"Stories About Kevin": 30 Stories About People Who Are Depriving Some Village Of Their Idiot

Pretty sure my sister is a Kevin. There are at least a dozen stories like this.

We were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, and the waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order in English. Kevin looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, 'I understood everything she said!

My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English.

I used to live with a Kevin. He did so many stupid things that I can't possible mention all of them, but here's a selection:

Kevin was allergic to strawberries, nuts and tomatoes but still ate strawberries, nuts and tomatoes.

He was also diabetic but once went on a several hour long hike in the wilderness without any of his medicine or any snacks. He didn't tell us until his blood sugar became so low that he almost passed out, and then we had to scramble for berries that he could eat while one of us had to RUN to get help.

He once put stuffed armchairs outside and was surprised when they were ruined eight months later.

He didn't know you had to clean a toilet. He was just surprised that his was grimy and dirty while everyone else's was not.

One time the electricity suddenly went out. It was Kevin's fault. He had tried to fix his computer with a scalpel. I still to this day have no idea what he was trying to achieve with a damned scalpel. We fixed the electricity and told him to stop playing with death. An hour later the electricity went out again. Any guesses why?

Anyway, he's now an architect who's responsible for actual houses.

So my brother Kevin used to work at McDonalds. On his very first shift he was starting at the menu board absolutely baffled on and off for about an hour.

Eventually his manager came and asked him what was up and Kevin responded with "what's A.D.D bacon?"

The manager looked baffled for a moment apparently before bursting out laughing, "you mean add bacon? Like add bacon to a burger?"

Kevin having a lightbulb moment finally go off in his head was like "ohhh it's the word add hahahaha thanks"

He came home and proudly told everyone this funny story

Heya everyone! Just for context, I’m a hotline worker for my state’s wildlife hotline. Which means I get to see a LOT of interesting people. Here’s some of the most interesting stories that I can think of. These are multiple Kevins, not the same one btw!

Kevin found that his cat caught a bunny. Kevin contacted us to ask where to take it. Upon being told the closest rehabber was 20 minutes away (which is pretty good!), Kevin said he would call an ambulance for the bunny. A human ambulance. Kevin was advised that is not a good idea and we got the bunny from him instead.

Kevina is a new mom, who finds what she thinks is a baby opossum, who she says is probably too small to be on its own and needs milk. Kevina then explains that she can care for it because she’s breastfeeding, and she breastfed it as well. She sends us an image of the animal. It is an entire, very confused, rat. A wild rat. We took the rat from her. Rats bite. Rats are fast. I still don’t know how that happened.

Kevin contacts us about an injured hawk. Asks what they eat because it ‘looks hungry’. Advised to take hawk straight to rehab, instead of feeding. Kevin says he will give the hawk his recipe of mashed potatoes, because it helps him when he’s sick. Proceeds to get offended that we don’t believe in his mashed potatoes. Proceeds to get offended that the hawk doesn’t believe in his mashed potatoes either.

Opossum brought into rehab inbetween two pieces of bread. Bread was ‘in case he got hungry’. Kevina brought in a possum sandwich.

Kevina spams us about an abandoned baby squirrel, too small to be on its own. She caught him and is keeping him to give to a rehabber. Sends us an image. It is an adult chipmunk. Advised that it was, in fact, a normal chipmunk. I was then educated that chipmunks are just baby squirrels, and that I should respect my elders. Advised her to let the chipmunk go, which she did.

Kevina contacts about baby bears. Says she doesn’t see mom, so she’s going to ‘rescue’ them. When told to not do that by any means, she argued that she knew best. She sent an image 10 minutes later of momma bear with cubs, staring at her. Mom “came out of nowhere” when she tried to pet one. Nobody was hurt, miraculously

Kevin contacts us about 8 baby hamsters that seemingly appeared to him miraculously. When informed we are a wildlife hotline, Kevin argued that hamsters are wildlife because there’s wild hamsters somewhere in the world. Told Kevin to take to a rodent rescue close to him. Kevin argued that hamsters aren’t rodents, they’re mammals.

I’m sure there’s more, but here’s some off the top of my head. These are just a few over my first year, most people are lovely, so don’t lose your hope in humanity just yet. All of the animals here either were fine or got into care, and as far as I know they’re all healthy and fine now. If you find injured wildlife, please contact your local wildlife rescue or wildlife hotline, if there is one. If you have any questions, let me know!

My friend's wife is a Kevin. He told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them.

Her: 'That's terrible!'

Him: 'Why is it terrible?'

