We all have a good sense of what is acceptable in a romantic relationship. Yet, despite these parameters, many people still fall into the trap of ignoring the warning signs and ultimately tolerating a partner’s unhinged behaviors.
Overlooking these red flags often leads to a massive wave of regret, especially when it occurs after marriage. And as you will come to see in these stories, the outcomes are nothing short of heartbreaking.
We’ve collected these responses from a Reddit thread from a while back. If you relate in any way to any of them, we’d like to hear your insights in the comments below.
#1
I had an opposite experience. She showed GREEN flags after marriage.
Prior to marriage she was very meek with anyone other than me. Her parents were very strict so even as an adult she was too afraid to tell them we were even engaged. What they said went even though we were living together "as roommates." More than once she called their house to let them know she was going out as if she wasn't allowed to otherwise.
There were issues with a few friends that clashed with me (they were pretty toxic and I don't placate that type of behavior so I'm not always well received - doesn't bother me) and I saw her comforting people who were treating *her* poorly after we clashed over it more than once. She's a bleeding heart and couldn't stand to see people upset even when the upset was caused by their own misdeeds. I felt like she didn't *always* have my back, but I never thought it was something I needed, and I would always have hers.
She let people walk all over her while I'm the first person to put my foot down. In that aspect we were the most different.
Before marriage she also had a huge amount of medical issues and I was more than willing to accept a life of working to keep her alive, and supporting her as a stay at home wife when she got too sick.
***
Then we got married, and she changed.
I think she finally saw us as a package deal. While my girlfriend was meek and weak my *wife* became outspoken not only socially but politically. She started calling me out (something I *appreciate* greatly - I like learning about things I can work on), but would absolutely slay people who weren't treating *us* well. We ended a lot of friendships that weren't healthy and were stringing along because of her bleeding heart after the wedding. It was like she was a Phoenix rising from the ashes of bad friends.
She is still medically frail but I think she sees a future to fight for now. The fact that I make more than her isn't just a fact now, it's a challenge.
She wants to be the breadwinner so that I can quit my job and go back to my career in art (I did great but the market was so unpredictable I needed to leave my dream for stability).
She is still beautiful, caring, and gentle, but since being married that caring aspect includes caring for herself. She doesn't let anyone dictate her life (especially her parents) and because of that she has healthier relationships with everyone, including me.
That ring and those vows somehow told her she was worthy of self respect and self expression. I love her.
Prior to marriage she was very meek with anyone other than me. Her parents were very strict so even as an adult she was too afraid to tell them we were even engaged. What they said went even though we were living together "as roommates." More than once she called their house to let them know she was going out as if she wasn't allowed to otherwise.
There were issues with a few friends that clashed with me (they were pretty toxic and I don't placate that type of behavior so I'm not always well received - doesn't bother me) and I saw her comforting people who were treating *her* poorly after we clashed over it more than once. She's a bleeding heart and couldn't stand to see people upset even when the upset was caused by their own misdeeds. I felt like she didn't *always* have my back, but I never thought it was something I needed, and I would always have hers.
She let people walk all over her while I'm the first person to put my foot down. In that aspect we were the most different.
Before marriage she also had a huge amount of medical issues and I was more than willing to accept a life of working to keep her alive, and supporting her as a stay at home wife when she got too sick.
***
Then we got married, and she changed.
I think she finally saw us as a package deal. While my girlfriend was meek and weak my *wife* became outspoken not only socially but politically. She started calling me out (something I *appreciate* greatly - I like learning about things I can work on), but would absolutely slay people who weren't treating *us* well. We ended a lot of friendships that weren't healthy and were stringing along because of her bleeding heart after the wedding. It was like she was a Phoenix rising from the ashes of bad friends.
She is still medically frail but I think she sees a future to fight for now. The fact that I make more than her isn't just a fact now, it's a challenge.
She wants to be the breadwinner so that I can quit my job and go back to my career in art (I did great but the market was so unpredictable I needed to leave my dream for stability).
