We put a lot of trust into our partner’s hands upon entering a relationship, expecting them to nurture and grow it. However, over time, built-up anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, neglect, and many other circumstances push people to breach it, resulting in affairs that may be fleeting or stick around secretly for the entirety of a relationship.
A woman recently shared that her discrete romance with her best friend’s husband has been going on for 19 years. She announced such news live on SiriusXM's It's Me, Tinx podcast as she was getting tired of always being second on his list of priorities. As the conversation progressed, the women revealed more and more shocking facts about the situation that left the podcast host gasping for air.
Scroll down to find the full woman’s confession and a conversation with licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Grounded Connections Counseling, Dr. Melanie Gonzalez, and infidelity coach and host of the "Your Secret is Safe with Me" podcast, Marie Murphy, who kindly agreed to tell us more about affairs.
This woman recently confessed live on radio that her affair with her best friend's husband lasted 19 years and is still going strong
Image credits: Katerina Holmes/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Caller: I've been in a relationship with a married man for about 19 years. We have a 17-year-old daughter. We just sent her to college.
Trix: Okay, okay, great.
Image credits: Tinx
Caller: I love him, and I believe 100% that he is in love with me.
Trix: Okay, great.
Caller: We have great sex, we finish sentences. We know the B sides of records that nobody knows. Okay, so all of that is wonderful, but he's married.
Trix: Oh, not to you?
Image credits: Tinx
Caller: Not to me, and I know that that is not technically okay. Now, let me back it up and give you just a hair more. Yeah, I was her best friend for a while, so I'm a horrible person in some ways, but she didn't help the situation. So I know a lot about that house, you know what I mean, and how it operates.
Image credits: Tinx
Trix: Does she know about the affair? Does she know about it? I mean, she must, right?
Caller: She knows now. She knows about our child and all that, and the one thing that she doesn't want to do is give him up to me.
Trix: She's gonna hold on to him, kind of out of spite?
Caller: Yep. 100%. I mean, we've talked about it, and again, every once in a while, we inch towards he's going to do the right thing, but the right thing still hasn't been done. And now that my daughter has grown and out of the house, I kind of feel like whatever, you know? She's grown so I'm not trying to shield her from my bad choices so much, because she just thinks dad doesn't live with us, right? That's how she was raised. But at the same time, I was raised not to necessarily do this. Do you know what I mean? So I still have such conflict, and it's just not right. I mean, in my life, you know what I mean? I don't know. What do I do?
Image credits: Tinx
Trix: Listen. I try not to judge. And I think what I wonder, is if this is actually good for you anymore. Let's take out of it the question of the affair, your friend. Look, it seems like it's been going on a really long time, and the history runs deep, and you know, that's between you and this guy and your friend. But for me, I think like now that your daughter is out of the house, you have a choice. Do you want to continue only having half of this man and never feeling like you're being put first? I think you deserve to feel like you are first in someone's life.
And I think that with your daughter leaving the house, it's a nice opportunity to start a new chapter for you. And I want to point something else out. When you were explaining it to me, you were saying, 'Oh, well, you know, we discussed it. Is he going to do this? Is he going to do that?' You're putting the power in this man's hands, okay? And I get that you're in love with him. I get he's, you know, your daughter's father. I completely understand. But at the end of the day, it's your life. It's your story. And I just wonder if you need to take back the power and say, 'Look, I'm always going to love you. We have a kid together. We have very long history, but I need to be someone's number one. I need to be first.'
And that's kind of my advice to you.
Caller: You know that resonates so strongly, because our biggest arguments and the few breakups that we've had have been exactly over that. Because I'll be damned, you've got 900 kids (he doesn't have 900 but he's got other kids too). You've got kids, and as soon as something comes up with them, I'm pushed down, and I'm sick of being seven and eight. [Screw you]!
Trix: You've got to be number one. You got to be number one for yourself, and then allow a new man to come into your life and put you at number one and treat you like the number one spot like you deserve. You deserve that. You raised a daughter, you know, let this be a new chapter in your life. I know it'll be hard, but I actually think you will love being put first. And I think you got to put yourself first so the universe can bring you a man who puts you first.
Caller: I love that. I am gonna try.
