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"When we are unable to find folks who will treat us the way we deserve to be treated, we will accept poor treatment from others," Professor Degges-White, from Northern Illinois University, detailed to Bored Panda why some people accept being treated poorly by others.
"Unfortunately, folks who grow up in abusive families learn to equate abusive behaviors with love or acceptance. Thus, they will tolerate pretty awful behavior from people that say that they love them or care about them—even when these people's actions show otherwise," the expert said.
"Sometimes, a person will decide that any 'friend' is better than no friends and allow themselves to be walked all over. Unfortunately, research indicates that a rocky or combative relationship is worse for a person's well-being and health than no relationship, actually," she said that being alone is, in fact, scientifically proven to be better than in a bad relationship.
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"When a person is spending all of their 'friendship energy' trying to please a 'friend,' that's a sign that the relationship is out of balance and is a cause for concern. If you're willing to sacrifice your pride, your assets, or well-being for a friend who is unwilling to invest in the relationship in an equivalent manner, whatever that might be, it's a time to re-evaluate your perspective and the relationship," the professor warned.
Professor Degges-White said that trust is one of the most essential ingredients in any healthy relationship. When broken, trust is extremely difficult to rebuild. And some of us go through life assuming that others are just as trustworthy as we are.
"When a friend has violated our trust, our need for that friend often dictates how quickly we're able to 'forgive and forget' or at least 'move on' from the incident. To rebuild trust can take time—we may need to give another person several opportunities to show that they can indeed be trusted. If we want a person in our lives, and they have let us down, we are often willing to start anew and see what happens," the expert told Bored Panda.
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"I think the saying, 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me' is one that applies to those friends who continue to let us down and violate trust," she said.
"Healthy relationships are based on trust and respect and if we don't ask for those from our friends, the relationships will be a lot less satisfying, balanced, and healthy. But we have to be willing to set boundaries, expectations, and offer to friends what we need them to offer to us."
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I snapped and told them to stfu and that they sounded like a band of hyenas, and they said "if she doesn't know how s**t she is, her life will be hard, we are HELPING her".
The author of the viral thread, redditor u/One-Refrigerator69, shared with Bored Panda what made them create the post on r/AskReddit in the first place.
"My inspiration for writing this was because recently one of my friends was being very mean and disrespectful to me and my other friends," they told us.
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Now he's dead and they still don't call.
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Meanwhile, they also shared how they check if someone's a true or false friend. "In my opinion, the way I check if a person is really my friend is if they don't try to use me for anything and don't make excuses for trying to hang out with you," they said, adding that if someone's overly rude to you when you spend time together, it's a red flag that they might not be such a great pal as you initially thought.
"What me and my friend did was talk about the sort of things that they did and why that is wrong," the OP said that they tackled the issue head-on. "Hopefully they will be willing to listen and understand that what they did was wrong and how they can change that."
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Professor Degges-White previously explained to Bored Panda in more detail how to tell if a friendship is superficial or authentic. She said that real friendships are built on trust and mutual respect. “If you don't feel in your gut that this is what a person is offering to you in the relationship, they aren't a true friend,” she said.
“Also, friends recognize that the 'giving and taking' in friendships needs to be balanced over time," the professor noted that the spirit of reciprocity is very important in friendships. A person who constantly asks for favors like a place to crash or a loan, but never has the time to help you when you need a hand, is most likely not someone you can trust.
"Friends who talk about us behind our back, aren't there for us when our lives are crashing and we need someone to talk to, or aren't there for us when we want to celebrate our successes—those friendships don't reflect authentic deep friendship. When a friend takes advantage of us or lets us down repeatedly, then it is time to re-think whether this is a relationship that is worth the risk,” Professor Degges-White said.
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"Real friends are those people who are going to be there for you whether life is going beautifully for you or life has tanked and you feel like you're in over your head. Friendships are about emotional and instrumental support—it's a totally mutual, voluntary, reciprocal relationship. Therefore, we can all decide what we want to put into a friendship," she said.
"Authentic friendships are built on mutual respect and reciprocity and affection—there's an emotional commitment there that doesn't exist in superficial friendships. Don't tell your secrets or your vulnerabilities to a superficial friend, because you can't be sure how they might use this information. With authentic friendships, we can be completely ourselves and know that we will still be loved," the professor told Bored Panda.
"One of the biggest differences between friend types is the amount of emotional energy they are investing into the relationship and the depth of their appreciation for your presence in their lives."
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