"What 'Family Secret' Did You Learn That Totally Shocked You?" (35 Answers)

While some secrets are better left with the people who carry them, others surely benefit from getting out into broad daylight. But generally speaking, keeping a secret of any kind is an art form of its own. First, it’s a commitment for another person, and then, it’s a responsibility that you carry along for… well, forever.

So to find out more about what it takes to keep secrets and the power of controlling what you share with others, we spoke with Dr. Audrey Tang, an award-winning author and leadership coach.

“A secret is one of the most powerful shows of trust because it can endow another with their greatest weapon against you,” she said and added that “Sadly, sometimes, we ourselves are not always discerning with who we tell; sometimes, we might not have realized that friendship was going to take that turn…” Tang explained that this is less about the ability to keep secrets and more about the person whose secrets you hold.

However, every secret comes with an aspect of forgetting. “If you remove any deliberate malice, some people sometimes simply forget what can and cannot be shared,” Tang told us. “My husband will say to me - don't tell me anything about anyone, because I will forget what I have to keep a secret. While this has actually made me a better person, it's also worth knowing that sometimes it's nothing to do with intention to cause hurt, just that some people are forgetful!”

“At a push, one might also argue that those with low impulse control may also blurt out a secret when they are not focused on their interactions, and other things which can reduce our willpower can include intoxication and even a lack of sleep, which can reduce our cognitive focus,” Tang explained.

However, when it comes to keeping secrets, the sharing is more often than not a deliberate act, Tang argues. “Some friendships are sadly hazardous to our mental health - especially if someone is deliberately choosing to tell our secrets - this can happen in a toxic friendship where perhaps jealousy or envy results in one party ‘acting out’ rather than working to develop their own strengths within themselves.”

According to Tang, “it becomes all too easy to, rather than to show acceptance of difference or even learn from that other person, try to negate that of the other or try and wield power over them.” Moreover, “Sharing someone's secret, especially one we know they might be ashamed of, is a great way to do both, and by bringing someone down (rather than working to raise ourselves up), we feel better about ourselves – and don’t need to admit we need to do something about our own insecurities,” she explained.

Tang reminds everyone that we need to think carefully about our relationships and consider the behavior of those we choose to trust. “If someone is sharing secrets with you, how long will it be before they are sharing secrets with others?”