287 Funny White Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

"I've always been pretty fascinated with space. When I was a little girl, my dad would take his ladder and put it on our lawn every night, and bring my outside to tell me he put the moon up for me. I believed him for years. He passed away a few years ago,and every night when I see the moon I think of him."

My mom brainwashed me as a kid. She put all of the candy out in the open and told me I could eat it whenever I wanted, but she'd hide the vegetables and tell me I could only eat them as a special treat at dinner. It worked. When I was six, I asked if I could have a bowl of Brussels sprouts for my birthday instead of a cake.

I was told that every person gets 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can't physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, Dad would say, "Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now." That would shut me right up.

My dad said if I could look after a special growing rock, and watered it each day until it stopped growing I could get a dog. I'd water it and every week, while I was at school he'd replace it with a slightly bigger rock.

Parents used to tell my only brother and I that we used to have another brother who turned into a mushroom from not taking a bath. Even added him to the family albums.

"If the ice cream truck is playing music it means they have run out of ice cream."

We got our daughter to eat fish by calling it "Argentinian Chicken". That worked for a long time until grandma came along and f*cked it up.

My grandma told us that smelling each others farts would make us stronger. Worst Christmas ever for us, funniest Christmas for her.

My mother told me that spinach would make me strong like popeye and if i ate it i could lift the house. I would have a few spoonfulls and then she'd rush outside with me and i'd try and lift the house, squeezing my eyes shut with the effort. She'd go "It moved! It moved! Quick, eat some more!" and i'd run back inside and finish it off.

When I was little my Dad told me that toys grew under the weeds in the yard and if I pulled them, eventually a toy would pop out. And I believed it for a long time.

My grandpa told me, when driving on the highway, that the fastest way to count all of the cows in a field is to count all the legs, and then divide by 4. It took me many, many years to figure out that my grandpa was a huge troll.

My mother was a genius: She told us that brown M&M'S were only for adults, so whenever we encountered a brown M&M we would give it to her.

When I was a kid I was really interested in dinosaurs, but also afraid of them. I would have trouble going to sleep because I was worried that one might just appear and eat me, even though I knew about extinction.
My mom convinced me that the asteroid theory had been questioned, and the next likely theory was that there had been an explosion of liquid vanilla that killed them all off. She proceeded to fill a spray bottle with vanilla extract and put it in my room, and taught me to spray it in each of the corners of my room before I went to bed, saying: North, South, East, and West, dinosaurs, take a rest!
I believed that this was the only thing keeping me safe for quite a while.

The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said:
"Don't go near those son...those are bear eggs..."

"The door is locked because mommy was helping daddy hang a picture behind the door and we didn't want you to open it and hit us." God damn how many times you guys are hanging pictures behind the door at night.

My dad told me if I ate my spinach if get hair on my chest like Popeye. So here I was a small girl wolfing down my spinach hoping I'd get hair on my chest, when I got older and realized I wasn't supposed to get hair on my chest my dad laughed at me.

My dad, a 2-3 pot a day coffee drinker , had me convinced at age 7 that you had to be 16 to buy and drink coffee. My first time at Starbucks when I was 16 I was so nervous because I thought they would card me! Lol

Babies were bought from the hospital. Women had to get really fat to prove that they could afford eating well, and therefore, afford having a baby.

When she was small, I told my daughter that when she lied a red spot would appear on the middle of her forehead. I knew for sure it worked when she did indeed lie and then her hand went up to cover her forehead.

They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy.