“What’s The Most Memorable Comeback You've Heard In Your Life?”: 50 People Share Witty Stories

Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back:

This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.

The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol”

Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!”

She was a legend on the floor for that lol

A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.

My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.

My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."

Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.

“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved”

“Then shave your vagina, Bill.”

My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.

Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude b**ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."

Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”.

My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.

I overheard a toddler crying at the store. Mom, annoyed, said to him “stop crying! You sound like a little girl!”… sibling (girl) told mom: “He’s not crying like a little girl. He’s crying like a kid.”

BURRRRNNN.

My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”

My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"

My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"

I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:

Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing.

Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.

Me: The corner doesn't count.

Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*

Random guy: “Kiss my a*s!”

My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”

I like the one from Aliens where the male private asks the somewhat butch woman “have you ever been mistaken for a man?” And she answers “no. Have you?”

My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”

Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spots a really good looking girl at the bar, he announces to us all watch the master at work.

He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says " I've got the biggest d*ck you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life." The girl responds as quick as a flash " is it really big?" He says yeah

She asks if it reaches his a*s?

Him being the as**ole that he is responds "of course it does"

She comes back with "great you can go and f*ck yourself then."

He ran off like his a*s was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.

Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay.

He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it."

I thought it was perfect.

My most memorable comeback actually came from my own mouth (which is why I was memorable...)

My wife (then GF) was trying out perfumes in a store and I was trying to help, so I smelled one and presented it to my GF:

ME: 'i like this one'

HER: 'No, it's too sweet, I'll get tired of it quickly'

ME: 'you're very sweet and I'm not getting tired of tou'

Old lady passing by: 'honey, marry this one'

My best friend was being made fun of by a (straight) dude for being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, and I (a very protective friend) looked him dead in the eyes and said, "At least she can get a girl."