She is still beautiful, caring, and gentle, but since being married that caring aspect includes caring for herself. She doesn't let anyone dictate her life (especially her parents) and because of that she has healthier relationships with everyone, including me.
That ring and those vows somehow told her she was worthy of self respect and self expression. I love her.
65points
#2
We met when I was 16 and he was 25. We lived together a number of years before we got married.
We went together really well and I thought it was a good match, almost the day after we were married his family decided to set rules (he bought the house that we all lived in, it was large enough and we had the basement suite) we weren't allowed out after a certain time, his mother and father could berate me as much as they pleased.
He himself became very controlling, I wasn't allowed to finish school or work and he would use these to mock and guilt me after saying I was a burden and a leech, a gold-digger. They all decided for me that I would have his children and we would all stay in the house together, soon after I was taken off birth control I was no longer allowed out of the house without an escort, I wasn't allowed to see my mother more than once a week.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I was isolated and after my mom moved away I had no one to turn to. He gained a lot of weight and started to tell me how fat and unattractive I was, he started looking at a lot of escort ads for Asian women, he brought over 'friends for me' (16 year old girls) he met on myspace and then would drool over them.
I never had his baby, we were married when I was 19 and I was gone by 25. I ran away in the middle of the night. I never tried to get alimony or spousal support, I left all of my belongings behind. He still has made the process of divorce difficult and I am almost 31 now, it's finally going through. He still lives in the basement.
I had no idea what I was walking into and I lived with them all for years before the control started. It was unbelievable how fast they changed.
We went together really well and I thought it was a good match, almost the day after we were married his family decided to set rules (he bought the house that we all lived in, it was large enough and we had the basement suite) we weren't allowed out after a certain time, his mother and father could berate me as much as they pleased.
He himself became very controlling, I wasn't allowed to finish school or work and he would use these to mock and guilt me after saying I was a burden and a leech, a gold-digger. They all decided for me that I would have his children and we would all stay in the house together, soon after I was taken off birth control I was no longer allowed out of the house without an escort, I wasn't allowed to see my mother more than once a week.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I was isolated and after my mom moved away I had no one to turn to. He gained a lot of weight and started to tell me how fat and unattractive I was, he started looking at a lot of escort ads for Asian women, he brought over 'friends for me' (16 year old girls) he met on myspace and then would drool over them.
I never had his baby, we were married when I was 19 and I was gone by 25. I ran away in the middle of the night. I never tried to get alimony or spousal support, I left all of my belongings behind. He still has made the process of divorce difficult and I am almost 31 now, it's finally going through. He still lives in the basement.
I had no idea what I was walking into and I lived with them all for years before the control started. It was unbelievable how fast they changed.
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38points
#3
I loved him for who I thought he could be and not who he is.
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37points
#4
I doubt this will reach many people but it may help someone. I wasn't married but my now ex and I dated for six years.
I thought i would get past her being a mean person. She said that her past boyfriend had a large impact on her and that she was mean to people now because of it. She had a malicious mindset where if someone hurt her it was her job to hurt them back (which was me more often than not)
If someone has a PERSONALITY that you don't like -- get out. They won't change. Thats who they are. It will only get worse, and youll be miserable.
edit: I want to reinforce that they wont change. I'm serious, there's no maybe they will maybe they won't, that person will not change. Habits? you can work through those -- thats a lot to put on yourself to take that on but it can happen if they want to. But personality? No, that's going to be them until the day you die.
I thought i would get past her being a mean person. She said that her past boyfriend had a large impact on her and that she was mean to people now because of it. She had a malicious mindset where if someone hurt her it was her job to hurt them back (which was me more often than not)
If someone has a PERSONALITY that you don't like -- get out. They won't change. Thats who they are. It will only get worse, and youll be miserable.
edit: I want to reinforce that they wont change. I'm serious, there's no maybe they will maybe they won't, that person will not change. Habits? you can work through those -- thats a lot to put on yourself to take that on but it can happen if they want to. But personality? No, that's going to be them until the day you die.
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37points
#5
I guess it's really no one's fault. As a poor cook/chef and her moving from another country we got an apartment we could afford and didn't have a microwave, no big deal for me as I cooked a lot.
