RelationshipsAUG 12, 2022

Someone Asked, ‘What’s A Secret You’ll Never Tell Your Partner?’, 40 People Delivered

Greta Jaruševičiūtė and Rokas Laurinavičius

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In a healthy relationship, you honor the sense of emotional and physical privacy needed for yourself and your significant other. Otherwise, somewhat counterintuitively, you end up limiting your intimacy with one another, instead of enhancing it.

And there's a thread on Reddit that perfectly highlights it. Created by user u/Bisexual_Space_Lover, it asked people: "What's a secret you'll never tell your partner, but are willing to tell strangers on Reddit?" and the concealed truths it has received ranged from silly to sweet and wholesome.

So we collected the most memorable ones and put together this list to prove that absolute honesty shouldn't be the goal of commitment.

#1

Someone Asked, ‘What’s A Secret You’ll Never Tell Your Partner?’, 40 People Delivered

Using my alt because she follows my main account

My girlfriend of 5 years has been deaf since she was 6. She reads lips pretty well, but prefers Sign Language. I didn’t know a single sign when I met her, but I could tell right away there was something between us so I started learning after I got home from our first date.

Fast forward a few years, I’m now fluent in ASL and we use it to talk almost exclusively. When she’s not looking though, I talk to her even though she can’t hear me or see my lips to read. I tell her how much I love her, how I’m going to marry her someday, how beautiful she is, etc. I’ve even been practicing proposing, so it’s not so terrifying when I actually do it. She has no idea and I plan to keep it that way.

JustADude183, Samuel Raita

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441points

We managed to get in touch with Bisexual_Space_Lover, and the Redditor didn't expect the post would blow up the way it did.

"I randomly watched a video from 2021 where someone posted a Q&A asking their followers to anonymously confess their deepest secrets. Then I scrolled through Reddit and just kept thinking about the replies and just decided to post the question on r/AskReddit," they told Bored Panda.

"Most posts there don't gain much popularity ... so I thought that maybe it'll get 1 or 2 replies and left it at that. Came back 1 hour later and jeez, I saw over 100 replies! I read through all of them and sheesh, some [entries really] concerned me. I upvoted and commented on a few of the replies and continued with my day. I came back the following day and was surprised at the number of upvotes."

#2

My best friend is a Badger and I feed him sweetcorn every morning at 5:20am

Chubby_Salmon3454, John Campbell

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361points

#3

That I am the one placing the googly eyes on everything in our house not our six year old.

aaronr93

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317points

According to Sari Cooper, an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, & Director of Center for Love and Sex, a boutique practice specializing in sex therapy issues in New York City, infidelity, substance abuse, pornography use, and considering leaving one's partner are the types of secrets that frequently arise in sex therapy and couples counseling.

"Partners keep a variety of secrets from their partners for many expected and at times surprising reasons," Cooper explained on Psychology Today. "They may feel something is too taboo to discuss—like marital problems, financial issues, sexual preferences, or their own or their partner's mental health and addiction issues. They may have broken their sexual exclusivity or monogamy agreement in a long-term committed relationship or marriage. And they may omit information or outright lie about topics like their physical health, their previous sexual partners, or beliefs on death or religion."

#4

My wife s**t while delivering our son. Something she was terrified she would do. The nurse cleaned up very quickly and gave me a look that needed no explanation. I never said a word. She talked after delivery about how happy she was that didn’t happen to her. I’ll let her keep that peace of mind for life.

falllikeweather, Sean Roy

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301points

#5

The wholesome answer? That our youngest sons first word wasn't "mama". She was having a busy time at work and already felt guilty about not being home as much. Naturally he spent most time with me so his first word was "papa". I kept my mouth shut and waited untill he said "mama" and celebrated that as his first word.

TinusTussengas, Kelly Sikkema

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286points

"In my practice, I often see major changes in family dynamics because some family members know only a part of a secret—without knowing it is only part of the secret—which makes those who know the full secret cautious and distant for fear that the rest of the secret may accidentally come tumbling out," the therapist said.

"For example, I have worked with men whose secret of seeing sex workers get discovered by their female partners. A wife who discovered her husband’s past secret sexual alliances with sex workers disclosed this secret only to one of her siblings while her parents, her other siblings, and her partner’s entire family were kept in the dark. She did this so that she didn’t feel so lonely with the betrayal, which naturally devastated her emotionally."

