I have always hated being given unsolicited advice. If I ask for your opinion, I will welcome what you have to say. But if I haven’t opened up the floor for others to share feedback, I’m probably not interested. Especially if you want to be extremely patronizing!
One curious Reddit user asked others to share the most condescending advice they’ve ever received, and people did not disappoint. From strangers making assumptions about anything from a person’s income to their physical strength, we’ve gathered the most infuriating stories below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Modern Therapy's Gabriela Ortiz, LPC, and be sure to upvote the condescending tips that would make you roll your eyes!
#1
My mom runs into this all the time. No specific examples exactly, but people will talk down to her or treat her badly because all they see is a jobless single mom on disability. What they don't know is she got her undergraduate summa cum laude, and then her MALS from Dartmouth College while she was pregnant with me. This was while being married to a toxic, abusive jerk and struggling with physical and mental health issues. She is my hero and I'm very proud of her.
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262points
#2
I'm a film producer. I look 20yo but I'm significantly older and more experienced than I look. I'm also a woman which can get you mixed results on the best of days.
On set, I just type away at my laptop and do menial work just to make sure all the holes are plugged up and no one is s******g the bed. I guess one camera assist saw this and thought I was a PA. His response was to flash me a handbook for the fancy camera we were using and tell me to "read up, so you'll actually learn something". I asked him what the f**k he thought I was doing, asked his name, and made it clear that I paid his bills.
On set, I just type away at my laptop and do menial work just to make sure all the holes are plugged up and no one is s******g the bed. I guess one camera assist saw this and thought I was a PA. His response was to flash me a handbook for the fancy camera we were using and tell me to "read up, so you'll actually learn something". I asked him what the f**k he thought I was doing, asked his name, and made it clear that I paid his bills.
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213points
#3
Gig night, still a few bands to go before we go on stage. I'm at the bar checking people out and having beers, because stuff's boring. Guy comes up to me, sees my band shirt, doesn't recognize me (which is totally OK, I like it better that way), proceeds to nag my ears of about our music, trying real hard to go into technical musicalities, which again, is OK, you do you.
Up until the point where he slams one of my songs, saying he doesn't get why the f**k it's in F# minor. I tell him he must be mistaken, because the song is very much in A minor. Douche says "Um, you obviously don't have the necessary musical capabilities to recognize the correct tonality when you hear it. Come back when you've actually taken some music lessons."
B***h. I wrote the thing. It's in A minor. I've been playing it for years. In A minor.
Up until the point where he slams one of my songs, saying he doesn't get why the f**k it's in F# minor. I tell him he must be mistaken, because the song is very much in A minor. Douche says "Um, you obviously don't have the necessary musical capabilities to recognize the correct tonality when you hear it. Come back when you've actually taken some music lessons."
B***h. I wrote the thing. It's in A minor. I've been playing it for years. In A minor.
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195points
To learn more about condescending behavior and where it comes from, we reached out to Modern Therapy's Gabriela Ortiz, LPC, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.
"Condescending behaviors can be a defense mechanism used by individuals who have insecurities, are afraid to show vulnerability, or want to assert superiority (due to underlying feelings of inferiority)," Gabriela shared. "Individuals with condescending behaviors might use this as a method to draw attention away from their own insecurities or gain a sense of control in social interactions."
#4
I studied music and guitar making for years, which means that I know how to use a band saw, and many other wood tools. I can literally make a guitar out of a bunch of logs.
Everytime I meet a guy who plays guitar he tries to explain me how it works and how it’s made and even after I tell them that I’m a guitar maker, they still try to prove that they know better. (I’m a girl)
Same when I say anything related to wood working, nobody will take it seriously. I was often told to “go back in the kitchen”...
Everytime I meet a guy who plays guitar he tries to explain me how it works and how it’s made and even after I tell them that I’m a guitar maker, they still try to prove that they know better. (I’m a girl)
Same when I say anything related to wood working, nobody will take it seriously. I was often told to “go back in the kitchen”...
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168points
#5
I chose to live with my parents even after I finished my education and had the means to move out on my own because my mother was always ill and needed the help. An acquaintance mentioned to me one time at a party in front of everyone that she earns 65,000 a year which is why she's able to live on her own and I should aim for a salary like that so I could "finally be self-sufficient" - I smiled at her.
I was making 6 figures.
I was making 6 figures.
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163points
#6
This happened a week ago.