Her: 'They'll sell all the frozen ones and then people will start killing mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they'll all be extinct!'

I think my best friend may be a Kevina.

Recently I went to visit my friend and spend a week with her and her parents at their lake house. She picked me up from the airport and we drove several hours to get to the lake house. I remember having a fleeting thought on the drive that we have to be getting low on gas due to the sheer amount of time we were driving. I brushed it off and we made it to our destination no problems.

The next morning her dad asked for the keys so he could drive to town to pick up groceries. He left and came back two minutes later stating that the car didn't have enough gas for the 10 minute drive to town. He also asked Kevina how we made it all the way from the airport without getting gas.

I kid you not, Kevina looked her dad straight in the eye and said, "Dad what do you mean? The car has a half tank. I checked multiple times since we left the airport and it's still sitting half full."

Her dad, completely dumbfounded, looks at her and says, "Jesus Christ, you were looking at the oil temperature the whole time weren't you?" Spoiler alert, she was. She thought the oil temp gauge was the gas gauge and didn't notice the blaring low gas light at any point in the drive.

Kevina’s mother runs a Subway fast food franchise that my friend frequents with his partner and daughter. For reasons that are not entirely clear, teenage Kevina got kicked out of school. To help her occupy her time, Kevina is now a trainee 'sandwich artist' at her mother’s Subway franchise.

My friend, his partner, and his daughter usually buy one footlong sub and ask to have it cut into thirds so they can share it. Usually, that isn’t a problem, but this time Kevina was serving them. She assembled the sub (doing a pretty poor job of it) and then cut it in half. Her mother/supervisor told her to do it again.

So Kevina assembled another sub, and proceeded to cut it into quarters. At this point, my friend was covering his mouth as it gaped in disbelief. Kevina’s mother/supervisor explained to her that cutting the sub into quarters won’t help when the customer wants to share it between three people.

Unperturbed, Kevina took away one quarter of the sub and said, 'OK, now they can share it between three people!' Her mother/supervisor attempted to explain that a customer won’t be happy if they don’t get the whole sub they paid for.

We’re now wondering about two things:

Firstly, how does someone make it to their teens without understanding fractions?

Secondly, was the real reason Kevina got kicked out of school due to frustration with incredibly poor academic performance?

In my school, we had to do about six to eight months of social service before graduation. I — being an edgy teenager — decided to do mine in a funeral home. [Kevin] confessed to me he wouldn't have the guts to work at a place where they kill people.

I worked with a vet tech Kevina. Worked, as in the past tense, because she got herself fired. One day, she was hanging out with her dog and started laughing at something. Her dog jumped up and licked her tongue. That night, Kevina started having diarrhea. She decided that the only possible explanation was that she got worms from her dog's unexpected French kiss. The next day at work, she pulls some dewormer off the shelf and takes an unknown amount. This isn't terribly stupid by itself, but what sealed her fate was that she was openly bragging about it to the other technicians. Literally nobody would have known, but she must have been so proud of her idea, she couldn't stop telling people. Eventually, she comes across our manager and tells her all about her genius plan. My manager was aghast and was forced to fire her basically on the spot for stealing medication from the hospital.

Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevins. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor, and lay in it.

I can picture all 6’4”, 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom.

He gets in the shower, rinses it off, and then goes about his day. He went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out, our son asked why he had a bald spot on the back of his head.

OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald 3 shape on the back of his head. After a few more days, more hair fell out, and it was a perfect 8.

I found this subreddit and it’s perfect for my sister. I lived with her for 16 years and had to babysit her (despite being younger) for all of those (we are both adults now so she’s on her own). Let me go down the list of some of her greatest hits:

She got MRSA because the house she was living in ran out of toilet paper and thought the next best thing to use was the BATHROOM CLEANING SPONGE
A few years prior to that incident she got a very infection downstairs because once again ran out of toilet paper and thought it would be okay to use a wash cloth…. Which is fine once but she used the same one continually so she wouldn’t have to buy more toilet paper
She got her drivers license confiscated at a chuck E. cheese because she went to get a gift card there and they asked if she was there to pick up a kid (she has no kids), she panicked and said yes for some reason and they said they needed her id until she returned with her kid and showed them a code. She obviously had no code and wandered aimlessly for a bit, panicked when someone asked her if she needed help, and then ran out while crying. She never got the id back.
She somehow got s**t on the ceilings when she had diarrhea
She complimented someone’s shirt and they jokingly said “thanks you can have it” and she then asked “so should we go to the bathroom and trade?” And the girl looked horrified.
There’s more but this is all I can think of for now. She recognizes that she does weird things and always prefaces her stories with “So I did something really embarrassing today”

When I was in eighth grade, my teacher struggled mightily to convince a Kevina that bees are pretty much normal insects, but when they sting you, they’re injecting a toxin that hurts as a defense mechanism.