#6

My husband loves talkative cats. When we first got our kittens I gave them a treat every time they made a meow or chirp. Since I was working from home they ended up becoming very vocal. He still goes on about how lucky we are to have such talkative cats in a weekly basis

KasKat35, twinpeaksbel

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275points

#7

That I found the man who was speaking improperly to our very young daughter and made sure it wouldn't happen again.

Lanky_Technician_76

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239points

Bisexual_Space_Lover believes that it's probably impossible to go through life without keeping a single secret.

"Some of the comments made me reflect on my own life and some made me think of things that happened in my past. I'm not in a relationship so I didn't have much reason to comment," the Redditor said.

"I don't think that [it's possible to fully reveal yourself to another person], there are lots of people who have taken many secrets to their graves."

#8

That he legit saved my life. He’s a nervous, humble guy who doesn’t like undue pressure or praise, so I keep it to myself just how bad off I was before he showed up. Because even in the aftermath of my mom’s death and even in the face of some pretty nasty health problems (which I was just letting slide because I was so depressed I was kind of hoping they’d kill me), I was very, VERY good at smiling and being charming. Three years of taking care of a terminally ill parent taught me how to smile and bear it and feint positivity even when you’re running on empty.

And I never felt like I could be anything other than The Fixer. The Doer. The Person Who Always Knows What To Say. The Reliable One. They Who Has Every Answer and Can Make Bad Feelings Go Away By Just Fixing the Problem For You.

I was not allowed to be negative. Ever.

But he… legit came in and helped me with mom’s estate and cheerleaded me into getting out of a dead-end career and put a stake in the heart of some severely toxic relationships I had and even helped me budget so I could “finally afford” health insurance… which wasn’t a moment too soon, because I caught s**t right in the nick of time.

And he just kind of… did it. In his mind it was nothing much because “you were on the right track, but you had a lot on your plate and needed help :).” And I just nod and agree because what else do I say?

“I actually wasn’t. I was just going to let myself die because I was exhausted and miserable, smiles aside. Thanks for intervening.”

Ilunibi, Lesly Juarez

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213points

#9

I never paid for her engagement ring.

I went to a custom jeweler to have her ring made. It’s a beautiful piece, and she loves it dearly, and it certainly wasn’t cheap - appraised and insured for around $10k.

The jeweler was dealing with a lot of family issues at the time, and was incredibly disorganized. I went to pick up the ring and brought my checkbook to pay for it, and when she handed me the ring I took it out and asked her who to make the check out to. She said “oh no don’t worry about it right now, just send me a check in the mail!”.

I thought that was strange, but sure okay. She then hurried off to help another customer and I left. But she never told me what the final price was.

For the next 6 months, I texted and called the jeweler asking “hey just tell me what amount to put and I’ll mail you the check!”, and there was always a reason she couldn’t tell me “oh sorry I’m out right now, I’ll find it and text you later!”. Her shop was a few hours away from where I live, so it wasn’t feasible to stop by and handle it in person.

I tried for 6 months, but after that I stopped calling/texting and just figured I got the ring for free. I wouldn’t tell my spouse, because I don’t want her to think I took advantage of the situation or that somehow the ring isn’t as ‘meaningful’ because I didn’t pay for it.

Decayd, Taylor Heery

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201points

However, is something really a secret if the person keeping it is not experiencing anxiety, rumination, or guilt? Indeed, Cooper said there is a difference between keeping secrets and maintaining privacy.

Privacy is not bad for a person's physical or emotional health, while secrets can impact a person's well-being and decision-making. And privacy, rather than secrecy, can be healthy not only for the emotional but also for the erotic intimacy of a relationship or marriage.

"An existential anxiety provoking many people is that they’ll never fully know everything about their partner and alternatively, they won’t ever be fully known by them either. This dilemma of unknowingness and the fact that we change continually throughout our lifetime is the fear that many partners try to conquer through demanding full disclosure in their relationships, and this quest for knowing all can cause suffering and disappointment," Cooper noted.

So maybe we should stop expecting to know everything about our loved ones?

#10

That I know the word she’s looking for, but it’s more fun to hear her rattle off increasingly ridiculous, sometimes made up words instead.