Watch the full woman's confession to a 19-year-old affair here:
[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FQoqztPeBU[/embed]
Infidelity often lasts between 6 months and a year
Image credits: Katerina Holmes/Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s rare for an affair to last a year, let alone nineteen. According to a licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Grounded Connections Counseling, Dr. Melanie Gonzalez, infidelity often lasts between 6 months and a year. “In heterosexual couples, one of the highest times for an affair is when a woman is pregnant,” she says to Bored Panda.
From her coaching practice, infidelity coach Marie Murphy sees affairs lasting anywhere from a few weeks to more to more than a decade. Meanwhile, data shows that long-term cheating can continue for about 15 months or more, and about 30% of secret romances survive around two years and beyond. In some cases, it can go on for a lifetime.
The reason why most affairs don’t withstand the test of time is that while the newness of a relationship can be exhilarating and fun, it eventually wears off. The period in which a couple feels in love usually lasts from 6 to 18 months in an affair.
Dr. Gonzalez adds, “Most of the time affairs end because the person is caught or the person they are having the affair with is caught (if they were in a relationship also).”
Even when the affair endures the estimated survival period, the people involved in it can have trust issues of their own, as their relationship started and was essentially based on lies and secrets. At its core, cheating is mostly about running away from one’s problems. The baggage of unsolved issues is often transferred to the new relationship, which after a while makes the person run away again.
However, those affairs that do last a long time often succeed because both people are no longer happy in their current relationships. “Some may last many years because they continue to get needs met that they may not be getting in their primary relationship and do not want to lose that,” says Dr. Gonzalez.
If their husband or wife doesn’t prioritize them, value them, or frequently causes arguments and fights, being with someone else is very enticing. The individuals might start seeking out emotional or physical fulfillment outside the marriage if they aren’t getting it from their primary partners. The emotional and physical connection that they find in others can be a solid foundation for a long-term affair.
Over time, the affair partners may really fall in love. The individuals might start feeling more strongly connected to the person they’re cheating with than their spouse. This is one of the main reasons why secret romances last a year or longer.
"Some people decide that they are okay with engaging in long-term infidelity, and they love their affair partner very much - and they want to maintain that relationship for as long as they can. When both members of an affair couple are committed to keeping the affair relationship going, it can last forever—or for a very long time," explains Murphy.
Even though a person may no longer have feelings for their primary significant other, they might be unable to leave the relationship
Image credits: RDNE Stock project/Pexels (not the actual photo)
So, why not go through a divorce? You may ask. Even though a person may no longer have feelings for their primary significant other, they might be unable to leave the relationship, continuing the long-term affair while being married.
"A lot of people find the idea of getting divorced really scary," says Murphy. "A lot of folks are afraid of hurting their spouse's feelings, afraid of other people's judgment, afraid of the hassle of getting divorced, and afraid of the uncertainty that comes with making a major life change. Some people find ways of working through these kinds of fears (and this is something I help my clients with), but some people become paralyzed by fear and choose to stay married—even though they would really like to pursue a life with their affair partner."
Just like Muprhy mentioned, many people are affected by societal pressure and remain in the marriage to avoid scrutinizing looks. Others may be financially or emotionally dependent on their spouse. Calling everything off could mean that they’ll lose their financial stability, so they don’t leave and hide their extramarital activities.
“The person who has the affair is not always seeking to end a relationship when they have an affair, they usually have it to fill a need they have at that time, whether it be emotional or physical. If their primary partner starts to fulfill that, they usually try to work that out and repair it because they feel they have invested a lot into the relationship they have established with their primary partner. Also, if children are involved, they are more likely to stay,” adds Dr. Gonzalez.
That said, cheating is never justifiable. In the long term, affairs can result in emotional trauma and shattered relationships and require extensive healing and therapy in order to move from it. Even though ending a secret romance can be complex and emotionally challenging, seeking support from trusted people may help the cheating side to own up to it and do the right thing.
“Even though an affair may have caused a divorce, it is unlikely that person will go back to the one they had the original affair with. It can happen, and they can marry that person, but that is not as common as most people think. Most of the time, the person who an affair is with is just serving as a temporary solution to a deeper internal or relational struggle,” concludes Dr. Gonzalez.
Commenters were calling the woman delusional
