"All happy families are alike," Leo Tolstoy wrote. "Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Picture-perfect families have parents who love their children unconditionally. Children who visit said parents regularly and do so because they want to. But not all families are perfect. A Cornell University survey revealed in 2020 that 6% of adults say they are estranged from their mothers, and 26% from their fathers.
Family estrangement is, sadly, quite common. But how does it happen? One Redditor was curious to know what made people cut contact with their parents. So they asked: "Those who disowned their parents, what was the final straw?" People had all sorts of stories to share. Some were heartbreaking, others eye-opening.
Bored Panda also got in touch with the person who asked this question. They were kind enough to have a short chat with us about what prompted them to ask other Redditors about their estrangement stories. Read our conversation below!
#1
My mother likes to make me cry. I think it's a control thing, but she always denies it even happens. After going out of her way to make me break down for three birthdays in a row, I asked my father if, just for one year, I could avoid speaking to her for the day. Bear in mind, I live in a different country, so it would just be a case of me not picking up the phone when she called. My father went apes**t. Called me ungrateful, pathetic, a disappointment, etc. Then said his biggest regret was that my s****de attempt failed. All because I wanted a birthday where I didn't cry. I just hung up without saying a word. Blocked their numbers and email addresses, deleted all social media. It's been years, and I'm so grateful he said all those horrible things, because I finally realised how better my life is without them.
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340points
The Redditor who posed this question says that it came from their own bad experiences with their family. They decided to limit contact with their parents recently, and that's why they came to find some comfort on Reddit. "There is infighting I feel I'm getting dragged into," the netizen opened up.
In our conversation, they recalled the most recent disagreement they had with their family. "[The] last time my family argued was when I did an interview for my [university magazine], and I just didn't want the drama anymore," the Redditor shared. According to them, the parents often favor their twin brother "who can do no wrong." That's why the Redditor feels like limiting contact is the best course of action for now
#2
My sibling died & in the days leading up to his funeral my mother was so exquisitely awful that I stopped fantasizing about harming her & began fantasizing about my life in prison after her m***er. At one point I was standing behind her at the top of a flight of stairs as she monologued about how everything was my fault. I could have pushed her but instead promised myself that after I made it through the funeral I’d never speak with her again. This year marks a decade since I last spoke with her & my only regret is not cutting her out of my life earlier.
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284points
#3
Long and short, I was SA’d by uncles as a child, multiple occasion. Tons of rage issues because of it. Grew up in a single parent household with mom not in the picture. Fast forward, faced my demons to an extent, mended relationship with Mom. Opened up to brothers and sisters and finally mom about the SA, suddenly I’m lying, ive always been a liar since I was a child, “my brothers would never do a thing to hurt you!”
Straight up alienated by my family tree because said SA, ended the last convo with, “you didn’t protect me as a child, you won‘t protect/support me as an adult, and you won’t protect my children either. What use are you to me or any of us?“.
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254points
People who have difficult relationships with parents often imagine it would be a relief to cut contact. In this Redditor's case, they say it doesn't actually make them feel that much better. "I feel less pressure to be someone else but not better," they admit.
At the moment, their way of dealing with the family drama is to keep busy. "I just throw myself into my studies and my friends," the netizen tells Bored Panda. They also find that reading similar stories helps, as they feel relatable and provide some perspective. "It made me realize parents aren't perfect," the Redditor says.
#4
I moved out when I was 16. Some of the things were for example I wasn't allowed in the house unless someone was home so I'd have to sit outside after school for 2-3 hours during Minnesota winters. Summer vacations were actually worse. We also lived 12 miles from the nearest town and was a very rural area. Only allowed to take 2 showers a week, 2 minutes long. Only allowed to eat diner because I was able to get free lunch from school.
These aren't even the big things or strangest things, just the day to day things. Like for example about once a week my father would make me pick up everything on the carpet. Lint, bits of grass, dog hair, etc. Wasn't allowed to use a vacuum, or anything, it had to be by hand. And if he saw anything anywhere I didn't get to eat. One chance, so he would just watch me while watching tv comb over every room looking for anything on the ground. This was also the only time I was allowed in the living room.
When I was 20 I decided I'm going to try having a relationship again at least with my mother and I went to stay with them for a few days. Again I wasn't allowed to be in the house while they were away, I had to stay in a shed and I couldn't have any of their food but I wasn't told about so I didn't bring any food. After a few days I left and never talked with them again.
That was about 25 years ago. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything of value. Oh and to add to this, I did have a brother who our father didn't do any of this to. They bought him clothes, gave him money, helped him get his first car, etc. So everything was very targeted towards me.
