A well-timed joke can often be the perfect pick-me-up for the brain. An amusing little nugget that tickles your mind which you can share with others in the future. But, let's face it, if someone comes up to you and says “Tell me a joke!” most of us would just draw a blank.
Someone in need of a laugh asked the internet “What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?” and netizens shared their best examples. So prepare a notepad and something to write with, get comfortable, upvote your favorites, and be sure to share your own best jokes in the comments below.
#21
A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney.
He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.
After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.
The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”
The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”
The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
69points
#22
A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.
“Yes doctor I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately no one can hear them or smell them. In fact I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you.”
The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.”
“The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.”
68points
#23
A guy is skydiving. He pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. He pulls the reserve and nothing happens.
He is beginning to panic when he notices a guy coming up towards him at an alarming rate. He shouts ‘Do you know anything about parachutes?’.
Guy answers, ‘No… do you know anything about gas BBQs?’.
61points
#24
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."
59points
#25
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: OK, first, what's the good news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I can't imagine what the bad news is going to be.
Doctor: I forgot to phone you yesterday.
54points
#26
An Orangutan is sitting in his enclosure in the zoo. In one hand he has the Holy Bible; in the other, Darwin’s On the Origin of Species. “I can’t figure it out” he thinks; “one says I’m my brother’s keeper, and the other says I’m my keeper’s brother!”
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54points
#27
A guy goes to confession and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing and I used the “F” word. The priest says, “tell me about it, my son”. The man says, I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left”. The priest says, “oh, you must have said it then”. The man said, “no, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.” The priest says, “and then what happened?” The man said, “I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right” . The priest says, “so that’s when you said it?” The man says “no, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough”. So the priest says, “oh, so that’s when you said it, then”. He said, “no, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup” There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, “don’t tell me you missed that f*****g putt…”
51points
#28
I am 74 years old now and my baby brother is 8 years younger (which makes him 66…I think, lol).
When he was about 4 years old, he whispered to me he had a dirty joke to tell me. I was shocked because our New England household — although loving — was very rigid. (Never even saw my parents kiss.)
Anyway, back to the joke. I asked him what it was. He whispered,
TARZAN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
TARZAN LOSE HIS UNDERWEAR
TARZAN SAY, ME NO CARE
JANE MAKE ME ANOTHER PAIR!
TARZAN LOSE HIS UNDERWEAR
TARZAN SAY, ME NO CARE
JANE MAKE ME ANOTHER PAIR!
JANE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
JANE LOSE HER UNDERWEAR
JANE SAY, ME NO CARE
TARZAN LIKE ME BETTER BARE!
JANE LOSE HER UNDERWEAR
JANE SAY, ME NO CARE
TARZAN LIKE ME BETTER BARE!
Ok, I know it’s lame, but whenever I think of my brother when he was about 4 years old and how cute he was thinking he was telling his big sis the dirtiest joke ever, it cracks me up!
And we still laugh over it.
51points
#29
A polar bear was driving along the road when his car broke down. He called the recovery service who arrived within a short time. The mechanic said he would need about an hour to fix it. The polar bear walked to the nearest supermarket, where he bought himself an ice-cream. He ate it as he walked back to the car, but smeared some of it around his mouth.
As he got back to the car, the mechanic looks up at the polar bear and says 'it looks like you've blown a seal'. The polar bear looks embarrassed, wipes his mouth, and says 'No I haven't, it's just ice-cream’!
45points
#30
A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other. He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on."
"So he orders seven beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, five beers and drinks them, and then finally four beers. After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:
"So he orders seven beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, five beers and drinks them, and then finally four beers. After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:
'I don’t understand this. The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.'
44points