#1
Their family employed a black woman who resided in a separate part of the home, did almost all the cooking, cleaning, babysat my father and his siblings, etc.
But she was not permitted to eat at the same time as my father's family - to say the least. There was an extremely small room off the kitchen she was allowed to eat in by herself after the family had finished their meal.
With that said - after my grandparents passed away, my father allocated a portion of his inheritance to her so she would no longer have to work. It wasn't living lavishly or anything - but it was enough to get by. He also insisted absolutely that she be included on family events like holidays and birthdays, because she was also family. I grew up viewing her as like a great aunt.
It’s not unusual for families to have secrets. And skeletons come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s a little white lie that remains hidden but other times, the secret is big enough to tear relatives apart. According to PsychCentral, the secrets families are most likely to hide involve finances, serious health issues, death, and impending divorce.
“Filling in the missing puzzle pieces of a family’s history, current or past, is an adult responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly," reads the site. "All of us long to feel whole, to understand why we are the way we are. Secrets that fester, unspoken and misunderstood, can erode the very foundation of a family, sometimes beyond repair.”
“The meaning of ‘secret’ varies depending on the person,” said Clémence Scouten during our chat. “A family may discover they have a relative they didn't know (i.e. a parent had an affair and there's an unknown half sibling out there) and think it's great and no reason for that to be a secret. Another family may feel that is a secret to be guarded at all costs. It all comes down to what you as an individual care about.”
Scouten founded Memoirs & More in 2016 in a bid to help people preserve and share their family history. Since then, she's assisted many to gently and tactfully tell others about chapters of their lives that previously remained hidden. So we found it fitting to reach out to Scouten for some tips on how to handle the proverbial skeletons in the closet.
#2
My grandfather took her back along with the baby. They had two kids together after that.
He always treated her son the same as their two kids.
I didn't learn any of this until my 50s.
#3
We were curious to know what the most common family secrets are. So we asked Scouten. "The sort of information a person might consider taboo includes: first cousins who married, second cousins who married, two brothers who married two sisters (not their own sisters! That's pretty unusual in what I see), finding a relative had been institutionalized (mental or criminal institution), finding out about unknown relatives," she said. But it didn't stop there.
"Discovering you were born AFTER your parents were married, discovering you have someone of another religion/race/ethnic group in your heritage, having ancestors who enslaved people, discovering a person was gay/an alcoholic/abusive/etc (not that those traits go together)," continued the expert, listing many of the stories featured here before even seeing them.
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#5
His life was turned around when his grandmother, a force to be reckoned with, found out what was going on and took him away to live with her. He got a loving home, a good education and a start in his chosen career.
#6
Weird side note: his funeral wishes were NOT respected. His mother, my grandma, pushed for a very catholic service and burial. My dad was atheist and always very clear he did not want a traditional religious funeral, he wanted to be cremated. He often made fun of religion and kept a flying spaghetti monster magnet on his fridge.. It has always just really bothered me someone's final wishes can be so ignored, even by loved ones.
It's safe to say you should give it some serious thought before blurting out your family secrets. If you do decide to go ahead, Scouten suggests you carefully consider the narrative. She also cautions that "you can't 'UN-know' what you know." Meaning some people might be better off not hearing or reading about the secrets you're so ready to share.
"If you have a sibling who cares about social norms, she may be very angry at you for divulging that you discovered you have [insert family secret]," explains Scouten. "You have in essence imposed information on your family member that they may not have wanted to know."
The expert also says it's best to seek professional advice if you come from a high-profile family and 'going public' will impact your family's brand or garner social media attention. "I'm a big believer in relationships. And family history is almost always a shared history, not just your own history," Scouten told Bored Panda.
Many experts recommend using a genogram to chart multigenerational connections, making complex family dynamics more visible."Thus, taking into account the feelings and wishes of those around you is critical to me."
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Scouten also believes it's important to take historical context into account when dealing with family secrets. This story, for example, deals with cousins getting "cozy". And while that might give us the ick nowadays, it actually wasn’t too uncommon at a certain point in history.
“The reality was that communities were much, much smaller (especially outside of cities) and cousins marrying was not uncommon,” Scouten once wrote. Meanwhile, during our own interview, she revealed that she's heard of many cases involving cousins tying the knot. "I have seen everything except finding an unexpected race/ethnic group," said the expert. "Some people acknowledge it and move on, others acknowledge and make a big deal, others sugarcoat it, others ignore it altogether."
#10
It never changed how I felt about him...he was my grandfather and a few cells doesn't change the fact that he loved me and I loved him. It's been just as long without him as with him and I still miss him and hope to one day be half as good as him.
#11
For decades I never knew, until my sister called during my divorce years later and commented that she knew what it was like to have your life upended because of her daughter. *What.*
She’d never had any other kids so I realized I was reeeeeaaally missing something!
Turned out she thought Mom had eventually told me once I was an adult, and Mom thought she had eventually told me, so they both assumed I knew when I had no idea.
A few years later her daughter finally reached out from the info on file at the agency so now she’s part of the extended family and my sister is “bonus mom”. They’re both lucky the reunion went well!
#12
Turns out, the TA and I actually ARE half-siblings, with the same father. My (our?) dad sat me down a few years later and explained that when he was 18-19, he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Both of them were devout Catholics, so she carried the child to term, and abandoned her daughter afterwards. With no other options, he gave his daughter up for adoption.
I haven't seen my sister since. Part of me wants to reach out because I have that information, but I'm also a bit nervous, since we're both adults with our own sovereign lives now. Not to mention the ~16 year age gap.
Scouten suggests asking yourself a few questions about the relative at the center of a scandal before sharing information about it. Are you judging them harshly? Why or why not? Have you done your research about the issue and do you know whether it was common back in the day? How did the relative's actions impact family members at the time?
When you do finally put pen to paper, or your fingers to the keyboard, "offer the facts without judgment; not everyone reacts the same way to the same things." It also might be wise to speak to some family members before going public with private affairs.
"I would consider the lives and feelings of the people in your family, and what kind of relationship you want to have with them," advises Scouten. "Let's say your grandfather beat your uncle and his kids, and your uncle and cousins are still alive. Who are you to 'out' your uncle if he doesn't talk about that?"
#13
My grandmother died when I was about 8 from lung cancer. I was at her bedside the day she died and I remember her being bruised all over her face and arms. Years later as an adult that fact never sat right with me so I got a hold of her medical records. It turned out she had been mugged leaving the bank and was basically beaten to death by some guys for resisting.
I do understand why my family covered that up.
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If you claim to not have any secrets, there's a good chance you're keeping a secret about having a secret. As the BBC reported, "people keep around 13 secrets at any one time on average, five of which they've never told anyone." Those figures are based on this research. It was conducted by a leading expert on the psychology of secrets, Michael Slepian.
The psychologist revealed that people are more likely to share experiences involving drug use or job dissatisfaction than they are those to do with romantic desire or sexual behaviour. In fact, according to Slepian, those last two are "consistently the top secrets shared with no one".
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Our interview ended with Scouten sharing a quote one of her first clients shared with her. And we found it too good not to share with you... "If you don't want to find the nuts in your family, don't shake the tree."
And on that note, we'll leave the comments section open. So that you can drop your family bombshells right at the bottom!
#19
And that is why nobody in the family liked Dulcie.
#20
He and my Nan were quietly asked to leave town before the police were involved.
Before I found out I did wonder why they sold their house so cheap and moved towns at 60 years old.