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229points
#5
I didn't want to be a scientologist anymore. Raised from birth to believe that b******t. Took me like 20 years to get my head straight.
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208points
#6
When I was looking at bridal gowns, I found myself looking at shapeless, full coverage dresses because I didn't want my dad acting all creepy and handsy/ make gross comments about my appearance. The thought of him walking me down the aisle made me nauseous. Then I thought "wtf, just don't invite him." And I didn't. My now husband and I walked down the aisle together. Haven't spoken to my dad since 2019 and my life has never been better.
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203points
In a previous interview for Bored Panda, Clinical Psychologist and Family Estrangement Expert Karl Melvin explained that cutting off family members is taboo for some people because society at large considers family deeply important. That's why even extended family members might pressure people to reconcile.
But that can only have the opposite effect. "Many estranged people feel the need to hold onto the past to mitigate against bowing to any pressure," Melvin explained. "A reconciliation is a deeply personal choice; a forced or pressurized reconciliation may do more harm than good."
"Part of the challenge is understanding that not everyone has the same concept of what reconciliation is," he added. "Some view it as a continuation of the old relationship as opposed to a genuine effort to reflect on mistakes made and work toward creating a more respectful and healthier relationship."
#7
Mother was career-oriented. I traveled 15 hours by Greyhound bus back to Illinois to help her finish up some roofing jobs still incomplete. She intentionally got in a fight with me at the bus station after the jobs were done, didn’t get me a ticket back, and ghosted me on $2,500. I had maybe $30 to my name at the time. Then she shut off my cell phone immediately after driving away. Had to walk about five miles to a friends house. He and a few of my other friends drove me back down to Alabama that night. Never spoke to her again.
202points
#9
My mom was dying of cancer. She had a restraining order against my father. Father finds her, and tries to marry her (metastatic brain tumor meant she was pretty gone the last six weeks). We block it as my brother and I are medical power of attorney, but do let him see her in hospice as an act of good faith.
I get a call from hospice the morning of her passing telling us to get over ASAP, she's going. We miss her passing by minutes because my father decided to yell at my brother for half an hour because my brother had locked the door to his bedroom the night before. Father does not come with us to hospice. When we call him to see how involved he wants to be with funeral stuff, he takes off with her documents, cards, and phone, then pretends to be her online for days, telling her family to contact him "for the real story".
I was 22 and my brother was 19 when this all happened. That was the final act that made me go from "maybe in a couple years we'll have a relationship where at least I call him once every few months" to "I cannot have this man in my life." He continued to escalate after that, but that day was the point of no return.
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180points
#10
She stole my student loan money. I worked so hard to get into college and have a full scholarship, and she stole my room and board and book money. It made the first year of college damn near impossible, which kinda set the tone for the next 3.
173points
#11
It was a slow burn.
When I was younger, my mother could be very charming and ‘loving’, with intermittent bursts of physical and emotional abuse. As I got older, that ratio flipped, and I started reading up on personality disorders. My wife and I came to realize that we’d both grown up with toxic narcissists as mothers, enabled by weak fathers who wanted to placate the crazy person and keep their own situation calm, even at the expense of their children.
A few years after we married, my MIL left hours of recorded messages on our answering service. She filled our mailbox with rants about hoping we would lose our business and that I would die. My wife went no contact with her parents, and her life began to improve significantly.
It was another 20 before we would do that with mine, but my mom went down the conservative rabbit hole, which had a multiplier effect on her ugliness. We parted ways for 9 years and reaped the benefits of a drama-free life.
Then, a year before they died, I got a call saying they would become wards of the state unless I became their conservator. They had allowed a live-in caregiver to get overly involved in their affairs. I decided to suck it up and make sure they were well cared for and could remain in their home. By this time, unbeknownst to me, my mother had dementia and my father, an avid reader, had lost his eyesight.
Surprisingly, taking care of them at the end was a great experience. My mom’s narcissism disappeared with the dementia, and she became charming and funny as hell. My dad became loving and apologetic. I think he was surprised I’d step up to the plate after all that happened.
Nevertheless, I have no regrets about going NC with any of them. Whoever said blood is thicker than water is full of s**t—family is where some of the deepest hurt comes from.
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162points
#12
After telling them I was getting divorced. They told me 1) My ex would always be their son and that they loved him more than me (to be fair they did try to back track and say they loved us both) 2) That no one else would ever love me and I'd realise I was ruining my life when I died alone 3) They only loved me becuase the bible said they had to 4) That they were writing me out of their will, and leaving it to my ex, because this was proof I was mentally unstable and once I'd come to my senses and gone back to him it would be mine anyway.