Kevina did not believe her. Instead, she thought that bees buzzed because they obviously contained electricity, and the sting was, therefore, actually an electric shock.

I am currently training to be a gardener and I am in a class with a real Kevina. I could tell many stories and I kind of feel bad for her sometimes, because she has a hard time understanding basic things and apparently was never taught the most basic things. She basically on an intellectual level of a 12 year old while she is actually 26.

One day 8 months into the course, while revisiting all the material we had learned for the final exam of that year with our teacher, she asked out of the blue why all the trees lost their leaves in the winter and had to be felled. Turns out that by that time she had never understood that some trees drop their leaves in winter and grow new ones in spring (we were obviously taught as much) and she seemed to confuse pruning with cutting down a whole tree (we had a whole exam about all the possible ways to prune trees)

There are more examples of her not understanding basic concepts even after hours and hours of our teachers explaining them to us but that one left me speechless

This story dates back about ten years but I recently remembered it and thought you guys might enjoy.

I worked retail at the time, Gamestop to be exact, so you might be able to guess what kind of guy Kevin was.

He was never abusive to the staff but he was super annoying. Honorable mentions: - tried to negotiate prices on brand new, AAA titles - spent hours hanging out at the counter, chatting up staff and other customers - tried to hit on all female staff memebers - tried to convince male staff members to be wing man in above attempts - tried to go into the back room to find something because “he was a friend of the house and could do that”

Eventually Kevin was told that he was no longer welcome and we would refuse service if he did come back unless he had seriously changed his behavior.

About two weeks go by and then Kevin walks into the store. We were three staff at the store, me, co-worker and manager. Manager was in the back, we were in front.

My co-worker politely but firmly tells Kevin that he is not welcome. Kevin acts totally surprised and proceeds to try to tell us that we must have him confused with someone else! He insisted he had never been to this store before, never seen any of us before, his name wasn’t Kevin (he called himself Kelvin instead).

With none of his arguments working, Kevin became frustrated his brilliant plan wasn’t working and then uttered the words “Well, you need to get [manager’s name]! He knows me!”

Yeah, manager was not impressed either and told him to leave as well.

I have considered whether I married a Kevin. He has done things in the past that made me wonder. I was told when he was a boy that his mom gave him money to go to the store to buy her a bunch of bananas, as in one bunch. He thinks a BUNCH of bananas. She apparently was giving bananas away, making banana bread, and banana puddings for quite some time afterwards.

When he was learning to drive, his dad told him he was going to be turning right at the next road. It was a red light and he thought “Why should I wait in the line for the light to turn when I can just cut through the median and be on my way?”

Shortly after I married him, I caught him one night with a canister of instant hot chocolate picking things out of it and looking concerned. I asked him what he was doing and he informed me there was dried up corn kernels in our hot chocolate. I went to look for myself. It was the freeze dried marshmallows. When I made my discovery, I asked him why it didn’t occur to him that it wasn’t it wasn’t corn because 1. They were white and 2. They weren’t shaped like corn. He said he didn’t think marshmallows would look like that.

A little later we had a couple cats and a dog. He fed the cats the dog food because we were out of cat food. I guess it didn’t matter much because they are similar animals. When I told him I could have bought cat food since I was out, he was then worried he accidentally killed the cats.

Just tonight my poor little Kevin decided he wanted a magnesium supplement for his sore muscles because I take them when my muscles are hurting. He pops it in his mouth and starts munching it down. He grimaces and tells me that it tastes awful. I wasn’t paying attention until I heard the sounds of revulsion and look up to see the awful look on his face. I couldn’t help but laugh and tell him you’re not supposed to chew it! He said “But some of the vitamins ARE chewable!” Yeah but not all of them lol.

A few minutes ago when I was still giggling about it I asked him why he didn’t spit it out or at least finish it off by swallowing it with a drink of water. He said he already started it out that way so he might as well finish it that way.

My poor little Kevin.

My MIL (God rest her soul) was a quintessential Kevina. To call her "technologically challenged" would be a compliment. I'm not talking about the stereotypical "Why is my computer slow when I have 85 Chrome tabs open." (TBH, I never trusted her to own a computer.) Her problems were much more basic.