I'm a 30 year old woman and I manage a grocery store. Our store got lucky and we were chosen to host a hiring event for assistant department managers because our office is a bit bigger than most of the stores in the area. An older guy was peering at the meat counter and I walked up to him and asked him if he needed help because I didnt see anybody behind the counter and he said, "I doubt it. I'm waiting for my interview for assistant manager and I have an insane amount of experience."
He then spots the meat department manager behind me (who happens to be another guy in his 40s) and dismisses me entirely.
I shrug it off and head to the back to get the interviews started.
Guess who my first interviewee was?
I'm a 30 year old woman and I manage a grocery store. Our store got lucky and we were chosen to host a hiring event for assistant department managers because our office is a bit bigger than most of the stores in the area. An older guy was peering at the meat counter and I walked up to him and asked him if he needed help because I didnt see anybody behind the counter and he said, "I doubt it. I'm waiting for my interview for assistant manager and I have an insane amount of experience."
He then spots the meat department manager behind me (who happens to be another guy in his 40s) and dismisses me entirely.
I shrug it off and head to the back to get the interviews started.
Guess who my first interviewee was?
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156points
Gabriela also noted that we often assume that condescending people intend to insult and hurt others, but in reality, it can also be done unintentionally. "This is because people who condescend have little to no self-awareness of why they're even doing it in the first place. They lack the consciousness of monitoring themselves to learn healthier ways of confronting their insecurities," the counselor explained. "Therefore, they often do not realize that their behavior is problematic and hurtful to others."
#7
God every time I tell people I work from home as a romance author. You can see in their faces they mentally adjust my IQ to something significantly below zero. I then get to listen to their oh so original ideas for the novel they’re either going to write when they retire, or have been “working on” for the past 5+ years. Men especially love to give me writing tips and advice and suggestions.
I’ve been writing for 20 years. I’m very niche (queer fantasy romance) but good at what I do and popular in my tiny circle. I seldom make less than 5k a month and have several awards to my name. But thanks for the advice, bro.
I’ve been writing for 20 years. I’m very niche (queer fantasy romance) but good at what I do and popular in my tiny circle. I seldom make less than 5k a month and have several awards to my name. But thanks for the advice, bro.
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141points
#8
Not exactly a normal answer but...
I’m a stripper. I’ve been working as a stripper for almost five years. The club I work at is very alternative so most of the time I wear converse, which actually makes me more approachable and popular.
New girl (I mean new to dancing not just the club) told me that if I really wanted to make money I should “grow up and wear some heels.” I get this pretty often.
I’m consistently the top earner at our club. She lasted less than a month.
I’m a stripper. I’ve been working as a stripper for almost five years. The club I work at is very alternative so most of the time I wear converse, which actually makes me more approachable and popular.
New girl (I mean new to dancing not just the club) told me that if I really wanted to make money I should “grow up and wear some heels.” I get this pretty often.
I’m consistently the top earner at our club. She lasted less than a month.
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137points
#9
A lady at an office job I had for a short time saw that I was new and decided to try to teach me how to copy and paste on the computer since "we use it a lot". She got mad and accused me of "not listening to her" when I did it by using ctrl+c / ctrl+v instead of her method, which was Edit>Copy, put cursor in desired spot, then Edit>Paste. She wanted me to do it again, so I did ctrl+z to undo everything we had just done. Got mad and started screaming at me "UNDO!!! UNDO!!!" not realizing I had literally just done that, since the only correct way is Edit>Undo!!
She then brought in a younger person to teach me how to set up my email signature. I simply went to the icon that had a dropdown that said "Edit Signature" or something similar and brought up the window. The younger person said "No, that's the wrong one, let me show you where it is" and went through at least 3 different menus only to get to the exact same window. She insisted that was the right one and denied it was the exact same one.
The older lady brought the younger lady in to teach me because "she's the best here at computers". They both got mad at me for "not listening". Older lady went to complain to my supervisor about my unwillingness to learn how to use the computer. I was only in that job while I waited to hear back from developer jobs.
She then brought in a younger person to teach me how to set up my email signature. I simply went to the icon that had a dropdown that said "Edit Signature" or something similar and brought up the window. The younger person said "No, that's the wrong one, let me show you where it is" and went through at least 3 different menus only to get to the exact same window. She insisted that was the right one and denied it was the exact same one.
The older lady brought the younger lady in to teach me because "she's the best here at computers". They both got mad at me for "not listening". Older lady went to complain to my supervisor about my unwillingness to learn how to use the computer. I was only in that job while I waited to hear back from developer jobs.