They were emotionally abusive my whole life but I kept going back and making excuses for them, not helped because my ex was abusive too. It's easy to believe you deserve to be treated badly when it's all people are telling you. Eventually I realised that I deserve to be happy and I just couldn't do that while continuing a relationship with them. They're never going to change, I think they honestly believe they're saying these things out of love and have no awareness of how they've hurt me.
161points
#13
Jehovahs Witnesses who abused and manipulated me and coerced me into marrying a JW man when I had just turned 17. Wouldn’t accept my choice to marry a good guy outside of the religion despite him stepping up and being an amazing father to the kids I had with my ex husband who was extremely abusive and then abandoned them.
Lots of sexual abuse growing up that they never reported and made me feel responsible for.
I developed PTSD and the only way for me to improve my mental health was to cut them out completely.
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154points
#14
Every time she called me, I’d vomit from anxiety. Even if it was simple and not abusive, she would ruin my day completely. Even just seeing that I had a message after class would send me into a spiral.
The three most important people in my life came to me and were like, ‘we really can’t let this keep happening.’
One of them was my best friend’s mom and she told me, without mentioning my own mom, a story about how when she was pregnant with my best friend, she started to have trouble with her pregnancy thanks to the anxiety her mom was giving her. She told me she realized she was either going to lose her baby or lose her mother, and she decided she could stand to lose her past but couldn’t lose her future. She just kind of laid it out without even commenting on my situation. And it worked.
That was almost 15 years ago and I’ve never regretted cutting off contact.
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150points
#15
I had a kid and realized I didn't want them having any influence in her life. Their influence on mine was bad enough.
148points
#16
My parents were born into a cult. I was born into it also. At age 10, because I got my period I was given to a 34 year old male to be his 3rd wife. I was almost 13 when I was basically kidnapped from that cult and taken to an ex cult members house to live.
Was deprogrammed,tried to end my own life when I was 16 bc of what I went through. I'm still alive. I'll be 50 this year. I don't know if my parents or if any of my siblings are even alive.
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148points
#17
It was relatively small, when I stand back & look, but it was clear that our relationship was always going to be me (& everyone else) upending my life so he could do nothing at all.
The final-final straw was a request for me to attend an appointment that would mean a ~1.5 hour bus ride each direction, missing classes, missing work + make my own arrangement to stay somewhere overnight (I couldn't stay in my parents' home unless I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor somewhere & I didn't own a sleeping bag) all so my father could play Happy Family in public. Again.
I didn't get on the bus. I went to class. I had a bad day at work. Then I slept in my own bed.
I didn't mean it to be forever but I realized while my work day was tanking, I would still rather be doing that than pretending to be a Happy Family.
Everyday since has been better than it would be if he were in my life. He made good days miserable & bad days hell.
142points
#18
I'm NC, going on 2 years and plan is forever.
Abuse. Coming to terms with the physical, emotional abuse they put me through.
Then they just turned crazy when they found religion and Trump is their messiah.
To name one of the many things:
My step mom was jealous of me because I had bigger boobs than her. I started to develop early. I got my 1st period a week after my 8th bday. Anyway - her jealousy extended to accusing me of trying to seduce my dad and s**t for my dad. I had to wear layers of clothes to help hide my boobs. Like think 4 layers. Very uncomfortable. Anyway, it got to a head one day after years of accusing me of being a whore for my dad she turned it on him and accused him..so what did my dad do? Beat the ever living s**t out of me screaming "I'm not your boyfriend" the entire time. My step mom also made my dad pay for a boob job because "no child of hers will have bigger boobs than her"
Again. One of the many fk up things.
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134points
#19
My mother gave me a long speech about the morality of being a lesbian a couple of days before I (a woman) got married to my wife. She's pretty high up on her horse for a d**g addict who stole from me.
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125points
#20
I wouldn't say disowned, but certainly ghosted.
My mother died when I was in college. It was horrible seeing her in hospital, skin yellow from jaundice, slowly succumbing to alcoholism.
My father was a hard core drinker too. He could hold his liquor better, but every night my parents would get wasted, and it was never a fun thing to be around. Being a kid growing up, you could only communicate with them in the morning when they were sober. In the evenings, I would stay in my room.
As an adult with a full realization of how my father treated me growing up - not really close, not available as a parent, occasional beatings with a belt, no acknowledgement of his faults or lack of initiative in helping my mother, I decided to ghost him.
For the last 20 years of his life, I had no communication with him. He died a sad, pathetic man who had no self awareness of the pain inflicted.
I have no regrets at all.
123points