It wasn't until years later that we were married and moved into a very nice place that it happened. She had been up late and I woke up first thing in the morning. I went to the kitchen to start tea/coffee/breakfast and there it was, right in front of me. The microwave was sitting at 0:01 seconds because she never hit stop/clear. I married a monster.
It wasn't until years later that we were married and moved into a very nice place that it happened. She had been up late and I woke up first thing in the morning. I went to the kitchen to start tea/coffee/breakfast and there it was, right in front of me. The microwave was sitting at 0:01 seconds because she never hit stop/clear. I married a monster.
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36points
#6
This was the case with my parents: my mother didn't discover my father's mental problems until later. The why is that they got married way too fast, two months, and bipolar disorders have natural ups and downs. She had only seen the up.
Textbook example of why you shouldn't marry unless you've been with the person for a while.
Textbook example of why you shouldn't marry unless you've been with the person for a while.
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34points
#7
He yelled at; and insulted, his mother and sisters. He was extremely rude to anyone in the service industry, saying things like "No wonder you work at KFC, you're a moron!" Also the way he threw tantrums when he was upset, throwing things and punching holes in walls. He put down all my friends, eventually isolating me from everyone I knew.
He also had a wonderfully charismatic and caring side, helping little old ladies on to the bus, and walking through snow for several miles to find a store that sold my favourite candy, things like that.
As time passed, I became the wall that he punched, the thing that he threw around, and the one he insulted and screamed at. I barely made it out of that relationship alive.
I should have listened to my instincts.
He also had a wonderfully charismatic and caring side, helping little old ladies on to the bus, and walking through snow for several miles to find a store that sold my favourite candy, things like that.
As time passed, I became the wall that he punched, the thing that he threw around, and the one he insulted and screamed at. I barely made it out of that relationship alive.
I should have listened to my instincts.
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32points
#8
The pictures. We had to take a million pictures of us doing stuff, any stuff.
Everything was on social media with a picture, every post was "my marine..." Every conversation was about her being a Marine girlfriend, etc.
It was all for show, I was a trophy.
When we got married she quit going to school and quit her well paying job. When she'd meet people and they asked what she did she said she was a military wife, etc.
We divorced and she has a kid now and everything is about being a mom. She just changed situations as far as I can tell.
Everything was on social media with a picture, every post was "my marine..." Every conversation was about her being a Marine girlfriend, etc.
It was all for show, I was a trophy.
When we got married she quit going to school and quit her well paying job. When she'd meet people and they asked what she did she said she was a military wife, etc.
We divorced and she has a kid now and everything is about being a mom. She just changed situations as far as I can tell.
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30points
#9
Yeah, she was really worried about some of my female friends stealing me away from her. To the point of not allowing me to interact with them. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust her!"
Yeah, she cheated on me.
Yeah, she cheated on me.
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27points
#10
"When you look at someone through rose colored glasses all the red flags just look like... flags. ".
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27points
#11
She cheated to be with me.
No one ever listens, do they? People need to make their mistakes, it seems.
As it begins, so it ends. Always.
No one ever listens, do they? People need to make their mistakes, it seems.
As it begins, so it ends. Always.
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26points
#12
I think one of the early signs of trouble I missed was when my ex would cook only for himself. If I was home and he was making a sandwich or something he never offered me one. If I asked he would oblige but he never thought of me.
He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.
-Edit-
For clarity: the sandwich was an example. He didn't ask about coffee, pasta or staying out when we had plans. We had a really good 10 year relationship and I still like him as a person. He is just not a great partner. Everyone wants something different in their significant other. For me it was important that I was a consideration in his life.
It was just a symptom not the problem itself. It is just a red flag to make one consider their partners other actions. Too many similar red flags and it is worth considering if there is a real issue. For me there was a field of red flags. This is just any easy one to spot.
He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.
-Edit-
For clarity: the sandwich was an example. He didn't ask about coffee, pasta or staying out when we had plans. We had a really good 10 year relationship and I still like him as a person. He is just not a great partner. Everyone wants something different in their significant other. For me it was important that I was a consideration in his life.
