We all were teens at some point in our lives. As your parents are likely to tell you, you weren't exactly the easiest kid on the block. So what’s up with this bad teen behavior? Why are they so mad, upset, and gnarly all the time? Well, this study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence may have some answers. The researchers discovered that when teens thought their parents’ reactions to their anger were stronger and more negative than their parents had meant it to be, they became even more aggressive. For example, these parents were more likely to respond to their children’s anger by telling them to “get over it,” which caused their kids to feel dismissed and neglected.
Interestingly, the research also showed that many parents tend to mistake their adolescent’s vulnerable emotions for negativity, and that has some implications. By doing that, they may place them at greater risk for developing delinquent behaviors. Meanwhile, as soon as teenagers recognized their parents’ discipline as too harsh, they were more likely to act. Acting out manifested in talking back, sneaking out of the house, impolite and aggressive behavior, constantly breaking family rules and agreements, etc.
To find out more about adolescence and the challenges both teenagers and their parents face, we spoke to Susan Petang, a Certified Stress Management Coach from "The Quiet Zone Coaching," who specializes in teaching women how to get through tough days in one piece, no matter what life change they're experiencing.
“As children grow up, they slowly start the process of separation from the protection of their parents. It starts with the 'Terrible Twos.' Toddlers begin to recognize that they are an individual separate from their caregivers, and start experimenting and exploring. As they grow, there are other times when they move further from the protection of the family 'nest.' It's totally normal, and necessary for them to learn how to function independently,” Susan explained.
Having said that, the stress management coach added that there's a fine line between letting our kids learn from their own mistakes and keeping them safe, though. “And while a teen is learning to interact socially, their moodiness can be hard to take. That's where a lot of the tension between teens and their parents originates.”
Susan explained that teenagers have a lot of physical and emotional issues all going on at the same time that are confusing and hard to manage. There are a few reasons for this: “There are the emotional challenges of dealing with hormones. They don't have the social skills yet to communicate what they're feeling. Teens don't have the world experience to know and understand their complex emotions. Let's add the fact that their brains aren't yet fully developed (and won't be until their late 20s),” she said and added that it's a recipe for rollercoaster emotions.
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Most importantly, we wanted to find out about ways to deal with difficult teens, which may often seem like mission impossible. “The best advice I can give parents is to listen to their teens and have compassion for what they're experiencing. Remember what it was like when you were that age!”
Susan shared some useful tips and said that it’s best to start with Reflective Listening. “‘It sounds like you're upset,’ ‘It feels like you think my decision is unfair,’ or, ‘It looks like you didn't understand what I meant.’” While doing so, Susan urges parents to make sure you stay calm and have a solution-oriented attitude; solve the problem, don't cast blame.
Moreover, it's important that teens get some freedom to make mistakes and learn how to navigate the world, the stress management expert said. “Allow them to have control over decisions that aren't critical. Pick your battles - insist on compliance when their safety is at stake. (How they dress, for example, isn't as important as avoiding drugs and alcohol.)”
“When they make a mistake or act out, use the XYZ Statement: When you do X, I feel Y, and I'd like Z. Here's an example: ‘When you stay out past your curfew without calling, I worry about your safety. I'd like you to let me know when you'll be late.’”
The last advice for parents Susan has is to make sure to compromise. “For example, when my 14-year-old daughter wanted to go to a concert in NYC with her friends, I would only allow it if I knew how she was getting there, how she was getting home, who would be there with them (an adult!), and that she would check in with me every hour via text,” Susan concluded.
