"People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating, How Did You Do That? And What Was Your Reaction?"

While a broken heart can trigger a variety of negative emotions, it can also lead to feeling completely lost. When trying to understand why this happened and where did things go wrong, people often end up blaming themselves for these unfortunate circumstances. 

Being cheated on is a painful and shocking experience, still many couples (yes, even the happiest ones) face it quite often. What causes people to stray from their loved ones and have an affair in the first place? 

A 2017 study revealed that there are many distinct factors that motivate relationship infidelities. Researchers used an online survey to ask 495 young adults who self-reported their infidelities to provide the reasons why they cheated. 

In addition to previous research indicating that dissatisfaction, neglect, anger, and sexual desire are key motivations for infidelity, the data from this study revealed additional factors: "Lack of love ('I had 'fallen out of love with' my primary partner'), low commitment ('I was not very committed to my primary partner')."

Plus, "esteem ('I wanted to enhance my popularity'), gaining sexual variety ... and situational factors ('I was drunk and not thinking clearly')." Of course, these factors don’t explain every single case when a partner has cheated but they help us understand why people choose to do it. 

We reached out to Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., a professor in the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University and the author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them. He was kind enough to share some insights about infidelity and its effects. 

While discussing the reactions people have when they witness the disloyalty of their loved ones, the professor said that it’s impossible to plan an ideal response since "cheating feels like the ultimate betrayal."

"The emotions are just too raw," he explained. "That said, though it may initially feel better to be vengeful, individuals rarely look back at those reactions favorably. Though difficult, it’s better to take the high road and be thankful that you got out of a relationship with a person like that (you dodged a bullet)."

Lewandowski thinks that people who are sharing their stories with others can truly benefit from it: "There is a lot of research showing the benefits of writing about traumatic experiences."

"By writing, individuals are able to process their emotions more thoroughly and see the situation from a new perspective. It’s a cathartic process that lends greater objectivity. Writing about painful experiences like this can be difficult, but it’s worthwhile."

If you’re thinking about how to overcome the pain, he said that "it’s important to realize that a partner’s infidelity says more about who they are as a person, than it does about you."

According to Lewandowski, being cheated on is a serious violation of trust but you should not let the effects linger into your future relationships: "The natural reaction may be to close yourself off and put up walls so that your next partner can’t possibly hurt you in the same way." 

"But doing so also robs you of experiencing all the best parts of being in love. Get back out there, be vulnerable, trust again, and find the great relationship you deserve," he added.