FunWithAPorpoise, Jennifer Lim-Tamkican

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192points

#11

When my Girlfriend and I go out to eat at a restaurant, they will sometimes let us order food through our phones at the table. I'll insist on ordering because it lets me write in their "special instructions" box where i request if they could compliment her outfit.

Honestly i think i get just as much enjoyment seeing her reaction. I can never let her know.

Fhoenix

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187points

#12

I got our toddler out of bed one morning and went to do a sniff test of their butt to see if they had poo’d over night and when I lifted my child up i stuck their head in the ceiling fan.

Oh and the time I forgot to put the car in park with them in it.

brotum248, Peter Galvin

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186points

#13

Our cat didn't break the towel rack. I did. I was pretending to be fighting zombies and grabbed it and... ripped the god damn thing off the wall. I heard her coming to check out the noise and looked down at my cat.

She came into the bathroom to me asking my cat "Why did you think the towel rack could hold your weight? You silly cat!"

FandiBilly, Dollar Gill

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181points

#14

I don't know why I can't tell her. But lately (3 years of marriage and a 9 month old) I am more attracted to her than ever. It becomes distracting as I think about it all day sometimes. I think I'm embarrassed that it used to be a more 'average' attraction and now it is in overdrive, been this way for months.

I know it probably sounds silly but Idk it just feels like I became a different person recently.

Themanwhofarts

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166points

#15

That the thing that made me realize that i was in love with her is when i was taking a shower and got done, i walked into the room and she must not have heard me get out. She was laying on her side on the bed with her eyes closed, and she was picking her nose. I didn't want to embarrass her, so i stepped back out and from a distance asked where i set my clean clothes as i was walking back in, to make it seem like i was just coming in. She was visibly startled and quickly stopped, but continued to lay there with her eyes closed. I pretended that i saw nothing, but i couldn't help but smile. It was such an innocent and human moment. I have no idea why, but it made me realize right then and there that i loved everything about her. As silly as that moment was, there was a beauty in it, and i cherish that memory.

dfgthree3, Ivan Samkov

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161points

#16

Sometimes I just sit in my car outside work or our apartment for 20-30 minutes because I need some time alone. I have my mind full to the brim at work and rarely get time in the house alone. Sometimes I just need it to be quiet and not have to pay attention to anything!

CocktailOnion

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142points

#17

I’ve been so depressed lately. I do not like my job. I have crippling anxiety driving into work every day. I’m in six-figure debt so I can’t leave. I can’t provide the life my family deserves and it’s only going to get tighter in coming months. I cry most days.

My wife and son are the only things in my life keeping me going. They do make me happy though its a sad-happy because I feel like I’m letting them down. My wife knows I’m not myself but I won’t tell her how bad things are.

I know it will get better but it’s very hard right now.

Edit: thank you all for your words of encouragement. I will talk with my wife tonight and we’ll try to come up with a plan. Not quite sure how, but she IS going to get her husband back and my son is getting his dad back.

Edit 2: I did talk with my wife. She’s worried about me but so supportive. Things are tight but we’ll get through. I made an appointment to talk to a professional. I don’t have the energy now but I’m going for a run on Friday after work and swimming with my son on Saturday. Thank you all. I did read a lot of comments and messages and everyone was supportive or funny. You all helped.

Sumthin-Sumthin44692

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141points

#18

I hate that he doesn't want to go anywhere, ever.

Everything is always a chore or he dreads it.

I want to go on hikes, random car rides, a damn picnic. Just get out of the house with him, just him. I want to go on dates, I'm growing very tired of this lifestyle.

worthlesswreck

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141points

#19

I am terrified that my partner will die because I know I am not really a functional adult outside of my work. I am good for playing with the kids, bringing in a decent income and making food, but the idea of single parenting and taking care of everything fills me with existential dread I have a hard time describing.

Obligatory Edit:
Thank you all for the support and kind comments, I never expected my top comment ever would be about how I worry for the future because I feel like 3 raccoons in a trench coat instead of a human adult. If you feel the same way just know you aren’t alone!

ProfessorWC, Steven Van Loy

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140points

#20

If not for my partner and my family, I would have killed myself a long time ago. They are literally what I live for, and I can’t tell them that because they would worry about me so much.

EDIT: I am NOT actively suicidal, and I will not harm myself in the foreseeable future.

KnownAd7367, JoEllen Moths

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139points

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