“Couldn’t Possibly Be Bears”: 45 People Who Discovered That They Were Dating Idiots

They put shrimp in my food to see if I am really allergic to seafood or just being
" dramatic."

Anaphylaxis occurred, epi-pen deployed, ambulance trip. The hospital suggested I press charges.

They never admitted it was the wrong thing to do. They never apologized.

This was way back when (in the 90s), but a dude invited me back to his place for dinner, said he'd make scallops. I love seafood, so heck yeah!

That boy made Betty Crocker Scalloped Potatoes. Yeah, from a box.

He didn't even make them well, either. They were still funky and crunchy in the middle!

*But.......*

I met his roommate that day, and he and I've been married for almost 30 years, so it wasn't a total loss.

She said that the temperature in her house never changed, so she couldn't understand why she was always hot/cold.

She had never taken the packaging off of the digital thermometer, so she was just looking at a sticker that said 72 degrees.

He kept littering. I really hate littering. The day he spit his gum out on the sidewalk of a zoo I called him out on it. He says "It will evaporate". I laughed and said "Thats funny but no seriously you should just use the trash can.". He gave me a confused look. Thats when I realized he was serious. He was so convinced that trash evaporates in the sun we had a full on debate about it.

Edit: The f*****g idiot was me because I stayed with him for 3 years after that.

Had a boy try to convince me that he didn't need to use a condom because I couldn't get pregnant while he was taking antibiotics. (Would have been the first time we got physical, I noped out when he would not tell me why he was taking them- I still think I dodged a bullet).

In my early 20’s, I started living with my boyfriend at the time. I got my period and he demanded to know what I had done with the egg.

Folks, this 21-year-old man, whose mother was a nurse, who had a sister that had just given birth to twins, thought that human women LAID AN EGG when they had their period.

I took her out to dinner, gave her two options: an Italian restaurant or just like a regular restaurant where they served all kinds of stuff. She said she really hated Italian food, so we went to the regular restaurant. Where she ordered a lasagna.

I have an Ex-wife who pretends to be allergic to chocolate (spoiler alert, she isn't), and one year for my birthday we went out to eat with all my friends and family.   

  I offered her some of my coconut shrimp, which she gladly accepted. 4 seconds later, she made a terrible "RRRUuUgggGgHHhhH!" sound and spat the chewed shrimp onto the table. As loud as she could, she said "Was that COCONUT SHRIMP?!?"    

 "Yes" I replied.   

"Coconut???  COCONUT???..." She shouted, and was met with blank stares. "COCOA-Nut?!?" She hollered, trying very hard to embarrass me in front of everyone I know.   

 Once the laughter died down, I asked her if she really thought there was Cocoa in Coconut. We're divorced now, thankfully. .

We had a heated debate about whether or not dinosaurs were alive during the American Revolution. Her stance was ‘there’s really no way to know’.

We were in the forest discussing a possible pregnancy scare. She wanted to 'knock on wood'.

She walked up to a tree and asked me "This is made of wood, right?"

Bless her heart,

(Thank God she wasn't pregnant....).

In college, I dated this guy who was nice but kind of dumb. And he had some bizarre personal habits around the house, the worst of which was the fact that he only owned one towel and he rarely washed it, like once every couple months. It hung in his bathroom as stiff as sheet metal and as a rough as a cats tongue.

So, for Christmas, I bought him two more bath towels, a hand towel, and several washcloths. When he opened it, he looked quietly at it for a second, like a goat looking at a new fence, and said, “but I already *have* a towel…”

he was genuinely puzzled as to why anyone would own more than one towel since “it gets cleaner every time you use it.”.

Got in a big fight with my girlfriend at the time because I saw a bear crossing sign and thought it was worth pointing out. She called me an idiot because there was no way there were possibly bears in Michigan. I reminded her that we were going to the Sleeping *Bear* Dunes. That made us discuss if there were bears in our hometown (also in MI). I said yes. She said there couldn't possibly be bears in our hometown and I'm stupid for thinking that. We got in some ridiculous fight about how she can't date an idiot. A week later, a car accident happened less than a mile from her house where the car hit a bear. I sent her the news article, and that's when another fight started.

We watched Shrek and she didn't believe that the guy who voiced Shrek was the same guy who played Austin Powers because "their accents aren't the same."

I explained that it was the same actor doing different voices. She couldn't fathom it.

When I told her that Austin Powers' voice wasn't the actor's real voice either, that was too much for her to handle.

After almost 6 months I finally decided I could introduce him to my extremely judgy friend group. Sitting at the bar having a great time. My friend whispers “he’s a keeper” I’m thrilled they get along.

Not even a minute later while talking he states out of no where “well the earth is flat” and that he knows because “YouTube “

I sailed the globe in the Navy, my friend is a long haul pilot and he just kept referring to YouTube.

Thought he was being funny, he was serious. Took him home, dropped him off and never saw him again.

So. Still single!

My Hispanic date said she would never marry a black guy because she didn’t want to have Puerto Rican kids. Edit: she wasn’t joking.

My period arrived when we were at dinner and he asked me to ‘hold it’.

College girlfriend who was not a fully-functioning adult.  Zero life skills.  Got a flat tire while driving alone, stood by the car acting helpless until a guy stopped and offered to help.  He changed it, but unbeknownst to her had set the parking brake.  She gets in her car and it won't go anywhere because the parking brake was set.  She runs out of the car and asks the guy, "my car won't go, did you put the wheel on backwards?"  No s**t, she actually told everybody about it.

She thought i didnt actually have a gluten sensitivity and was just being a picky eater so she told me she had ordered a gluten sensitive alternative to a food i wanted but actually didnt and watched me eat it to catch me lying. i ended up in the hospital, in a foreign country on the other side of the world.

three weeks later i got diagnosed with celiac and she lost a girlfriend.

I came home and she was upset about a news story she watched earlier about a new method of execution being approved in... I forget where, like Ohio or something.

She proceeded to explain the process, where one a person sits on the seat it automatically activates a grabber arm, which has a topical anesthetic applied to each prong to "numb the area to make it totally painless" before it twists their head off.  There was more to it, but we got about 30 seconds in to her explanation when it was clear this isn't a thing.  

I tried to reassure her of that, which led to an argument and her eventually sending me the video in question.

This was a video from The Onion.  This was clearly not real, and not even clever satire, it was just dumb.   

Even then I tried laughing it off and showing her where it was from and what they do, and she still persisted.  It's the news, and they can't just make things up.

I left her that week.

When my ex decided to dine and dash but was stupid enough to leave his car in the parking lot of the place i picked him up from.....

drove him back took his wallet and made him pay the full tab and tipped the poor girl who was crying in the back $30.