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In this list of secrets, you’ll find some of the deepest and darkest family secrets that the household members learned only recently. According to Harley Therapy, “in general we keep secrets because we are trying to protect those we love, we are afraid of being judged, or because we feel scared and ashamed.”
Some secrets are small and won’t really affect the other members of the family, whereas other confidential matters might be more insidious, such as affairs, violence, and illegal activities. Bored Panda interviewed Brad Shore, LMFT, to get his perspective on family secrets and why people keep things hidden for generations.
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Brad Shore, the expert we interviewed, states that "there's often a lot of confusion about what's appropriate to share (or not share) with 'outsiders' regarding what's occurring within one's family. I think it's a combination of factors — on one hand there's a cultural, religious, socioeconomic, etc., component to this, and on the other hand there's a familial component that's related to the overall mental health of every specific family."
"The psychology of shame supports family members in remaining quiet for decades because shame involves some sense or belief that I (or the entire family) is fundamentally flawed. Once shame settles into the family dynamic it can be extremely difficult to break its hold. Its 'hold' involves deep-seated feelings that I (or the entire family) is somehow flawed, immoral, permanently broken, unworthy, guilty, dishonorable, etc. And then these feelings lead to behaviors to control, conceal and cope with the shame," he also added.
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Families might hide different types of secrets. The first and most common type is individual secrets, which are usually kept by one person from the rest of the family. These might involve simple rule-breaking or things the secret keeper feels anxious about. The second type is internal family secrets, which are usually kept by two to three members. Sometimes, they are intergenerational and can create rifts between parents, children, and grandparents.
Shared family secrets are the third type and usually something a household keeps from people outside the family. They can be about simple matters like traditions or jokes or more overwhelming and sinister things as well. Every family has a right to privacy, but it’s important to keep matters confidential in a way that doesn’t affect or harm another person.
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Some of the most shocking types of long-held secrets are usually about people’s ancestry. With the increasing popularity of genetic testing, people have delved into their family history only to find that they aren’t genetically related to their relatives or that there are many other members that they were never told about.
These shocking revelations can destroy the channels of communication between parents and children and ruin family cohesiveness. Ancestry and genetics are touchy subjects and it’s understandable why some people don’t want to reveal the truth behind them.
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This kind of cloak-and-dagger stuff might seem like child’s play but research on secrecy has found that secrets can hurt their holders. In fact, it can lead to reduced life satisfaction, poorer health, and lower quality of relationships. This is in part due to the stress and anxiety of keeping things hidden. It’s also because of the shame, isolation, and feelings of inauthenticity that might plague people.
Keeping family secrets also creates a toxic environment that can hurt members of the household and make people feel guilty or resent one another. A surprising fact is that constantly keeping things hidden can also make it harder to carry out everyday physical tasks, which means that the burden of keeping secrets is so heavy that it can take a toll on one’s daily life.
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Psychology Today states that there are certain questions you should ask yourself before revealing a family secret, so that you know you’re on the right track. They are:
- What’s my intention behind letting this secret out now? If it’s out of spite or to punish someone, it’s better not to follow such impulses.
- Is it the right time to share this news? The wrong time to spill secrets is during parties, celebrations, or joyous family events.
- Is my mindset correct to share this secret? If you are going to tell someone the information because you are angry or fearful, it’s best to wait till the intense emotions have died down.
- Am I sharing this secret with the right family member? You should share it with someone you feel safe with and can trust.
The best time to reveal a long-held family secret is when you have truly processed the information, and you feel calm and composed. Opening up because of impulsive and heavy emotions isn’t a good sign.
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