It was just a symptom not the problem itself. It is just a red flag to make one consider their partners other actions. Too many similar red flags and it is worth considering if there is a real issue. For me there was a field of red flags. This is just any easy one to spot.
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23points
#13
It started when she got pregnant. We discussed abortion, but decided against it. So, she essentially had me on the hook and she knew it. Slapping, kicking you name it. Any time she was unhappy about *anything* it was blamed on me and retribution was usually physical. Of course she blamed it on being pregnant.
She would call police and say it was me abusing her. I was never arrested, but it was still a h**l of a hassle. Tip- don't talk to police. Ever.
Our son was born and it didn't stop, who knew? I'd almost argue it got worse. Finally one night she went too far. I made the grave mistake of making some food after our son was put to bed and scraped two plates together. She marched into the kitchen, punched me in the nose for being "too loud", then called the police when I refused to leave. Cops came and arrested her (after laughing at me). She got a slap on the wrist; 6 months court supervision and anger management.
She admitted that she had a problem and begged for one more chance. I believe in redemption if one really wants it, so I stayed. Things got better! For about a year.
Then I came home early from work once and she was home also even though she was supposed to be at work. She seemed very nervous and then I found men's deodorant and boxer briefs, both of which weren't mine. I confronted her, she was caught, and she tried to get physical, then thought better of it.
I left and only returned to get my stuff.
She would call police and say it was me abusing her. I was never arrested, but it was still a h**l of a hassle. Tip- don't talk to police. Ever.
Our son was born and it didn't stop, who knew? I'd almost argue it got worse. Finally one night she went too far. I made the grave mistake of making some food after our son was put to bed and scraped two plates together. She marched into the kitchen, punched me in the nose for being "too loud", then called the police when I refused to leave. Cops came and arrested her (after laughing at me). She got a slap on the wrist; 6 months court supervision and anger management.
She admitted that she had a problem and begged for one more chance. I believe in redemption if one really wants it, so I stayed. Things got better! For about a year.
Then I came home early from work once and she was home also even though she was supposed to be at work. She seemed very nervous and then I found men's deodorant and boxer briefs, both of which weren't mine. I confronted her, she was caught, and she tried to get physical, then thought better of it.
I left and only returned to get my stuff.
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22points
#14
Yes, I ignored some pretty big red flags and to this day I am not sure why I went ahead with the marriage. The first that I thought of was ignoring the fact that he was texting this one girl and lying about it. The texts didn't seem too crazy (at first) but he would still lie and say things like I wasn't texting her or i just had a question about work.
Then I also ignored when leading up to the wedding and him leaving for boot camp, he seemed to just not care anymore. He was already starting to get too big of a head because he had lost so much weight. Then on our wedding day he ignored me pretty much the entire reception. His excuse was I want to hang out with my friends because I am leaving for boot camp in three days. I should've just annulled the marriage right there, but I stuck around for another year and a half and it only got worse.
Found girls clothes in our room after visiting my family in our home state and then coming back to our appt. He would tell me my opinions didn't matter because I was nothing but a civilian. Ended after a year and a half of marriage. He still tells people I left him because he was deploying and I didn't want to wait for him. 6 years later and I am much happier than I was then.
Then I also ignored when leading up to the wedding and him leaving for boot camp, he seemed to just not care anymore. He was already starting to get too big of a head because he had lost so much weight. Then on our wedding day he ignored me pretty much the entire reception. His excuse was I want to hang out with my friends because I am leaving for boot camp in three days. I should've just annulled the marriage right there, but I stuck around for another year and a half and it only got worse.
Found girls clothes in our room after visiting my family in our home state and then coming back to our appt. He would tell me my opinions didn't matter because I was nothing but a civilian. Ended after a year and a half of marriage. He still tells people I left him because he was deploying and I didn't want to wait for him. 6 years later and I am much happier than I was then.
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19points
#15
I realized it was a possibility since I met her but I don't care because I love her.