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132points
We were curious about the impact that condescending behavior can have on people as well. "Condescending advice limits their overall relationship with others. It can create miscommunication with others, undermines their confidence, promotes defensiveness/dismissiveness, and hinders growth," Gabriela says. "Some people might ignore this type of behavior, but others may also respond argumentatively, sarcastically, use humor, or passively accept the behavior."
#10
There was a time in my life when I was working 100-115 hours a week. 2 full time jobs, roughnecking and welding.
My dog got really sick during this time. So I was in the vets office waiting on the vet, holding my dog.
Had a guy in a suit walk out with his dog, took one look at me and said, “son, if you’d lay off the d***s and ate a little more life wouldn’t be so hard.”
F**k that guy.
And it wasn’t like I was skeletal or anything. Skinny for my frame, sure. But not skeletal.
My dog got really sick during this time. So I was in the vets office waiting on the vet, holding my dog.
Had a guy in a suit walk out with his dog, took one look at me and said, “son, if you’d lay off the d***s and ate a little more life wouldn’t be so hard.”
F**k that guy.
And it wasn’t like I was skeletal or anything. Skinny for my frame, sure. But not skeletal.
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126points
#11
I was 16 and working a retail part time job after highschool hours, so it was like 5pm. A 30s something woman came in with their 10 ish year old child and said "see honey, this is why you stay in school and go to college, so you don't end up like her." Then she came up to me and said "I'd advise you to stay in school but clearly your parents didn't raise you well enough.".
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117points
#12
I managed to try to explain variance is swing time to one of the worlds greatest Jazz drummers on Instagram. In my defense he asked a very basic question and I didn’t know who he was. I was definitely not condescending but still feel like an idiot for trying to explain a basic concept to one of the greatest jazz drummers of our time.
He was VERY cool about it. I had a lot of people clowning me and I deserved it.
He was VERY cool about it. I had a lot of people clowning me and I deserved it.
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109points
If you're wondering how to respond to condescending people to protect yourself and your mental health, Gabriela says that you first have to notice that someone is being condescending towards you. "Then you pause and tell yourself that it is not about you," she shared.
"This will remind you to stay calm to avoid escalating the situation. It is very important to stay calm so that you can respond logically rather than react based on your emotion," Gabriela continued. "You can then ignore the person so that you can detach from the situation, acknowledge the advice (without fully agreeing, which can defuse tension), express your feelings politely, or redirect the conversation."
#13
"Honey, do you know what a millwright is?" Asked some guy after I told him what I did for my job (as a millwright).
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109points
#14
I was admiring a Steinway concert grand piano on display in a hotel lobby.
Not realizing that I had advanced degrees in music and that I was a professional pianist, a woman said (with her nose in the air), "Work hard and save up your money - maybe some day you'll learn how to play.".
Not realizing that I had advanced degrees in music and that I was a professional pianist, a woman said (with her nose in the air), "Work hard and save up your money - maybe some day you'll learn how to play.".
108points
#15
After graduating college I took a part time job at a bar to help pay off student debt and buy some snazzy car parts. This was on top of my full time well paying tech job.
Someone made a mess in the men’s room and I was tasked to clean it up. As I’m doing that one of the patrons looks at me and says “you know if you’d have gone to school you could be doing better than this”. “Yeah I did go to school, and I have a great job in a related field, and I’m here paying off my debt in advance. But I’ll remember that hot tip, thanks”.
Someone made a mess in the men’s room and I was tasked to clean it up. As I’m doing that one of the patrons looks at me and says “you know if you’d have gone to school you could be doing better than this”. “Yeah I did go to school, and I have a great job in a related field, and I’m here paying off my debt in advance. But I’ll remember that hot tip, thanks”.
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107points
Gabriela says you can also question a condescending individual about their behavior or use statements such as the following: "So what I am hearing is ______, did I understand that? Let me take a moment to rephrase what you said because I don't believe you intended to talk down to me. Did you realize that what you said hurt?"
"It is important to always remind yourself that it is not about you, and if you can try to have some empathy for these individuals, it can help redirect your own thoughts and prevent you from feeling any less than others," the counselor says.
#16
I bartend so I get a lot of that s**t. It used to annoy me because it was always unsolicited. I understand it though especially from people who have never been a bartender before so they don’t understand how much money you can make.
