We at Bored Panda recently discovered a discussion on Reddit, started by user Hiircine, who asked: "Parents who regret having kids: why?"
After going through the 5,000 comments it has received so far, we started digging around the internet, to see if the popularity of this thread was a result of the platform's algorithm or if it's a topic that people find really important.
Now that we've done our research, we can confidently say that the latter is true. So we compiled some of the honest confessions and made this list in an attempt to give voice to those who often don't get the chance to explain their opinions
Just remember, you don't need to agree with them to empathize. These are just people who want to tell others how they feel.
#1
My daughter is severely disabled, to the point where she will never live a normal life. She can’t walk or talk, has a feeding tube and a wheelchair, is legally blind (she can see lights/shapes/colors, but that’s it) and has seizures from an unknown cause, and she’s 6. I’d say her mental development isn’t much more than a few months/to a year old at most. If I’d known that she would be born this way (she starting having seizures at 3 weeks old) I would have had an abortion the moment I found out I was pregnant. She was planned and wanted, and I regret her every day. Not that she isn’t a beautiful person, she’s got so much spunk and personality and she’s got my attitude, but I don’t think for a second that she deserves to live the life that’s been laid out for her. I wish I could do more for her.
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279points
To provide you with an alternative point of view, we contacted Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What — bold and authentic, Stone consistently tackles difficult subjects and, among other topics, has produced plenty of insightful texts on parenting.
"I think it's important to know that couples can make it through the hard times without kids first," Stone told Bored Panda. "So make sacrifices, endure some hard stuff, throw yourself in pressure cooker situations, take on responsibilities you would rather not. This is what all the hard stuff of parenting is about. Having a dog and having to pick up their poo, get up at silly hours to walk them even when you are shattered, and not being able to do a whole bunch of stuff because you decided to have a fur baby is good prep for having a real baby or child!"
"Also, spend time with people with babies and toddlers. Lots of it. You'll see what life on the frontline of being a parent is really like rather than the make-believe stuff in the movies," Stone added.
#2
Some days it's hard not to regret it. I have a 6 year old with severe ADHD (brain trauma at birth), and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers. My wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them. I love them, but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do.
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197points
#3
All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
169points
Contrary to what many expected, birth rates in the United States dropped during the COVID-19 pandemic amid the twin public health and economic crises, lending evidence to predictions from early on in the outbreak that economic uncertainty might trigger a baby bust.
This continued the downward trend in U.S. fertility rates, which were already at a record low before the pandemic began.
#4
Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.
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152points
A 2021 Pew Research Center survey discovered that a rising share of U.S. adults who are not already parents say they are unlikely to ever have children, and their reasons range from just not wanting to have kids to concerns about climate change and the environment.
Some 44% of non-parents ages 18 to 49 say it is not too or not at all likely that they will have children someday, an increase of 7 percentage points from the 37% who said the same in a 2018 survey.
#5
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, same for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
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149points
However, parents and childfree people often view each other as enemies and get into heated arguments that can be easily avoided.
Talya Stone believes that both groups should have more empathy.
"Before I had children, I had no idea why someone wouldn't want a child. Then I had a child, had all my freedoms whipped from underneath me, and I got it," she said. "There are a lot of reasons people choose not to have children these days, and they should all be respected and never questioned."
"Likewise, childfree people need to respect someone's choice to want to become a parent. There should be no judgment from either side. The best strategy is to inwardly agree that you get it, but it's not for you... no rubbing anyone's faces in it!" she added.
#6
Losing so much of yourself, your partner, and your freedom is what's worst in the beginning, but as my children get older, I'm realizing how fatherhood has revealed the worst parts of my character. Petty, angry, short-tempered, remote...I don't recognize the person I have become; I'm afraid I've been unequal to the task of parenthood, and in the process it turned me into less of a person.
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131points
#7
When my kids were young, Columbine happened. I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world. I regretted it for a long time.
Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again.
I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from.
But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again.
I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from.
But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
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129points
#8
My life turned into a living hell when my oldest son was a teenager.