She's extremely emotionally unstable and the recent passing of her brother spiraled her into a dark place. From there she was diagnosed with bipolar and now a lot of things from the past make sense. She is compliant with her meds and attends therapy. We are best friends so we communicate well. I love her very much and I'm here to support her no matter what even though she's an extremely different person now. I'm sure I'm different too, but hopefully in a way that is beneficial to her.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn that love cannot cure someone's depression, and I'm still learning how to cope with this huge change myself.
People who are married to someone living with mental illness and struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help! Sometimes your reality gets so skewed living with your partners illness everyday, you forget some things are not normal or typical behavior for people who do not have depression or that particular illness.
My fear was that her irrational behavior would become 'normal' for me and I wouldn't see the warning signs if she was starting to struggle again. My own therapy sessions keep me in check.
She's extremely emotionally unstable and the recent passing of her brother spiraled her into a dark place. From there she was diagnosed with bipolar and now a lot of things from the past make sense. She is compliant with her meds and attends therapy. We are best friends so we communicate well. I love her very much and I'm here to support her no matter what even though she's an extremely different person now. I'm sure I'm different too, but hopefully in a way that is beneficial to her.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn that love cannot cure someone's depression, and I'm still learning how to cope with this huge change myself.
People who are married to someone living with mental illness and struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help! Sometimes your reality gets so skewed living with your partners illness everyday, you forget some things are not normal or typical behavior for people who do not have depression or that particular illness.
My fear was that her irrational behavior would become 'normal' for me and I wouldn't see the warning signs if she was starting to struggle again. My own therapy sessions keep me in check.
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18points
#16
Im the kid of two fairly narcissistic people. The red flags ive learned to avoid from growing up in my house were.
-Blaming trivial things on each other.
-A need to physically attack or break something when angry.
-Attention seeking behavior. Seen my father throw himself down stairs or start chugging liquor just to get a reaction from my mom.
-Selfishness. Like going out for food and never asking or offering anything to anyone else.
-Hiding money, on the flip side needing to hide money because one person spends all of it leaving you h**h and dry come time to pay bills.
-Prioritizing ones happiness over everyone else's. For example planning every vacation around one person's likes and dislikes. This is a HUGE red flag IMO.
-Total inability to take responsibility for anything. Literally everything bad is someone else's fault.
-Inversely, taking credit for anything positive.
-Vindictive behavior. Cant count how many times ive seen my father break my mother's s**t because he knew it would hurt her.
-Saying things you don't mean with the specific intent of upsetting someone.
-Treating others like their only purpose is to entertain you.
I basically grew up in a red flag factory.
-Blaming trivial things on each other.
-A need to physically attack or break something when angry.
-Attention seeking behavior. Seen my father throw himself down stairs or start chugging liquor just to get a reaction from my mom.
-Selfishness. Like going out for food and never asking or offering anything to anyone else.
-Hiding money, on the flip side needing to hide money because one person spends all of it leaving you h**h and dry come time to pay bills.
-Prioritizing ones happiness over everyone else's. For example planning every vacation around one person's likes and dislikes. This is a HUGE red flag IMO.
-Total inability to take responsibility for anything. Literally everything bad is someone else's fault.
-Inversely, taking credit for anything positive.
-Vindictive behavior. Cant count how many times ive seen my father break my mother's s**t because he knew it would hurt her.
-Saying things you don't mean with the specific intent of upsetting someone.
-Treating others like their only purpose is to entertain you.
I basically grew up in a red flag factory.
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17points
#17
That feeling in your gut, like a silent tug that something isn't right, but you ignore it because you so desperately want someone to love you and be in love. Well, that feeling will eat away at you, until it becomes too big to ignore, and the only choice left is to see how things really are; not how you want them to be. Don't ignore your gut.
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16points
#18
Red flags are something you don't pay attention to until it's too late.
My ex husband had all the red flags of a sociopath. He would test to see how far he could go with making things up. And he learned what he could do to cover them up. He would use flowers or spend money on me to hide things he was doing. I learned what I was and wasn't allowed to say in public (example- none of his friends knew he had a 12 year old child). I spent little time with friends and family because he would convince me that they weren't supportive or make up things that I would believe because I trusted him. I left my career because he convinced me his pursuit was more important. Lots of things happened over the 10 years we were together. Most of them now I know were just lies to get him to where he wanted to be in life.
