’ve been through.

Cheating is one experience that can leave a deep mark. Research confirms that it often takes a toll on self-esteem and makes it harder to trust in future relationships.

After being hurt, it’s only natural to wonder if it could happen all over again.

Still, Bines encourages people to rethink what trust really means.

“One of the hardest things to accept—but also one of the most freeing—is that we can never fully guarantee the behavior of others,” she says. “So if our ability to trust again depends on being promised that we’ll never be hurt, we’ll always struggle.”

Thoughts like “How can I trust again when it could all fall apart?” are valid—and scary—but, Bines says, they miss the point.

The real question is: What can I trust?

And the answer, she says, is: yourself. Your judgment, your resilience, and your ability to survive the pain.

I’ll be honest—when Bines said that, it completely reframed how I understood trust. I’d always believed it was something that lived between two people, built through mutual effort.

But as she explained, when you build a secure relationship with yourself, two important things start to happen.

“First, you start choosing partners for the right reasons—not to fill a void or calm your anxiety, but because they truly complement your values, needs, and emotional health.”

“Second, you build resilience. You stop fearing heartbreak as something that would destroy you, and start seeing it as something you could handle.”

“Painful, yes, but survivable,” says Bines. “This shift in mindset is where your power lies. Once you trust yourself to navigate whatever comes, the pressure to control the outcome disappears.”