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In a world where personal privacy has become a rather elusive concept, the allure of secrets persists as an enigmatic force. No wonder, then, that an average person keeps about 13 secrets at a time, five of which they have never told another living soul, according to new research. But what compels individuals to keep their innermost truths shrouded in darkness?
One of the primary reasons people resort to secrecy, it turns out, is the pervasive fear of judgment. Deeply ingrained in the human psyche, this fear propels individuals to guard their unconventional thoughts and desires from the prying eyes of society - even if it results in the fall of the economy, as The Great Recession showed (thanks, Wall Street).
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According to Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and the author of 'Tell Me What You Want', one of the most popular reasons why lovers don't feel comfortable being 100% honest about their kinks and whatnot is fear that their partners won't get it or even worse - use it as a basis to call quits on the relationship.
"In my own research on sexual fantasies, I find that the single most common reason people avoid sharing their fantasies with their partners is because they expect a negative reaction," he explained to Bored Panda in an email. "They’re worried about being shamed or judged for expressing a turn-on that their partner does not share." (A recent study by OnePoll revealed that “most people hide their kinks because they’re afraid their partner will leave.”)
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"People also hide their fantasies for other reasons, such as feeling embarrassed about them or simply knowing in advance that their partner is not into the idea," Lehmiller argues, noting that "it isn’t always the case that we hide our fantasies because we’re ashamed." Some simply want to keep their kinks to themselves or know that they won't be as 'charming' in real-life as it possibly is in their sexually healthy imagination.
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Of course, there's also the self-preservation aspect of taking a secret to your grave. Whether it involves concealing personal trauma, sensitive information, or involvement in illicit activities, maintaining secrecy can be a matter of survival.
Just imagine what it must be like for those close to Jimmy Savile, the infamous BBC radio personality, who continues to face horrifying posthumous accusations to this day, to learn about his creepy quirks. Or Rose McGowan's, an American actress known for her role in the classic TV series Charmed, culty upbringing in a polygamous commune.
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But there's a whole different side to spilling beans and the nature of secret-keeping that we don't know. "When I first started presenting [The Physical Burdens of Secrecy] research to people, some people thought it was very interesting. Some were asking, 'Is this even secrecy? How can you study secrecy if you don't bring two people together in the room and have one person hide something during a conversation from the other person?'" Columbia University professor Michael Slepian, a leading expert on the psychology of secrets, told Bored Panda.
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"At a certain point, I realized none of the studies on secrecy looked at people's real secrets." This revelation served as Slepian's eureka moment, motivating him to author numerous research papers, articles, and a highly acclaimed best-seller titled 'The Secret Life of Secrets.' Through his extensive body of work, he explored the enigmatic nature of secrets and shed light on the immense weight carried by individuals who guard them.
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"My early studies had people think about significant secrets and then they made judgments that we know vary with actually being burdened, physically encumbered. So when we're burdened for any reason - we're tired, we're out of shape; a distance might look farther, a hill might look steep because it actually requires more effort on your behalf," he explained.
And sure enough, when individuals contemplated their own secrets, Slepian and his team discovered that their circumstances became more arduous to navigate. In a sense, their secrets were indeed exerting a weight upon them at that specific moment, making their interactions and experiences more challenging.
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Turns out, trying to keep the beans from spilling isn't what takes a great toll on our minds but thinking about them when you're on your own. "The largest harm is the more you think about your secrets outside of conversations, the more your secrets hurt you. Essentially all the harm seems to be based on thinking about a secret on your own time. And very, very little of the harm seems to come from having to conceal a secret in a social interaction," Slepian said, noting that statistically, questions about the thing you're keeping as a secret don't come up as often as we'd like to think.