She called me one day saying that her TV stopped working after a power outage. Now, she understood enough to know the TV would not work without power, but after the power came back on, the TV didn't. I went to her apartment, grabbed the remote, and hit the power button. the TV instantly came on. She never tried to turn it back on. She just assumed that it would come back on when the power did. A similar situation happened with her cell phone (a basic flip phone.) I hadn't heard from her in a few days, which was unusual. My wife and I went to check on her, and she told us that her phone battery died, and hadn't worked since. Once again, she knew it wouldn't work without a battery, and had fully charged the phone, but, once again, she had not even tried to turn it on. I hit the button and it powered right up. I tried getting her an iPhone because it automatically powers on when plugged it, but, no matter how many times I explained it, she could not understand the concept of a touch screen.

It wasn't just electronics either. She owned and drove a car, and the fact she never got into an accident was a major miracle. She didn't learn how to drive until her husband died when she was in her 50s. Before that time, she had never even pumped gas. The entire 10 years she drove, she never made a left turn. Ever. She would drive miles out of her way just to avoid a left turn, light or no. She never used blinkers because they "made a weird clicking noise." I got a call from her one day that she could not see anything at night. I had to show her how to turn on the headlights. (I know that some modern cars have automatic headlights, but she only ever drove one vehicle, and it never had this feature.) Another time she complained that the AC in her car wasn't working. It only blew hot. I fixed it by turning the dial from red to blue. We eventually stopped letting her drive, and the world was safer for it.

She bought a NutriBullet from an Infomercial for $150, and it sat in the original box unopened for a year and a half. When asked why she never used it, she said she didn't know how. After a year and a half, she bought another one for $250 because "this one comes with recipes!" She never used that one either.

She ended up dying from typical old-person type stuff in her 70s. The fact that she didn't die doing something ignorant is a miracle!

So a few co-workers in a different department than mine were talking together and one brings up how there is already snow in Idaho. One of them shows the other a photo on their phone and says, 'I can't believe there's already snow in Idaho. It's October!'

Now, Kevin is within earshot of this conversation and decides to chime in.

'But it's not October in Idaho yet...'

Kevin thinks states are in different months.

The other two are just flabbergasted and it takes them a moment to process what they just heard before they can tell him how wrong he is.

I have a Kevin I work with who I would call dumber than a sack of hammers, but that would be rude to the hammers.

Fairly recently at work, Kevin was approached by a customer and asked what aisle tampons are in. Not only did he not know what they are (mind you he has multiple sisters and mom is still in the home), but he proceeded to approach a teenage girl and her Dad to ask what tampons are and how you use them.

To make matters better/worse, I should also mention that he thought tampons are a type of soap.

I have more stories of this particular Kevin if y'all are interested in hearing them. This one just happens to be my favorite at the moment.

She was incredibly book-smart. Maths, chemistry, biology — absolutely spot on, straight As. She struggled with physics and English, and it puzzled her teachers as the skills she needed to pass she could obviously utilise given her grades in other subjects.

The highlights from our time were:

— She put tinfoil in the microwave, and it caught fire. She put the microwave in the kitchen sink and turned on the tap to put the fire out. While it was still plugged in.

— She was having trouble with geography and the teacher was trying to explain and failed. Eventually, the teacher resorted to basics and asked her to point north. Kevina pointed to the ceiling.

— If you asked Kevina directions, she'd have to hold her hands up to 'look for the L for left.' Fair enough, a lot of people struggle with that and use that trick. Kevina would do it with her palms facing her.

— We watched a movie together once, and about halfway through, I realised she shared her name with the main actress and pointed it out. Her reply: 'Really?! What's her name?!'

I worked with the dumbest doctor I’ve ever met. He was dumb, socially inept, lazy, a complete narcissist, and not particularly good at keeping himself clean. He truly had no redeeming qualities. Not going to give identifying details or name his specialty, but here are his top five “accomplishments”, starting with the least bad:

1: Getting lost on the way back to the unit

2: Asking WHERE the parking garage that had been under construction for months was. Not “when’s the garage opening?” or “How do I get into the garage?”; just….”Where’s the garage?”

3: talking about military history and insane pet ideas (Benedict Arnold had to commit treason because the Army wasn’t paying him enough!) instead of seeing patients

4: making insane medical decisions (not exactly what happened but think of something like putting a patient without cancer or autoimmune disorder on chemotherapy)

5: wearing other doctors’ white coats, with their names embroidered on the coats. When I suggested getting a coat with his name on it, or at least covering up the other names, he chose to cover the name….WITH CLEAR TAPE.