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We can’t all be angels as children. Sometimes we need to know what it feels like to be bad or learn lessons the hard way. In fact, according to Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of the book How to Raise an Adult, there are plenty of things that feel awful in the moment that might be valuable experiences for children to have. She explains that letting kids fail and make mistakes teaches them how to handle difficult situations and prepares them for future disappointments. And while many of these won’t happen to every kid, Lythcott-Haims breaks down her top 20 experiences that parents should let their children have.
The list of difficult experiences kids might face includes: not being invited to a birthday party, the death of a pet, breaking a valuable item, working hard on a paper and still getting a bad grade, having a car break down away from home, seeing the tree they planted die, being told a class or camp is full, getting detention, missing a TV show because they were helping Grandma, having a fender bender, being blamed for something they didn’t do, having an event canceled because someone else misbehaved, being fired from a job, not making the varsity team, coming in last at something, being hit by another kid, rejecting something they have been taught, deeply regretting something they can’t take back, not being invited when friends are hanging out, and being picked last for kickball.
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No parent wants their kid to have hard times, but Lythcott-Haims explains that the parent’s job is to be there for support, not to shield them. “We've been given the awesome, humbling task of helping a young human unfold," she says. "What they need most of all is our love and support as they go about the hard and joyful work of learning the skills and mindsets needed to be a thriving, successful adult."
Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, makes a similar point in her book, “Even though our impulse is to protect and prevent upset, we must step back, muzzle ourselves, and sit on our hands—whatever it takes so that they can figure out that they are capable of handling their discomfort, devising solutions, and moving on." Even if a child remembers a situation for the rest of their life, it taught them something. And that is valuable.
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We can’t all be angels as children. In fact, most of us aren’t. It is totally normal for kids to experiment and play and test the limits of what they can get away with. I remember my brother stealing a toy from an amusement park when he was about 5 years old, and my parents were horrified when they discovered it later. But he didn’t mean any harm. He saw something he wanted, and he took it. And he did not grow up to become a hardened criminal or someone with no regard for the law. It was just a lesson that he had to learn. After hearing a mouthful from my parents, he never stole anything else ever again.
While some behaviors might be normal for all kids, the ways in which they tend to rebel depends on their age. Karen Young breaks down some of the most common problems to expect as your kids develop in her article “Phew! It’s Normal. An Age by Age Guide for What to Expect From Kids & Teens – And What They Need From Us”, so you can put your mind at ease if you are guilty about doing any of these things or if you notice your young ones doing them.
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Karen explains that once a kid becomes about seven years old, they might feel misunderstood by other people. It’s common for them to complain about anything from their parents to rules to their friends and other kids. They tend to dramatize situations, and might become angry or frustrated when they’re upset. When they turn eight, their mindset might become even more black and white about what is good and bad or right and wrong.
Having little tolerance for opinions that differ from their own can definitely lead them to say things they might regret, if they are too passionate and speak before thinking. They can be very quick to start an argument, so treat kids this age with lots of patience. “With their black and white thinking, an argument will just mean that someone is right (them) and someone is wrong (you). Instead, ask them to explain their point of view and encourage them to see things from different angles,” Karen writes.
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Nine years old is when many kids start to push against their parents’ rules. Around this age, children start to value their friendships over their relationships with their parents, so they’ll start to keep secrets and develop inside jokes. Their capacity to be selfish and argumentative will increase. Once they hit ten to eleven years old, they will become even more clever and might try to explain or justify their bad behavior. They’ll search for a loophole in any rule and might be a bit sassier. Karen recommends parents let kids this age push the boundaries in safe ways. “Let them try different things, express their own opinions, and make their own decisions when appropriate,” she writes. “Know where your boundaries are and be ready to implement consequences when they make a bad decision. Make the consequence about their behavior, not about who they are.”
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Once kids reach adolescence, it’s expected that they start to form their own rules. They might become overly concerned with how they are perceived, so they will experiment with their identity, their image, and how to be “cool”. Karen writes, “What their peers think of them will be a source of stress to them for a while, peaking for girls at age 13 and for boys at age 15. They might go to extra lengths to try to fit in with their peers. This might involve making silly decisions or putting themselves in risky situations. Breathe. It will end.”
They may seem extremely emotional or closed off, but Karen explains that they “need love and connection more than ever”. She recommends helping teenagers find safe outlets to take risks in, such as sports or competitive hobbies. “The truth is that when it comes to adolescence, we have no control,” Karen explains. “They will decide how much they involve you in their lives, how much they tell you, and how much influence you have. Make it easy for them to come to you when something happens or when they need guidance.”
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We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Whether it was saying the wrong thing at the worst moment or making a rash decision when emotional that you regret after calming down, we could all benefit from a time machine. But the important thing to keep in mind once we have made an error is to forgive ourselves. We can understand the gravity of a situation and vow to never make the same mistake again without torturing ourselves for decades to come. After all, if we never forgive ourselves, we will never be in a place to better help others. So to get some tips for moving forward, we consulted a piece that Kendra Cherry wrote for Verywell Mind titled “Taking the Steps to Forgive Yourself”.
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