Every relationship has its ups and downs. Partners may have disagreements about whose family to spend the holidays with, how much money is a reasonable amount to spend on video games, and where the perfect place in their apartment is for that one adorable cactus. It’s completely natural to have arguments with your partner or spouse, as this means that you care about the relationship and you’re willing to express how you feel about what’s important to you. But there is a healthy way to work through conflicts, and if every day in your relationship is leaving you feeling more drained than a 40-hour work week, there might be a problem.
That’s why it’s nice to have people you can turn to for support, or to talk through your relationship issues with. And if you’re not regularly seeing a therapist and it’s challenging to get time in your busy friends’ schedules, groups like This Relationship Sounds Exhausting can be a godsend. This Facebook group is described as “a place we gather to discuss love, life, and happiness”, and provides a space for members to post memes, anonymous/support posts, and relationship questions/polls. We all know what it feels like to need to vent or seek advice about our relationships, so this Facebook page, which has amassed an impressive 75k members in just two years, can be the perfect place to do so.
To learn more about This Relationship Sounds Exhausting, we reached out to Alan, one of the group's administrators, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. "The group has a profound personal significance to me," he shared. "I grew up in a loveless, abusive home with higher-functioning autism. Love and relationships never made sense to me. The group is a platform where I am able to both learn from, and share my own experiences. The growth of the group has been breathtaking, and it's fantastic to see the positive impact we've had on some couples who finally took the courage to leave abusive ('exhausting') situations."
Alan also added that the group's members are quite active. "The community is highly engaged, and will not hesitate at calling out 'exhausting' relationships/partners. We're proud to have grown a supportive community."
We were also curious what Alan considers an "exhausting" relationship. "I feel that most couples don't realize that the best relationships are good at sharing very frequent complaints within the relationship," he told Bored Panda. "To steal a line from Hannah Fry, a mathematician, 'The most successful relationships are ones with a really low negativity threshold. In those relationships, couples allow each other to complain, and work together to constantly repair the tiny issues between them'," Alan continued, noting the importance of open and honest communication. "Fun fact: It takes about 5 positive feelings to be 'equivalent' to 1 negative feeling, within a relationship."
There are many things that might make a relationship feel emotionally exhausting. To learn more about this topic, we checked out this article from Bonobology where psychologist Shambhavi Agrawal broke down some of the reasons behind one of these exhausting relationships. First, she mentions that unrealistic expectations might be a contributing factor. “When a partner has expectations that you are not able to fulfill, or vice versa, there’s a very obvious misalignment in your dynamic,” she told Bonobology. “When there is a mismatch between both partners about what’s expected and what can be delivered, it can lead to a lot of emotional exhaustion.”
Toxic scenarios where unhealthy behavior like gaslighting is taking place can also make your relationship feel way more tiring than it should. “When a person has some narcissistic traits, gaslighting will end up causing a lot of mental harm to you,” Shambhavi explained. “Perhaps they’re overly dependent on you and it’s taking a negative toll on your mental health. This type of dynamic is bound to turn into an emotionally draining relationship.”
Shambhavi goes on to note that our intrapersonal relationships can also play a part in how exhausting our romantic relationships are. When we are unhappy in our own skin, it’s very unlikely that we’ll be able to create a healthy relationship with another person. “For example, a person may be grieving, or they may not have a good financial structure, or they might be going through prolonged stress,” Shambhavi explained to Bonobology. “If such a person is in a relationship, they’ll tend to lean on their partner for support and functionality. But if their partner is equally involved in their own engagements or struggling with their own issues, it’s bound to result in an emotionally exhausting relationship.”
And when it comes to some of the signs of an exhausting relationship, one of the top indicators is that a fight might be waiting around every corner. If you’re scared to bring up certain topics or to spend too much time with your partner because you anticipate that a fight will break out, that’s not a great sign. Do you have to walk on eggshells around your significant other? Or do you feel like every little thing they do is a personal attack against you? Relationships should not be this stressful.
Oftentimes, individuals who are in emotionally exhausting relationships might start experiencing self-esteem issues as well, but they may not be aware of the cause initially. “When you’re constantly trying to prove your love to somebody and they haven’t been approving of it, your self-esteem is going to decline. It may leave you feeling unmotivated and riddled with insecurities,” Shambhavi told Bonobology. In a healthy relationship, your partner will ensure that you feel like enough, providing you love, affirmation and affection. But when we are deprived of these things, it’s easy to start to wonder if we deserve them at all. If your partner ever makes you feel that way, pandas, know that you deserve better.
Another sign that there might be an issue in your relationship is if you find yourself wanting to be alone, rather than wanting to be with your partner, a little bit too often. It’s completely natural to desire some space and time for yourself, especially for those of us who are introverted, but if you find yourself trying to avoid your partner or desperately wanting to be alone, that’s a problem. Why be in a relationship with someone if they make you feel so exhausted that you find yourself looking forward to the times when they’re not around?
If you have found yourself in an emotionally exhausting relationship but you’re not ready to call it quits yet, the relationship might not be doomed. If both parties are willing to put in the work to adopt healthier habits and take the time and energy required to improve the relationship, it can be saved. To gain some insight on how to repair an emotionally draining relationship, we consulted this article from Rachael Pace at Marriage.com. She first recommends that anyone in this situation works hard to evaluate the problem. Issues don’t magically disappear without being addressed, so after identifying them, couples must work to communicate how they feel about them. Make sure you both have the opportunity to share and listen. You have to both feel safe to explain your side.
