People Share 30 Of The Most Refined Versions Of “Screw You” They’ve Heard In The Workplace

I used to have a coworker who was a know it all who could actually back it up. We had a memory leak (for non programmers: a very big issue) and he found it and was making the fix.
He sayd something in the lines of "the leak is in line 247" and our boss goes nuts, spends an hour ranting about how he wrote that code himself and there was no way the leak was there,
and how dumb he was to think it was there.

Coworker let's him talk for an hour, then with the best poker face says "that's great but the leak is in line 247." Then demonstrates it in a minute.

Once heard a coworker bust out in a monotone voice, "Ma'am, I need you to know that I am not emotionally invested in this conversation. What do you need so we can both go on with our lives?" Really had to stifle my laughter in my cube next to her.

“May the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are”

old coworker of mine was telling me he used to drive a forklift and had an a*****e boss. Came back from lunch 2 minutes late and the manager said " Your fired, move you last load on the forklift and leave"
Coworker: "Ok" and gets back in the forklift and dumps the load right onto the floor and spills everywhere

Manger: WHAT THE HELL!!! PICK THIS SH*T UP!!!

Coworker: You pick it up, I dont work here anymore

Working at a call center taking orders from magazines. Customer's credit card keeps getting declined, tells me you can stick the damn card up your a*s!" I reply "I'm sorry sir but you're the only authorized user on the card."

During a meeting a (British) manager made a comment about a TV show from the 1990s.

New employee - who loves to emphasize he is young and others are old - says “That show was on before I was born.”

Manager: “You should check it out. Things were good before you were born.”

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

When I quit my last job, I wrote a kindly email to all my colleagues thanking them for their guidance and relationship, explaining how I enjoyed my time there. Around 60 people were on the email.

I did not put my abusive sociopath manager or enabling coldhearted director on the email. They found out, and I'm sure others noticed.

After nothing more than a cold response to my first quitting email to my group, all the sudden my director wanted to make amends to save face now that I sent the wider email.

She asked me why I didnt add her on the email about enjoying working with people and liking my time there. I responded "Because that wouldn't be honest."

Bridges burned there, but man those two ruined my life for a while.

"Thank you for your input. Does anyone have something valuable to add?"

I had the sweetest old lady as a co-worker. She had been in the company for like 20 years. She knew more about our systems than most of our IT staff. One day, a senior manager in the IT department comes in and tries to tell her that her code was wrong. She put her hand on her chest, shook her head, said "Bless your heart darlin'" and turned around in her chair to continue working.

Our boss laughed so hard and calmly explained to the IT manager why the code should probably not be changed.

My family works in the textile industry.

Once, my dad worked at a company that had a vendor that made buttons for various types of clothes. They had not paid this vendor yet, but my Dads boss was still pressuring him to pressure the vendor to get something done (I don’t recall the specifics).

Well, the button vendor had taken enough s**t, so he made a a custom run of buttons and sent them back a shirt in which every button had “f**k you, pay me” custom engraved into it.

Professional etiquette? No, definitely not. Professional f**k you? Most definitely.

During an exit interview...
"Ya, I had a great 3 years here."
"But, you worked here for 5 years..."

‘To save any further confusion on your part...’ had a brutal ring to it when I spotted that in an email chain!

I worked for a s****y manager who trashed my work in a performance review. It was an absurd critique that I contested with upper management. In the body of my response, I used my manager’s initials rather than his full name. His initials were MF.

"If that is your understanding of the current agreement, we need to revisit the language so that your expectation levels can be set more appropriately."

I was told during grad school that this is the meaning of "duly noted". It implies that you heard the person, will remember it, but not do a goddamn thing about it.

My dad is the finance manager at a car dealership and he once told me: " Bonsai, it's not what you say, but how you say it."

To illustrate his point, he popped his head out of his office, smiled his biggest, happiest smile, and said "Hey...F**K YOU!" to the 1st employee he saw. The employee turned, saw my dads face and, sure as s**t, smiled back and said "f**k YOU too!" and kept walking.

I once worked on a software project for VISA file processing on project. The API that I used in the project we tried to make had a memory leak that was practically impossible to handle and would crash the service a few days later when the server ran out of memory.

Early on I made an alternative solution. Was rejected. Junior me was practically ignored. Needle in a haystack work resumed. Delays happened. Senior consultant suggests and employs a solution identical to my recommendation on the cusp of the deadline. Email chain floated around. I put in my part with a small timeline of events and links to related email chains. Specifically I wanted my boss (I was a contractor) to know and see my position.

One of the bank's employees CC'd the whole chain to the higher-ups later on. My email was found and dissected. Said bosses found the source of the "he-said-she-said-b******t". It was clear they simply ignored me and were covering their asses in the blame game. Many people "resigned".

"We don't need two weeks notice, you can leave this morning."

In a monthly team meeting of about 45 people a woman stood up and announced "I respectfully disagree with everything you just said". It was amazing. We still use it around the workplace as a joke.