He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
120points
#9
It fills me with fear and worry about their future. It's like having your heart outside of your body. I don't want to live but I have to for their sake, and I know there's so much out there I can't protect them from.
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109points
#10
I can't say I "regret" having had kids, but I often think my life would be better had I not. Parenting is difficult under the best circumstances, but it's a roll of the dice. If you have a child with medical or developmental problems it is a tremendous drain. I feel like I've aged about 20 years in the last 5, like I'm just a ghost of my former self.
100points
#11
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely [took out] any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
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99points
#12
I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice.
Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me.
Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me.
Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
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97points
#13
I love my children more than anything else in this world. Words can not describe the type of love I feel for them. But at the same time, I do regret having them. I regret being the person that I have become as a parent. I was always carefree and spur of the moment.. now I'm careful and if plans aren't set in stone, they likely won't happen.
I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.
I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they're pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it's exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to "check out" of reality from time to time.
With all that being said, there is not a thing I wouldn't do for my children. They will always be my babies. They are amazing little creatures. My boys play travel baseball and I wouldn't trade long nights at the ball fields for anything. Watching them play is one of the greatest joys in my life. Still, I often find myself wondering what life would be like without them.
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78points
#14
I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal b******t. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.
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77points
#15
I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.
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76points
#16
Destroyed marriage via:
* Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
* The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
* The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
* Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
* Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
* The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
* The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
* Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
* Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f*****g door.
The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to
dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED
with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to
dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED
with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
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67points
#17
Although I've always loved being around kids (I was the guy playing with all the kids at any party) and they seemed to take to me, I knew I never wanted to have any of my own. Fortunately, my wife felt similarly... until she neared 40, and then went kind of crazy with this newfound unquenchable desire for motherhood. We had trouble getting pregnant at that age, and rounds of IVF ensued; following several, one was successful, after huge time, financial, and emotional costs. Our son came along, and was healthy and quite adorable. Major success story from the outside, right?
I was immediately plunged into a seemingly endless spiral of resentment and depression (the real kind, clinical, requiring seeing a psychiatrist and going on medication). I knew at a profound level that I Did Not Want This. It completely destroyed spontaneity and flexibility; everything needed planning, and our son like all very small children needed to be watched pretty much 24/7. All our friendships were put on hold, since getting out of the house even for planned things was difficult. Work and other obligations were missed whenever he got the sniffles. As he grew, things got better, somewhat. There were all manner of pointless activities that he didn't care much about (karate, swimming, 20 other things), constant trips to school, play date planning, things that, as far as I can tell, nearly every parent dislikes, and only few are vocally honest about.
The therapist told me that this was much more common than I'd guess, but there was a huge taboo about saying you simply hated being a parent. So, I googled "I hate being a parent" and, Lo: it was all over the place. People overcome by tedium and regret.
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65points
#18
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
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64points
#19
It's like having a pet.
Except you have to feed, cloth, nurture, medicate, educate, enlighten, entertain, and always be there for them.
In short, it's a full time job that requires zero qualifications, the pay is potentially amazing and potencially horrible, and if you mess up badly enough you're going to jail.
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64points
#20
I had kids because it was expected in the religion I was raised in. Now I’m 31 with 4 kids ages 10, 9, 7, and 4. Left the religion but my 9 year old is disabled, completely nonverbal and in diapers. Will never be able to live independently. My youngest 2 have big speech delays. Honestly I’m just exhausted. I didn’t start dealing with my mental health issues until a few years ago and now I’m in a better place but with the realization that I mentally probably shouldn’t have had kids. Or at least not so many. On my bad days I really wish I would’ve left the church after marrying my husband but before having kids. It’s just so hard. I can’t ever let my guard down. Our house has multiple locks on every door, window, cabinet, fridge, you name it. My 9 year old has no concept of danger and will run off given any opportunity. One time the front door was left unlocked. I went pee and he had left the house and gone to the neighbors house. And there’s no end in sight. This is my life now. Until I die. I will never ever let my kids see this side of me, they will always be loved and provided for. This is my s**t to deal with not theirs. Just a hard pill to swallow.
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61points