A few months ago, we told a story about how a homeowner, while on vacation, received an alarm that their own mom and her friend were trying to break into their home - and did not take any action, leaving the mother to deal with the arriving police personally.
That story once again shows us how important personal boundaries are in the modern world - and how the understanding of this term itself differs among representatives of different generations. And here's another tale for you, from the user u/Wide-Dragonfly4555, who also received a whole stream of accusations of mistreatment and God only knows what else from their own parents...
More info: Reddit
The author of the post has a problem with their parents not respecting any kind of personal boundaries
Image credits: Travis Saylor (not the actual photo)
It all started when the author moved out after graduating from college - and their parents wanted the keys to their new apartment
Image credits: Wide-Dragonfly4555
However, the parents kept overusing these keys, showing up uninvited numerous times
Image credits: IKRAM shaari (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wide-Dragonfly4555
So when the author bought their own house in a gated community, they just didn't put parents on the approved visitors list - and took heat for doing so
So, the Original Poster (OP) moved out from their parents' as soon as they graduated from college. At first they rented an apartment, and their parents asked for a duplicate key - just in case. The author gave them these keys - which they later greatly regretted.
The thing is that the parents used the keys several times in non-emergency situations to enter the apartment in the tenant’s absence - even despite the OP repeatedly stating that this was not acceptable behavior. The last straw was when they dropped off the author's little brother - simply because they had other family in town and needed the space.
After this incident, the OP took the keys from their parents - but literally a couple of days later, they found out that the parents had made duplicates. Without letting anyone know, of course. When the parents found out that the author had changed the locks (which means that they were once again trying to break into the apartment behind their back), they went absolutely dramatic, accusing the child of not trusting them and so on.
Well, the original poster solved this issue very simply. It so happened that they were making decent money at work - and finally, they became the owner of a wonderful house in a nice gated community. With a 24-hour security system and an officer at the front gate.
The author is dating their boyfriend, who has the keys to the house - but everyone else is not included in the approved visitors list, and neither are their parents. So now they will under no circumstances be able to show up uninvited. Even the mom to ‘just drop off some groceries’ or ‘do some cleaning.’ Even the dad - to ‘do maintenance.’
Needless to say, the parents were even more offended by this decision, and since then they haven’t stopped trying to persuade the original poster to at least add them to the list of approved visitors. But the OP reminds them every time that they proved themselves untrustworthy when they had the keys to their apartment, and is adamant even when hearing that they’re treating their parents poorly.
Image credits: George Becker (not the actual photo)
“It seems to me that this is like a classic question about personal boundaries in the relationship between parents and children. And the older generation doesn’t understand the importance of these boundaries,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment over this case. “It often happens that parents themselves were brought up in a completely different atmosphere - and therefore consider personal boundaries to be something of an empty whim or so.”
According to the expert, demanding the keys to an adult child’s apartment simply in order to overuse this option is totally unacceptable. As well as actually trying to manipulate their opinion in numerous ways in order to still achieve what the parents want. However, it's important to try to correctly explain the cause of the conflict to parents in order to avoid similar situations in the future, and at the same time maintain a good relationship.
“I think it makes sense to have a serious conversation with the parents, to explain why they are wrong, and why setting personal boundaries is in no way an insult to them. That help in the form of cleaning or maintenance is valuable not when they want it, but when asked for it. Perhaps this conversation should work," Irina ponders sincerely.
People in the comments to the original post are also confident that the author did everything absolutely correctly, and that there’s no kind of disrespect toward the parents here. “All they have to do is get your permission. They are sore that they have to do that. They don't want to respect your autonomy. Stick to your boundaries!” one of the commenters wrote.
Some of the commenters also give their own advice on what is best to say to parents in order to convey their own point of view, but without offending them. “I know you're not thieves but I also know you'll show up unannounced and dump bro here whenever without asking also, so sorry not sorry” - this is one such example of advice in the comments. So what would you recommend saying in the situation described by the author? Please feel free to share your ideas in the comments below.
Folks in the comments, however, sided with the author, stating that they're just standing up for their own personal boundaries - and that's damn right, in fact
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