One time though I actually had to laugh at that guy. He was a regular and came in for lunch with his employees atleast twice a week. Friendly bunch and always tipped well. We started talking about the kind of work they did and what not. They had a small company that did residential electrical work. Said that I should come by and drop a resume off if I ever wanted to get a “real” job. I entertained him and asked about pay, hours, benefits etc. he then told me I could start out at $11 an hour and with in a year or two be up to $14 an hour. Which isn’t terrible. But it was the way he said it that pissed me off.
Normally I don’t tell patrons what I make but this time I had to because he was coming off like he’d be doing me a huge favor. So I told him thanks but no thanks, even at $15 an hour I’d be taking a 50% pay cut. Sure there were benefits which he reminded me of but I’m sorry. $15 at 40hrs a week is $600 before taxes, I could make that in less than two shifts.
One time though I actually had to laugh at that guy. He was a regular and came in for lunch with his employees atleast twice a week. Friendly bunch and always tipped well. We started talking about the kind of work they did and what not. They had a small company that did residential electrical work. Said that I should come by and drop a resume off if I ever wanted to get a “real” job. I entertained him and asked about pay, hours, benefits etc. he then told me I could start out at $11 an hour and with in a year or two be up to $14 an hour. Which isn’t terrible. But it was the way he said it that pissed me off.
Normally I don’t tell patrons what I make but this time I had to because he was coming off like he’d be doing me a huge favor. So I told him thanks but no thanks, even at $15 an hour I’d be taking a 50% pay cut. Sure there were benefits which he reminded me of but I’m sorry. $15 at 40hrs a week is $600 before taxes, I could make that in less than two shifts.
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92points
#17
I finished uni and starred working as a nurse in an operating theatre. I was only 21 at the time and male so everyone assumed I was an orderly and not an RN. First day an older lady who was an orderly starts giving me advice on how to do really basic things and bossing me around. I didn't let her in on my secret. Just let her go on in her condescending way. Boy did she get her nose out of joint when they let the new orderly scrub in for an op. She really was a b***h.
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84points
#18
A former boss when I was waitressing told me that I "don't have the right temperment to be an accountant".
I've been an accountant for 25 years now.
I've been an accountant for 25 years now.
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83points
#19
I was the cadet (intern) on a container ship. The captain liked good coffee, and our order didn’t show up before we left for a pretty remote part of the world. He handed me $2,000 from the safe and sent me to Starbucks.
I’m a dirty 18 year old kid, haven’t shaved or gotten a haircut in two months, wearing work boots. I walk into Starbucks and ask if they’ll take 100s. Manager thinks this is some kind of joke. I tell her I need a bunch of coffee. We go back and forth, she tells me to leave the store, and there is a short line forming behind us, she just can’t take me seriously.
I put 2g’s on the counter and said “please convert this into coffee beans.”
She was shocked.
I’m a dirty 18 year old kid, haven’t shaved or gotten a haircut in two months, wearing work boots. I walk into Starbucks and ask if they’ll take 100s. Manager thinks this is some kind of joke. I tell her I need a bunch of coffee. We go back and forth, she tells me to leave the store, and there is a short line forming behind us, she just can’t take me seriously.
I put 2g’s on the counter and said “please convert this into coffee beans.”
She was shocked.
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80points
#20
I posted this like a year ago:
So I was at a bar with a friend of mine and we got to talking with this girl who was there on her twenty first birthday. We congratulate her and buy her a round.
Shortly thereafter we get into a conversation about the peopling PEOPLING of South America. She then, incredibly arrogantly, explains that there were people there and that I'm white washing history. I explain, again, that I'm not, and that there were no human beings there until they migrated there at a time we're still trying to figure out.
No she insists, these invaders wiped out the indigenous populations.
No, I say, that happened thousands of years later.
She accuses me of mansplaining. I'm like, at a loss, and am like "ok well I'm sorry." She yells at my friend (female) and is like "how are you friends with him?" And is like "God what do you even do, like, sell f*****g stocks?"
I'm a geographer.
So I was at a bar with a friend of mine and we got to talking with this girl who was there on her twenty first birthday. We congratulate her and buy her a round.
Shortly thereafter we get into a conversation about the peopling PEOPLING of South America. She then, incredibly arrogantly, explains that there were people there and that I'm white washing history. I explain, again, that I'm not, and that there were no human beings there until they migrated there at a time we're still trying to figure out.
No she insists, these invaders wiped out the indigenous populations.
No, I say, that happened thousands of years later.
She accuses me of mansplaining. I'm like, at a loss, and am like "ok well I'm sorry." She yells at my friend (female) and is like "how are you friends with him?" And is like "God what do you even do, like, sell f*****g stocks?"
I'm a geographer.
76points