In the end, he had a 6 month affair. And the flags were all there. But after years of being manipulated I didn't know what to believe. He managed to date her and then move to be with her on my dime by convincing me it had to do with his job. I even paid his rent for the first couple of months in hope he would come back. He manipulated everyone around him including his friends and even his boss. Now he is a person I don't even recognize because he's taken on the personality of his girlfriend. I feel bad for her because the same thing is happening to her but in a way I feel like she deserves it.
If you're looking for an outline of what to look for I would say:
1- have you given up something you love for that person?
2- do gifts tend to arrive after something you weren't quite sure was the truth?
3- do you feel like you're begging the person to stay with you all the time?
4- do you find yourself above and beyond to please someone just for their affection?
Relationships should be relatively easy. Sure there will be fights and times where you aren't sure. But if you're giving up your values or your personality it's time to go.
My ex husband had all the red flags of a sociopath. He would test to see how far he could go with making things up. And he learned what he could do to cover them up. He would use flowers or spend money on me to hide things he was doing. I learned what I was and wasn't allowed to say in public (example- none of his friends knew he had a 12 year old child). I spent little time with friends and family because he would convince me that they weren't supportive or make up things that I would believe because I trusted him. I left my career because he convinced me his pursuit was more important. Lots of things happened over the 10 years we were together. Most of them now I know were just lies to get him to where he wanted to be in life.
In the end, he had a 6 month affair. And the flags were all there. But after years of being manipulated I didn't know what to believe. He managed to date her and then move to be with her on my dime by convincing me it had to do with his job. I even paid his rent for the first couple of months in hope he would come back. He manipulated everyone around him including his friends and even his boss. Now he is a person I don't even recognize because he's taken on the personality of his girlfriend. I feel bad for her because the same thing is happening to her but in a way I feel like she deserves it.
If you're looking for an outline of what to look for I would say:
1- have you given up something you love for that person?
2- do gifts tend to arrive after something you weren't quite sure was the truth?
3- do you feel like you're begging the person to stay with you all the time?
4- do you find yourself above and beyond to please someone just for their affection?
Relationships should be relatively easy. Sure there will be fights and times where you aren't sure. But if you're giving up your values or your personality it's time to go.
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14points
#19
Tl;Dr After 7 years of brain cancer remission, my husband's cancer came back with a vengeance. He had 5 more surgeries and after each one the side effects worsened, one of which is brain injury. He is now an entirely different man, but we are working on getting to know each other again. /end of tl;dr
We had been together for 7 years and living together ever since his first round of surgeries before his cancer came back. After the first resection surgery he recovered remarkably fast and had zero side effects. After recovering he even got a BS degree in Civil Engineering and was working towards his professional engineering license. I was in school on track for a PhD in a STEM field. Fast forward 6 years, and an annual MRI showed that the cancer was back and my husband needed it to be removed ASAP. We scheduled the surgery to happen 2 months after we found out it had come back.
The next 19 months were pure chaos. The only recourse for this kind of cancer was through surgical resection due to its location on the brain stem. In a short 19 month time frame (in no particular order), my husband had 4 resection surgeries, 1 emergency surgery that arose from a complication from one of the resections, and 30 treatments of IMRT radiation. The radiation happened between resections 2 and 3. It was h**l for him. It didn't help stop the cancer from growing, and my husband had two more resections and an emergency surgery after the radiation was complete.
During this time I got pregnant and had a baby boy. Trying for a baby was a contingency plan if the cancer ever came back. We wanted kids but we wanted to wait until we were graduated and settled into our careers, but if my husband needed more surgery we agreed to try for a baby before surgery. We had one month to try and were totally surprised when we conceived. Our son gave my husband the strength to fight this cancer and the motivation to focus on his recovery.
