Funny,JokesOCT 5, 2022

149 Police Jokes That Might Arrest You With Laughter

Eligijus Sinkunas and Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė

Remember the movie Police Academy? If yes, you can just skip right to our selection of police jokes because you already know what to expect from them! If not, keep on reading, and we’ll tell you all about it.

First off, these cop jokes aren’t a sort of mockery - this has been done many times before, and we’re not willing to continue with the tradition. Instead, these police officer jokes are mainly based on situational comedy because, let’s admit it - being a law enforcement professional gets you into predicaments unmatched by any other occupation. And this will be the basis of our funny jokes about police. Well, okay, maybe a couple of police dad jokes about doughnuts, but that’s it, you have our promise. Next to these sorts of funny cop jokes, there are also jokes for police officers - something they might find relatable or painfully true.

So, our selection of police officer jokes begins with just a scroll down below - you should definitely check them out. Once you’re done reading, be sure to give the best jokes your vote! And after that, you might want to share these cop jokes with your friends, too.

#1

149 Police Jokes That Might Arrest You With Laughter

"A police officer pulled me over and said, "Papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off. He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes."

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18points

#2

My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

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17points

#3

What does a police officer and a DJ have in common?

They both tell drunk people to put their hands up.

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17points

How To Talk Like A Police Person—Most Commonly Used Police Phrases

Always wanted to speak the language of law enforcement without actually becoming a police person? It’s no funny police joke to do so! However, you’re very much in luck, for we have rounded up some of the most commonly used police sayings and have deciphered them for you. Here they are:

“The bag” or “back in the bag.” While it might sound a bit ominous, the bag simply refers to the police officer’s uniform. Back in the bag here means that an officer is back to working in their uniform after spending some time working in civil attire.

“Light up.” Nope, this one isn’t about cheering up but rather about lighting up the emergency lights in order to stop someone.

FIDO. FIDO refers to an unusual situation that might require quite a bit of additional paperwork. If the officers decide not to investigate it any further, they just FIDO or F*** It, Drive On.

“Buzzer.” Buzzer is in reference to the police badge, and flashing it is, respectively, buzzing.

“Cherry patch.” A cherry patch might be a section of any road where drivers often violate street signs or speed. Since there will always be a huge number of tickets to write in such a place, it’s called a cherry patch.

Feeling a bit like an insider now? Good! But you know what’s better? The cop jokes we still have in store for you on this list.

#4

Police Officer: "I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait I can explain everything."

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16points

#5

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

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15points

#6

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “You were bored and wanted some company?”

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15points

Most Commonly Used Slang Words To Describe Police

Let’s reverse the tables here or “turntables,” as one ingenious character from The Office once said, and look at the most often used slang words to describe law enforcement and police officers. Ready or not, here comes the most often-used police-related lingo:

Five-O. This is an American slang term for police, which is derived from the TV series Hawaii Five-O, which ran from 1968 to 1980. Although it’s a made-up term, it definitely stuck!

As for funny names to call police officers and police puns, the choices are really incredible here. We have alphabet, barney, beatsman (this one’s pretty archaic, though), bizzie, bluecoat, blue heeler, po-po, old bill, officer friendly… Really, there aren’t names by which police officers have not been called already! However, we’re happy to learn most of them are pretty happy names and not something derogatory.

And now that you know both the police lingo and the most common slang names for police, it might be the time to continue checking out our extreme funny police humor bits. Chances are, they’ll ring differently when you have the knowledge and when next time someone asks you to tell me a joke about police officers, you’ll definitely know all the best ones.

#7

Police Officer: "You're driving on the wrong side of the road."

Driver: "Sorry, I'm English."

Police officer: (shouting) "Oii! It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?"

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13points

#8

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.

He approaches her and asks, “Are you OK?”

The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”

The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”

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13points

#9

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The officer is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

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12points

#10

"So a police officer knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'Sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.' I replied, 'Sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'"

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12points

#11

Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend?

He stole her heart.

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12points

#12

Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s 'Hi, how are you?'”

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12points

#13

Tourist: “Are you a policeman?”

Officer: “No, I am an undercover detective.”

Tourist: “So, why are you in uniform?”

Officer: “Today is my day off.”

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12points

#14

There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

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12points

#15

Police officer to perp: “Where do you live?”

Perp: “With my parents.”

Police officer: “Where do your parents live?”

Perp: “With me.”

Police officer: “Where do you all live?”

Perp: “Together.”

Police officer: “Where is your house?”

Perp: “Next to my neighbor’s house.”

Police officer: “Where is your neighbor’s house.”

Perp: “If I tell you, would you believe me?”

Police officer: “Tell me.”

Perp: “Next to my house.”

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12points

#16

What sound does a Nintendo police car make?

Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U.

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12points

#17

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

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12points

#18

Man got pulled over and his vape was in his cup holder.

The officer said: "You know, the news says those things are killing people."

Man chuckled and said: "They're saying the same thing about you guys."

"He didn't laugh."

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11points

#19

Police officer: "So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane."

Me: "You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk."

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11points

#20

A police officer is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees. He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "Pull over!" The granny shouts back, "No, it's a scarf"

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11points