ParentingFEB 6, 2024

30 Parents Who Tried To Raise Good Human Beings Share Their Main Mistakes

Raising a kid (or two… or twelve) must be one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things out there. And even if you give it your best, things might still not turn out the way you had hoped.

Well, parents and offspring of Reddit are sharing their bits and pieces of wisdom in response to the question what aspects of your parenting journey do you wish you could’ve changed? after having given their all, yet the kids turned out less than desirable in terms of compassion and being a good person.

Scroll down to see what folks shared from their experience as well as our interview with Sarah Ockwell-Smith, parenting expert and author of The Gentle Parenting Book.

#1

30 Parents Who Tried To Raise Good Human Beings Share Their Main Mistakes

Apologize when you make a mistake, learn to listen not just hear

P4S5B60, August de Richelieu

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101points

#2

100% apologize to your children through adulthood. It’s a great example but it also forces your kids to see you as a human being which in turn creates empathy.

IamMBRN, Liza Summer

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96points

#3

I'm the kid of pretty good, but flawed, parents. I'd just like to say, consistency is key. I never knew what response my behavior would get. I'd even test my dad by telling him the same thing on different days and would get totally different reactions. Plus, he'd obviously forgotten what I said earlier so that didn't feel great either. Punishments also never lasted, one day I was grounded but the next they didn't care what I did. So, I'd do what I want until they got mad again.

Don't make your kids walk on eggshells. Be consistent in your responses, be consistent in your punishments

Objective-Safety3601, Jordan Whitt

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94points

It goes without saying that parenting is hard. If you’re not a parent and need an analogy for what it’s like, picture this:

As a parent, you’re expected to juggle swords that are on fire while riding a unicycle on a tightrope above a pit of snakes. The swords are your kids’ demands, the unicycle is your sanity and the tightrope—your patience. Oh, and the pit of snakes? That’s the rest of life’s challenges.

#4

I wouldn’t have spoiled him so much. It’s okay for him to not have everything. Just because “oH iM gOnNa gIVe theM eVrEytHiNg I NeveR hAD!!” Dumbass idea. There’s middle ground and I flew right past it

glitterpumps, Anna Shvets

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84points

#5

Less social media, more reading and interacting without phones in their hands.

CTnaturist, Christopher Ryan

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82points

#6

Chores. I did everything and robbed my child of a job well done. Consistent chores to help the family unit by teaching responsibility and patience

Sufficient-Survey877, Gustavo Fring

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70points

All jokes aside, though, parenting is no easy feat as it requires very delicate work with very impressionable human beings who need guidance in this crazy world.

“Most of us have been deeply conditioned by our own upbringings. We think we are choosing how to parent our own children and setting our own family rules, but actually most of us are simply repeating patterns of how we ourselves were raised as children,” elaborated Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

#7

Being more present for them. I was so obsessed with doing things right that I spent more time researching and acquiring things than actually being in the same room as them, hanging out and actually interacting with them.

crazyditzydiva, Daiga Ellaby

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68points

#8

I would focus more on teaching empathy and positive conflict resolution, promoting a deeper understanding of the feelings and perspectives of others.

damplyClaw900, Tatiana Syrikova

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68points

#9

Pull her out of Private school ( very high achievement oriented) and enroll in public school that could meet her learning disabilities and emotional health.

Justalurker11111, Rubén Rodriguez

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61points

Ockwell-Smith continued: “This conditioning is incredibly strong and tends to override most attempts we make to try to be different from our parents. We all have triggers and baggage that make it hard for us to be the calm, compassionate parents we’d like to be. It is possible to overcome this, but first you have to be aware of your baggage.”

#10

Coming from the messed up child not the parent: don’t ever say or imply you regret having your kids to them. Irreparable damage. So much therapy and people trying to love me and me trying to love myself to teach myself I can still have value. If you say that to your kid, in my eyes you’re more monster than parent.

No_Juggernau7, cottonbro studio

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58points

#11

I would have pushed harder for my oldest to be in therapy and work with a tutor more when he was younger. I really think most of his struggles stem from the fact that nobody recognized he was dyslexic until he was 17 and about to graduate high school. There were so many years of him being hard on himself and me thinking he just wasn’t trying hard enough. I regret that more than anything.