After each surgery the side effects got worse. Remember I said he had zero side effects when the cancer was first diagnosed and resected. Now that he was in his 30s rather than his 20s, his recovery time was a lot slower. Between those 5 surgeries and 30 treatments of radiation, I had to help my husband relearn how to walk and talk again (with inpatient and outpatient help, of course). As a matter of fact, our son and him learned to walk at the same time. It was a emotionally happy and proud time for us all!
The last two resection surgeries left him with a side effect called an acquired brain injury. He also has severe visual disabilities due to the surgeon disrupting the 3rd and 4th cranial nerves in an aggressive attempt to get all of the cancer out. My husband can no long look up or down nor open his eyes. He must use his forehead muscles to be able to open his eyelids slightly. His pupils are different size dilations, and this damage is permanent.
The visual disabilities were a cakewalk as compared to the brain injury. The brain injury transformed my type A, empathetic, highly trained engineer of a husband into an angry child with absolutely no empathy and A LOT of anger. It's been almost 2 years since he was formally diagnosed with a moderate brain injury. He is an entirely different person now. He has different interests, different tastes in clothes, food, etc, and requires so much sleep because of the damage to his brain. He didn't ask for this to happen; he just wanted to survive the cancer so he could be there for his son.
As of today he's made a lot of progress. He can function independently at home and is the caretaker of our 2.5 year old son while I work to support us. Our roles have changed 180 degrees, and he still struggles with empathy. He is now permanently disabled due to his visual and cognitive disabilities from his brain injury.
Most days are difficult because I'm still grieving the husband I once had. However just because it is difficult doesn't mean I'm giving up on him. We go to counseling (individual and marriage) and brain injury support groups. We attend a local church, which saved my sanity. I have single handedly built a support network that is made of my husband's medical doctors, our friends, our church family, and the few DNA family members and friends who have stuck around through this life change.
The sad part is that my husband's entire family (brothers, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) have ostracized us from the family. They have chosen to avoid and deny the situation because it's too difficult for them. That hurt a lot because my husband and I were very close to his DNA family for many years before the brain cancer came back. I am estranged from my family and have been for years and his family knew that. So I was left alone to handle my husband's rehabilitation and long term recovery. It was the hardest and darkest time of my life. I'm happy to say that our family of choice is better than what we had in our DNA family.
I love my husband and I will always be there for him. I take my wedding vows seriously. He needs love and support, not avoidance and denial. He's made a lot of progress in the past couple of years. I'm proud of him! Most days are hard but some days are good. I'm still getting to know this new husband of mine. We take life one day at a time and things are finally looking up for us.
There's a lot more to this situation, but I've already written a book! Hope someone will read this and be encouraged.
ETA: During the time my husband was having all of these surgeries, radiation, and subsequent recovery, I never gave up working on my PhD. I graduated and got an excellent job right away in my field. It has great pay, excellent benefits, and the perfect schedule for my little family. I get a 3 day weekend every other weekend! Despite all the chaos and struggling, I knew I couldn't give up on my degree. I knew that my husband and son depended on me to support them, so I had no choice. It was so hard. I can't express in words how hard it was. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. Brain injury changed our lives indefinitely.
We had been together for 7 years and living together ever since his first round of surgeries before his cancer came back. After the first resection surgery he recovered remarkably fast and had zero side effects. After recovering he even got a BS degree in Civil Engineering and was working towards his professional engineering license. I was in school on track for a PhD in a STEM field. Fast forward 6 years, and an annual MRI showed that the cancer was back and my husband needed it to be removed ASAP. We scheduled the surgery to happen 2 months after we found out it had come back.
The next 19 months were pure chaos. The only recourse for this kind of cancer was through surgical resection due to its location on the brain stem. In a short 19 month time frame (in no particular order), my husband had 4 resection surgeries, 1 emergency surgery that arose from a complication from one of the resections, and 30 treatments of IMRT radiation. The radiation happened between resections 2 and 3. It was h**l for him. It didn't help stop the cancer from growing, and my husband had two more resections and an emergency surgery after the radiation was complete.
