Ahoy mateys! There’s nothing like a good pirate joke to make you laugh. From snappy one-liners to full-blown sea tales, these buccaneer gags have been cracking people up for generations.
Maybe it’s the salty wordplay, the swagger of the high seas, or just the fact that pirates are the perfect fall guys for a killer punchline.
Whatever it is, we’ve sailed the web and dug deep into comedy’s treasure chest to unearth 37 of the funniest, freshest, and most seaworthy jokes around. From quick zingers to longer barroom yarns, we’ve scoured every corner to find comedic gold.
#1
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really….”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “Well, it was my first day with the hook.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really….”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “Well, it was my first day with the hook.”
Unknown
Report15points
#2
Why don’t pirates like travelling on mountain roads?
S’curvy
S’curvy
Unknown
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#3
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.
The captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as eve, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”
The captain replied: “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!”
The captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as eve, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”
The captain replied: “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!”
Unknown
Report12points
#4
Where did the pirate purchase his hook?
At the 2nd-hand store
At the 2nd-hand store
Unknown
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#5
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
The R?
Ahhh, you would think, but it be the C lad!
The R?
Ahhh, you would think, but it be the C lad!
Unknown
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#6
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!
Unknown
Report8points
#7
Why couldn’t the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie?
It was rated ARRRR
It was rated ARRRR
Unknown
Report7points
#8
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ya left him
Right where ya left him
Unknown
Report7points
#9
There once was an old pirate captain who had a son who had no ears.
One day, the pirate captain picked up some new crew members.
As the new recruits got on board, the captain told them about his son
and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears.
If they offended his son by talking about his ears, they would have to walk the plank!
These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy.
Well, after a short time, the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain’s boy.
The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn’t handle it and kept staring.
The boy yelled, “What are you looking at!?” Hurried to think of an excuse,
the pirate said, “I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand,
or you will have to wear a hook like me.” "Thank you for the advice”, said the boy.
Soon, a second new pirate encountered the boy.
When he kept staring at him, the boy said, “What are you looking at!?”
“I was just admiring your leg,” said the pirate. “You take care of your leg,
or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!” "Thank you for the advice,” said the boy.
Later, the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared.
When the boy said, “What are you looking at!?” the pirate said, “I was just admiring your eyes.
You take care of your eyes, laddie boy, or you will have to wear glasses like me...
and you can’t wear glasses, cuz you don’t have any ears to hold 'em up with.....”
One day, the pirate captain picked up some new crew members.
As the new recruits got on board, the captain told them about his son
and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears.
If they offended his son by talking about his ears, they would have to walk the plank!
These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy.
Well, after a short time, the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain’s boy.
The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn’t handle it and kept staring.
The boy yelled, “What are you looking at!?” Hurried to think of an excuse,
the pirate said, “I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand,
or you will have to wear a hook like me.” "Thank you for the advice”, said the boy.
Soon, a second new pirate encountered the boy.
When he kept staring at him, the boy said, “What are you looking at!?”
“I was just admiring your leg,” said the pirate. “You take care of your leg,
or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!” "Thank you for the advice,” said the boy.
Later, the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared.
When the boy said, “What are you looking at!?” the pirate said, “I was just admiring your eyes.
You take care of your eyes, laddie boy, or you will have to wear glasses like me...
and you can’t wear glasses, cuz you don’t have any ears to hold 'em up with.....”
Unknown
Report6points
#10
What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie
A rookie
Unknown
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#11
Last Halloween, one of the trick-or-treaters who came to my door was all dressed up in the three-pointed hat, a patch over one eye, and a fake sword stuck in his belt.
So I ask him: “What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a pirate,” he replied in his best 6-year-old version of a snarl.
“Well then, where are your Bucaneers?” I asked.
He shoots back, “they’re under my buckin’ ha.t”
So I ask him: “What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a pirate,” he replied in his best 6-year-old version of a snarl.
“Well then, where are your Bucaneers?” I asked.
He shoots back, “they’re under my buckin’ ha.t”
Unknown
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#12
Why is being a pirate so addictive?
Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
Unknown
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#13
Did you hear that only 96.86% of people at sea are sailors?
The rest are pi-rates.
The rest are pi-rates.
Unknown
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#14
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey, years old!”
“Aye, matey, years old!”
Unknown
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#15
What do pirates do when their ship gets sick?
Bring it to the dock.
Bring it to the dock.
Unknown
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#16
Why are pirates good at singing?
Because they can hit the high seas!
Because they can hit the high seas!
Unknown
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#17
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
AAARRRGHentina.
AAARRRGHentina.
Unknown
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#18
A thirsty pirate runs from his ship to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”
The bartender pours out the shots, and the pirate drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The pirate replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”
The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
“Fifty cents!” replied the pirate.
The bartender pours out the shots, and the pirate drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The pirate replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”
The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
“Fifty cents!” replied the pirate.
Unknown
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#19
What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ship’s Ahoy!
Ship’s Ahoy!
Unknown
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#20
Why was the pirate such a good boxer?
Because he had a strong left hook.
Because he had a strong left hook.
Unknown
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