“I Don’t Have The Crayons”: 50 Of The Very Best Insults To Humble Folks Who’re Asking For It

“Oh I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?”
I heard that in a video and laugh every time I think about it.

In my younger days, I was often questioned- “ You are young, pretty and have a great job. Why are you not married?”
And I would always respond….
“Well, I have not met a man that deserves to be that happy.” 😊

Seen in Irish Pub;
“I am somewhat of a bullsh**ter myself, but occasionally I enjoy listening to an expert. Please, carry on”.

I admire your confidence. If I were that consistently wrong, I don’t think I’d have the courage to keep talking.

My husband was being relentlessly hit on by a nasty woman and she wanted his phone number (after he tried to tell her he was married - so was she apparently) so he says “do you have a pen?” To which she replies “sure!” and tried to hand it to him … he says “good, you should probably get back to it before the farmer notices you’re missing” 🤣 heh heh 🐷

A favorite line from Shakespeare “I do desire that we should be better strangers”.

Them: "You look better without your glasses on"
Me: You look better without my glasses on, too. ☺️

"What an odd thing to say out loud".

When I was 9 months pregnant, I went looking for my favorite snacky snack (Cadbury mini eggs) and my husband had eaten all of them. I just looked him dead in the eyes and said “…no jury on earth would convict me…”
After a long awkward pause we both laughed. But my laugh wasn’t the same as his laugh… 😐

When someone makes a cruel/insensitive joke, pretend not to understand so they have to explain it. "Huh? I don't get it. Can you elaborate?"

I was out in the community with a bunch of adults with special needs.
Very old woman: Back in my day, we kept people like that in cages.
Me: Back in my day, we kept people like you in nursing homes.

I work in a call center, my go to once someone starts cussing me out is, "Wow, this must be a very frustrating situation to take it out on a complete stranger."

Nurse with 25 years experience to the intern mansplaining her job to her:
"Wow look that was so interesting! And you with your training wheels and shiny new stethoscope, I'm so proud!"

My daughter(5 at the time) told a bald man with a wrinkled scalp, "I can tell you're really smart, because I can see your brain on the outside!" He was clutching pearls and laughing at the same time. He still remembers this, 2 years later.

1. Poor planning on your part is not an emergency on mine.
2. Changing the volume of your argument doesn't make it the right thing to say.

I was a cashier at Lowe’s home improvement and customers would sometimes be rude or make offhanded remarks (DIY can be stressful, but it’s not my fault!)… I would smile, look them dead in the eye, and sweetly say, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” And maintain eye contact. Not really an insult, but most people can’t be jerks to your face. 🤣

My fave i got in trouble in school for. Lazy girl in theatre didn’t want to help paint. She said she was allergic to latex. I yelled if you were allergic to latex you’d have like 5 kids by now. I got called into the office but my professor thought it was funny.

I would explain it for you but I don't have the crayons..

I had a 3month old baby and Someone once made a remark about my wobbly stomach. I replied “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”

“I’m surprised that you thought that was an appropriate thing to say.”