During this time I got pregnant and had a baby boy. Trying for a baby was a contingency plan if the cancer ever came back. We wanted kids but we wanted to wait until we were graduated and settled into our careers, but if my husband needed more surgery we agreed to try for a baby before surgery. We had one month to try and were totally surprised when we conceived. Our son gave my husband the strength to fight this cancer and the motivation to focus on his recovery.
After each surgery the side effects got worse. Remember I said he had zero side effects when the cancer was first diagnosed and resected. Now that he was in his 30s rather than his 20s, his recovery time was a lot slower. Between those 5 surgeries and 30 treatments of radiation, I had to help my husband relearn how to walk and talk again (with inpatient and outpatient help, of course). As a matter of fact, our son and him learned to walk at the same time. It was a emotionally happy and proud time for us all!
The last two resection surgeries left him with a side effect called an acquired brain injury. He also has severe visual disabilities due to the surgeon disrupting the 3rd and 4th cranial nerves in an aggressive attempt to get all of the cancer out. My husband can no long look up or down nor open his eyes. He must use his forehead muscles to be able to open his eyelids slightly. His pupils are different size dilations, and this damage is permanent.
The visual disabilities were a cakewalk as compared to the brain injury. The brain injury transformed my type A, empathetic, highly trained engineer of a husband into an angry child with absolutely no empathy and A LOT of anger. It's been almost 2 years since he was formally diagnosed with a moderate brain injury. He is an entirely different person now. He has different interests, different tastes in clothes, food, etc, and requires so much sleep because of the damage to his brain. He didn't ask for this to happen; he just wanted to survive the cancer so he could be there for his son.
As of today he's made a lot of progress. He can function independently at home and is the caretaker of our 2.5 year old son while I work to support us. Our roles have changed 180 degrees, and he still struggles with empathy. He is now permanently disabled due to his visual and cognitive disabilities from his brain injury.
Most days are difficult because I'm still grieving the husband I once had. However just because it is difficult doesn't mean I'm giving up on him. We go to counseling (individual and marriage) and brain injury support groups. We attend a local church, which saved my sanity. I have single handedly built a support network that is made of my husband's medical doctors, our friends, our church family, and the few DNA family members and friends who have stuck around through this life change.
The sad part is that my husband's entire family (brothers, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) have ostracized us from the family. They have chosen to avoid and deny the situation because it's too difficult for them. That hurt a lot because my husband and I were very close to his DNA family for many years before the brain cancer came back. I am estranged from my family and have been for years and his family knew that. So I was left alone to handle my husband's rehabilitation and long term recovery. It was the hardest and darkest time of my life. I'm happy to say that our family of choice is better than what we had in our DNA family.
I love my husband and I will always be there for him. I take my wedding vows seriously. He needs love and support, not avoidance and denial. He's made a lot of progress in the past couple of years. I'm proud of him! Most days are hard but some days are good. I'm still getting to know this new husband of mine. We take life one day at a time and things are finally looking up for us.
There's a lot more to this situation, but I've already written a book! Hope someone will read this and be encouraged.
ETA: During the time my husband was having all of these surgeries, radiation, and subsequent recovery, I never gave up working on my PhD. I graduated and got an excellent job right away in my field. It has great pay, excellent benefits, and the perfect schedule for my little family. I get a 3 day weekend every other weekend! Despite all the chaos and struggling, I knew I couldn't give up on my degree. I knew that my husband and son depended on me to support them, so I had no choice. It was so hard. I can't express in words how hard it was. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. Brain injury changed our lives indefinitely.
13points
#20
My ex, when we first started going out, would have a little too much to drink every few months. She would say each time, as I was holding her over the toilet, "Never again."
Well about 10 years later it was still happening. She ended up meeting some girlfriends that were all of the same well-lubricated frame of mind. Things got very messy after that and I felt that I was no longer an equal partner, but a babysitter. When that happens, there really is no way of coming back.
Well about 10 years later it was still happening. She ended up meeting some girlfriends that were all of the same well-lubricated frame of mind. Things got very messy after that and I felt that I was no longer an equal partner, but a babysitter. When that happens, there really is no way of coming back.
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13points