#1
If you feel overwhelmed by the boundaries that govern your actions, there are things you can do to help your predicament. "Having a sense of control is essential to our well-being," Dr. Brooks, the co-author of Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, told Bored Panda. "Basically, when we have what is called an internal locus of control, we believe that what we do makes a difference. We can change our lives by working to achieve desired goals."
"In contrast, when we have more of an external locus of control, we believe that forces beyond our control determine our fate. We are like leaves in the wind. Having a strong internal locus of control is associated with more positive well-being whereas having an external locus of control is associated with depression and other mental health struggles."
"From this perspective, our need for control is very much related to our needs for freedom and liberty. We long for the liberty to control our own lives. While we are resilient and do have to give up some of our liberty to be a part of society, when our freedom and control are too constrained, our mental health is likely to begin to suffer at some point," the psychologist explained.
#2
Dr. Brooks said there are many factors that can contribute to losing our sense of control. "Sometimes we are in situations or environments that actually do limit our options. For instance, we might be in a romantic relationship with a very controlling partner or a work environment in which our boss 'micro-manages' us. So, when our choices are limited or constrained by external forces, then we are likely to feel less in control and, as a result, less happy."
"We can also lose our sense of control when we focus on things that we can't control rather than the things we can control," he added. "So, there is a bit of a both/and here. It is true that we can't control everything in our lives. Bad things do happen to us, often through no fault of our own. However, focusing on what we can't control is a road to feeling powerless, helpless, and unhappy."
#3
Interestingly, when researchers from Brandeis University, the University of Rochester, and the German Institute for Economic Research looked at 6,135 people between the ages of 25 and 75, they found that having a strong sense of control over your circumstances reduces the risk of death and can offset the negative health effects of getting less education.
They looked at the data over 14 years—from 1995 to 2009. In analyzing the numbers, the researchers first controlled for demographics, then for both parental and participant levels of education, and finally control beliefs.
Turns out, older male minorities were most at risk of dying. Parental education levels did not seem to affect mortality, but the participants' own education did: each standard deviation increase in education (such as "from high school to an associate’s degree," the study helpfully explains) decreased mortality risk by 17 percent. Having a stronger sense of control over one's life reduced the risk by 13 percent.
#4
"It is likely that perceived control involves a variety of factors, ranging from motivation to beliefs or cognitions, social and behavioral histories of successes and failures, different types of relationships with others, and affective tone,” the study reads.
"Some elements of perceived control may vary with changes in external situations, but many may be more dispositional."
The researchers say that a lot of it is just personality, but people can still change their sense of control.
#5
"To regain a sense of control, it is helpful to focus on what we can control in our lives rather than what we cannot," Dr. Brooks highlighted.
"For the things we cannot control, our work is acceptance. That doesn't mean we necessarily like the things we cannot change. However, since some things are indeed beyond our control, we have to focus on what we can control, which includes our attitude about the things that we cannot control," he explained.
#6
However, the psychologist said that we can't escape situations and environments in which we lack control, such as having that boss who micromanages us. "Once we have exhausted our efforts to gain more autonomy from our boss or to change the work environment, we can still control changing jobs. In this way, we are always searching for creative ways to gain a sense of control and agency while accepting the forces that affect us that are outside of our control."
"Being able to skillfully meet our need for control and balance this with accepting the things we cannot is a key to success and happiness in life," Dr. Brooks said. "As the stoic philosopher Epictetus advised, 'The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.'"
For additional inspiration, Dr. Brooks also suggests remembering a more familiar Serenity Prayer that captures this idea as well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
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