Visual-Fig-4763, cottonbro studio

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51points

#12

I was a young adult when my parents started adopting my brothers through foster care. One thing I will say having watched them grow up is that a lot of damage can be done even before the age of two that will last their whole lives.

Taking care of yourself when you're pregnant, interacting with your baby/toddler (talk, read, sing, play), trying your best to feed them nutritious food, and keeping them safe (traumatic events change a kid's brain) are all so so important.

Some of my adopted brothers are straight up scary and violent, some are drug addicts and drop outs. And I have no idea what my parents could have done differently.

ambereatsbugs, BBC Creative

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49points

And deep conditioning isn’t the only factor that gets in the way of parents’ efforts to raise compassionate kids. Ockwell-Smith also points out that the constant stress, exhaustion, and being pulled in different directions by work, bills, and childcare takes a huge toll on us as individuals.

“Something has to give and it’s usually our ability to control our own emotions. When parents are dysregulated, the chances of raising calm and respectful children is massively limited,” added Ockwell-Smith.

#13

I’ll never forget the look on my daughter’s face when I said you’re right, I’m wrong.😂

rackfocus, Ketut Subiyanto

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48points

#14

I should have been much more strict and less “fun” with my son.

NiteGard, Monstera Production

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45points

#15

Compassion without proper boundaries can morph into codependency and feeling like you need to fix people. I think I messed that up.

GoreMay, Dominika Roseclay

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44points

It also doesn’t help that virtually none of us is really prepared to be a parent when the time comes. So, we take a learn it on the fly approach to parenting, keeping ourselves vulnerable to mistakes, vices, and misconceptions.

And Ockwell-Smith notes that one of the biggest misconceptions out there is the expectation of quick results.

#16

My children are still young (8 and 6) but I find myself getting hurt when they say things like “you yell a lot” because I don’t really yell that often but I need to remember it’s not personal - it’s about how they feel. I need to accept that I yelled and yell more than I should and that isn’t okay.

Tl;Dr: When your child tells you they are hurt don’t get offended listen and do better.

redditaccount1_2, Monstera Production

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40points

#17

This is probably small scale compared to most but I'd try hide my fears/anxiety better. I think my kiddo is only afraid of spiders and bugs because I am. As in they've learnt this fear from me.

On the flip side I do think it's good to show we're all human and scared of different things and being afraid is OK but yeah there's a line there somewhere.

Gennova666, Sofia Alejandra

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39points

#18

Just from general observation of kids, family, classrooms, and society at large....IMHO the goal is to raise good people who can stand on their own without you. Nurturing a solid ethical foundation is springboard for all other virtues like kindness, compassion, etc. Emulate the values you want your kids to learn, don't just preach them.

Gethsemanee, Stefan Lehner

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38points

“Most expect results far too quickly and when they don’t see them, they give up and say ‘gentle parenting doesn’t work for me and my kids’,” elaborates Ockwell-Smith. “Actually, in terms of results, we’re talking long term. We’re aiming to grow children who become kind, calm, respectful adults—not compliant obedient children.”

#19

My son’s dad used to say awful things about me all the time when he was with him. When he’d come home he’d repeat them and I would not defend myself against it. I made a point of not saying anything bad about his dad, including him lying about me. I thought that was the right thing to do.

Now he is 14 and his dad has moved to another country and doesn’t talk to my son. My son opened up and told me it used to make him really sad and it made him hate me, but he sees it wasn’t true now. I can tell it’s messed him up a bit.

If I could go back, I would have told him it isn’t nice for his dad to say bad things and that they the things he said were not true. I was so concerned about not making my son thinking his dad was a bad guy I basically endorsed everything he said. I see now he needed me to tell him that those things were not true so he didn’t have to feel ashamed of his mum.

kandikand, MART PRODUCTION

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35points

#20

My mother told me that she wishes she gave attention to all her kids and my father told me he wishes he spent more time at home instead of business trips,

MillyZeusy, Hunters Race

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34points